Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Clumsy and confused

I am tripping over all the comfortable habits of my recent past,
forgetting to do things, changing patterns--
and things feel strange, they feel unsettled, but yet not unpleasant.
Could the winds of change actually be soothing me this time?
Usually they are chafers.
Or maybe I'm just growing up...?
Which, as we all know, at THIS age means "getting old"...
I'm feeling rather like this blog has served its usefulness,
that my introspection is no longer required.
Not one to ever just walk away, I've been putting this off for a long time.
and I doubt I can make a clean break of it,
I was thinking I would take the summer off, and then I was thinking that when summer's over I'll have more on my plate than ever, and...
just typing these words makes that comfortable feeling disappear like my hymen on June 22, 1994.
It fills me with a heavy feeling, like panic and mourning, and I almost want to cry.
I just sort of think it may be time for a change.
A big one.
Too bad I'm incapable of a couple of things:
1. thinking things like this over, INSIDE my head
2. being the one to leave...I only dumped one guy once (see: june 22, 1994) and that was because I was using him to heal from the greatest heartbreak any girl has ever known. Yes, it was really that bad. It'll be in a book someday--the fucker can count on that!
So #2 was in reference to leaving the blog, not leaving my husband, just so we're all clear--sorry to dash your hopes!! hahahahaha!!
But I don't think I'll desert it altogether because, really...it's been so good to me.
I think I'll try to find a new focus--something outside of me.
I am pretty sure I have followed the paths of my innerworkings to their respective dead ends and I'm well beyond the nauseated point.


this turned into a much deeper post than I intended, and I have to go or I'm going to be late to drop off the car for its alignment.
Maybe that's the hangup with the blog...
maybe I've been too intent on WRITING.
I should get back to its roots, where I was just yammering about life.
it was more entertaining then...
Don't panic--and don't heap me with kind words or I'll be TOTALLY embarassed.
this was just me, thinking out loud as usual.

My life is so much busier this past year than it has been since I started blogging.
It's no wonder I'm feeling differently about the place in my daily world held by this escape, this entertainment device.

It's all good.
I forgot to grab my mp3 player.
I wanted to put my newly downloaded songs on it.
I've been listening to Phish since I walked through the living room while step son was watching The Simpsons over the weekend, and it was an episode about legalizing Mary J and the band playig was Phish.
p.s. sometimes I loathe our grammar rules with a fiery fiery passion.

So, to recap: this is going to be the summer of fluff.
Deep stuff only when absolutely necessary.
Otherwise, It's going to be Braless Every-day and "fuck"-overload!!!



Have a good day, and wish me luck with the alignment (the car needed it when we bought it, but I'm really slow at getting around to stuff...) and the "loaner" they're giving me til it's done...
hopefully just a couple of hours, but you never know.

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