Wednesday, May 17, 2006

In which I continue sorting through my head...

I hear heavy footsteps, and voice exercises.

I woke up today with a poem on my lips...
but I blinked and it was gone.
All I'm left with is the memory of the way it felt, and a slight yearning to have it again in my mind.
That wasn't intended as a metaphor...but it kind of sounds like one.

I guess I will say that I am officially easing up on blogging.
The silly part is that I have been uninvolved for a long time now.
That causes me stress, because I want to be involved.
I love reading about you fantastic fellers (remember: I use "fellas" for girls, too...don't know why; it feels like a giggle in word form when I do it, though) and I used to love discovering new blogs--now it just leaves me frustrated, because I don't have time for new blogs.
This is the crux of the problem.
The easy answer is to just announce that I'm sorry for being a shitty reader and that I'll officially continue to be a shitty reader for a while.
This sort of thing usually clears the air (in my air-filled head) pretty well and I can expect to melt back into a good routine sometime soon.
I think the fact that I require a routine these days is part of the problem, too.
Well...we all know that blogging can be very consuming--it fills whatever space there is, and sometimes starts encroaching on other parts of your day.
I just don't need so much from it anymore, I guess.
Someone mentioned yesterday in the comments that maybe I'm just too filled up with goodness right now to be the same blogger I was, and I think that's exactly right.
I seriously don't know whether to be happy or really pissed off that I'm not more pissed off about life...
It's a strange kind of comfortable numbness, I guess.
What I keep forgetting about this blog, as with life, is that it is not a static thing--it is as dynamic as a motherfucker.
I can't believe I'm so sensitive to perceived pressure.
Most of the time when I crumble, the pressure is all in my head.
Like this whole paralysis issue caused by my inability to read every blog I love every day (or even every week).
Who cares???
I do...
It's important to me to not do things halfway.
I am rather an all or nothing sorta gal.
If you're gonna kiss me, you better be prepared to screw me!
Well, more like, if I'm a Mormon I'm going to be one with all my heart (when I couldn't do that any longer, I stopped practicing ALL of it; broke so many commandments I think I'm in Guiness...) and if I'm going to break my diet I'm going to eat everything I want, and if I'm going to go to the gym it has to be every day, and if I'm going to get to know you, I'm going to suck every last drop of your essence out and roll it around on my tongue until I know the taste of your skin and the smell of your removed shirt--feel the fabric on my face...ok, I'm getting a little erotic over that actually applies to non-sexual friendships, too, and the sensual descriptors just don't work for that. The point is, I hate half-assing anything--except homework, but that's different...

speaking of Guiness, (dammit i hate when i get distracted so quickly) remind me to look into brewing beer at home.
oddly, it was not D-man who inspired me, but I'm kinda thick.
See, it was an unthunk thought I had, that men are the ones who brew beer at home.
Possibly because MEN ARE always THE ONES WHO BEW BEER AT HOME.
I, however, love cooking (which also involves recipes and tasting and receiving adoration of guests) and I love beer, so why shouldn't I do this??
I should.
Mr. husband has mentioned a couple of times that he would like to brew beer, but he's neither skilled in the kitchen nor interested in the process--just the product.
I'm sure he would enthusiastically participate in the whole process if I spearhead it, though.
Have I told you guys that I'm a hesitant leader?
I will only lead in situations where I know I will be followed.
I'm a loser.
(a happy one, though!)

My belly is growling rather loudly.
And I keep wishing I could go to the new starbucks that is right around the (large-ish) corner from here.
Ok, it's about 15 blocks east, but that's closer than it sounds!
And it's right on my way to the freeway...
and everyone else's which is why it's there.
I have been hankering for a Chai Latte.
Possibly iced, since summer has decided to blow into town, late and unapologetic.

Yesterday was a cluster fuck.
A certified, royal Charlie Foxtrot.
It worked out ok, but
was it stupid.
I dropped off the car for the alignment,
and they gave me a nearly-identical car to drive until they finished (which was really cool. AND they didn't charge me for the alignment, which sort of boggled my pea brain).
Smart girls sometimes do stupid things.
I gave them my whole set of keys.
I didn't even think to remove my garage door opener until I was back on my side of the mountain (good book!) valley and was pulling into my driveway, reaching for my visor...
So I went to Subway and got some absolutely delicious sandwiches
and even more delicious cookies...oh....cookies...(seriously, I have issues).
and picked the kids up from school
and took them to the park for a picnic
and a walk
and then we went home to try to break in because it was getting hot outside
and I wanted to take them to the Children's Museum but our season pass thingy was at home because I'm a shitty-luck bastard and had removed my wallet to make room for my (unneeded) laptop
and (i'm diggin' this whole 'and' format...suck it)
and we were unsuccessful, so I decided that I would just PAY to get in if they couldn't look me up in the system...again with the retardation!!! What's the matter with my brain people, I mean, really???
and then we went
and they looked me up,
and it was fun, but I kept almost falling asleep while the kids played.
I lost my 'and' rhythm...bummer.
I left out some stuff, too.
Like the fact that I went to Walgreens to pick up my thyroid meds...
which leads me to the story of the day before, when I stood in line at the prescription pick-up counter in WALMART for twenty minutes with my kids.
Yes, MY kids.
You're familiar...rascally little rabbits who don't like standing still or sitting still or...LISTENING TO THEIR MOTHER.
eh, they did ok for a quite a while, but then some idiot let their idiot kid go play with the blood pressure tester machine and I had to be an idiot and tell my kids it was not a toy and that they would be in big trouble (x,y,z) if they touched it.
Why am I so stupid??? Why????
Of course they had to touch it!!
Not only are they more curious than that damned monkey, but they were bored to death already.
So, that sucked.
And then it was my turn and my prescription hadn't been called in.
So I started swearing (wooot! I fit the wal-mart stereotype!) and ditched my cart full of really pretty flowers I had picked out, to plant in the flower bed next to my back porch...
and dialed my doctor.
I was too pissed to be making that call...
so I ended up snapping at the best nurse on the entire planet of earth and feeling wretched about it for the whole call and not being able to sufficiently convey my feelings--I tried damn hard, though.
Anyway, she explained that my "default" pharmacy was the wal-mart closest to their office, even though A. I had never been told there was a default and B. EVERY time they fill it she asks me which pharmacy and I tell her the address of the one I had just left, so in my mind they should have known which pharmacy I used even though she didn't ask this time.
So I had her switch it to Walgreens because A. they're not walmart, B. they have a DRIVE THRU!!!!!!!, and C. they're not walmart and they have a drive thru!!
So there's my life, in a nutshell.
(no, this is me in a nutshell, "help! I'm in a nutshell! get me out of this nutshell!")

Why is it that when I think I'm all dried up, I end up with more stories than daytime tv??
I have two more for ya, so hold on to, whatever you need to hold on to.

While we were at the Children's Museum, the woman invited us over to watch her feed the snake.
It was just us and the boys both held the horrid little thing!!!
They know I hate snakes, but I encouraged them to hold it and played cool, because they deserve the chance to see for themselves.
Of course, with my luck, they'll become fascinated with snakes and catch them and try to sneak them into the house as pets and I'll end up with one in my bed or up my leg or--
ok, must stop...respiration elevating...
So, they held the squirmy thing and Oliver started walking toward me with it--
I jumped back and kept backing away, "No, honey, just stay there. I don't want to hold it. I'm glad you're having fun. It's nice, isn't it?"
I abhor weakness, especially in myself, and I think I did alright with that situation.
Anyway, then she put the snake away and dumped in 3 little baby mice!!
It was sad and awful, but kinda cool.
We watched the snake swallow them whole, their little feet still wiggling...
I was sad for them, of life, or something.

Final story is quick:
We just planned a really cool family thanksgiving in Disney World thing.
My sister has a time share there, and we had plans to take our kids right before Christmas, to use a vacation package thingy we bought, but we changed our reservation to match hers, and our parents are coming, too!
We haven't had Thanksgiving together since I was in high school.
I have been hoping to get home for one sometime, but summer is so much better for visiting that I just haven't done it.
Florida is MUCH better than Maine in November.
We are beyond excited.
I hope the kids miraculously become perfect by then.

I'm done.
Have the happiest least-crappiest day and don't ever believe a word I say.
I'll blog til I die.

(Christ, that was long!!! Even for me, that was long. you deserve some about my teats? haaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha! love that rhyme!!)

***edit: picture removed, cuz I might have just given this URL to an old boyfriend.

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