Monday, November 28, 2005

Ok, ok, OKAY--

it seems that my brain has been restored to proper working order.
"proper", of course, being very loosely defined.

last week was, as I just wrote in a comment and now realize is the perfect description so I'll use it even though I feel a little redundant and in need of taking a breath--
like a Turkey-fied version of Groundhog's Day.
But at least it was all good.
well, except for the time my oven decided that even though the brownies should be cooked at 350, and it was set at 350, that it would burn the shit out of the top while leaving them runny in the middle anyway.
I'm thinking it was just for the fun of it.
I also ran out of real butter, about 3 sticks short of my requirements, but the tub maragarine worked out ok (lord forgive me).
There was also the 2 hour block during which two of my mother-in-law's 3 present sons tried to convince her that her religion (yes, mormonism, duh) is false.
That was wild.
One of the sons also got her to concede that she had sex with their father more than the rumored one-per-pregnancy...
They are ruthless.
I'm proud to say that my husband (almost) always keeps clear of such conversations.
It was really a fun day, though, and everyone had a great time...
for the most part.
I hemmed a couple of pairs of pants for my (in her own words) "freakishly short" sister-in-law,
while the other sister-in-law did ALL the dishes...
holy cow, i love that woman.
I think a tear or two came to eyes when I discovered my clean kitchen.
And, of course, everyone raved over the food.
which is why it's all worth it!
same reason I put so much effort into sex, now that I think of it...

We also spent all day Saturday cleaning out the garage.
just in the nick of time, too--
it started snowing about ten minutes after we got the cars inside,
and laid down about 8 inches of fresh powder.
the ski resorts are all open and happy.
and I am left anxious to get my all-wheel drive volvo...
yes, I've settled on the volvo.
thank you all sooo much for your input on the silly debate.
what the hell was I thinking??
I'll save the Jag for when I can get the truly luxurious one.
because I will.
I will be a star.
(in somebody else's sky, but why why whhhhyyyy, can't it be, why can't it be miiiiine?)
sorry...heard some pearl jam on the way to pick up the kiddos.
which was as ugly as the genital warts page in Becky's human sexuality textbook...
(which reminds me: you should be reading her. feel guilty if you're not.)
they were, apparently, possessed by the spirits of premenstrual nazis on crack.
I'll have to call a priest.

speaking, whatever.
last night on the news there was a story that got my panties into such a twist there was actually smoke from all the friction.
(not like that you pervs! ....well...maybe...)
the story was about addiction to pornography.
guess what my issue with this is?
The report was like listening to goddamned general conference.
(this is a semi-annual world wide broadcast for LDS church members where they are given all sorts of uplifting/inspirational/misogynistic speeches.)
It offended me that they would put such a biased report on the evening news.
what about the perspective that pornography is only as addictive as any other pleasure-giving activity?
yes, such as drinking or smoking or EATING SUGAR?
Yes, scientifically speaking anything that gives us pleasure--especially orgasms, I mean come on--is potentially addictive, because we must employ self-control in order to not binge on things we love.
However, their insinuation that pornography destroys lives was ludicrous (thanks mr. rapper, for making "Ludacris" look right).
for mormons, at least, guess what it is about that situation that destroys their life?
the stigma.
It is a natural human state to enjoy being aroused.
Sure it's a problem if pornography replaces normal sexual activity with a spouse,
but just looking at it (and, yes, the horror--beating off!) shouldn't be an confused with addiction.
I was furious last night.
this one STUPID ASS WOMAN actually divorced her husband because of his "problem"--
and I've heard of that several other times, just through friends locally.
how's about if we don't criminalize masturbation, fuck faces, and then we'd all be ok.
So this mongoloid of a woman says, "I never knew if he was thinking about me or about them while we were in bed."
sweet jesus save us all!
Seriously, you guys.
I'm going to have to become a politician or something.
Or get a talk radio show.
Sorry, I don't even know if any of that made sense, but I had a little venom left to spew.
I am just so pissed off at the closed-mindedness of it all.
the mormon religion was founded by a man who was so horny he married 40 women in 4 years--
made up an entire prophecy just to make it spiritually "legal",
and yet they can't abide masturbation or PRE marital sex.
oh no, don't screw your boyfriend, just marry him.
then spend your life bitterly dissatisfied because you rushed into it and have lost hope.
And once you're married, make sure you only do it in the missionary position and don't talk about sex or you're a black-souled, black-soled Sinner-with a capital-snake-like-S.


Ok, so...
enough of that.
I made a master plan to get my kids to nap this afternoon.
Nonchallantly--aloofly, even--I stated, "I'm going to get in bed and watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
They both jumped on me, "No you're not! I'm coming, too!"
See, that pick up from school scene was a flashing neon indicator that they didn't get enough sleep last night.
so they're pissy little highnesses need to rest.
Or mom's going postal.

shit, I have a poem due tonight.
I suck shit at poems.
too bad I can't just turn in a pie...
I'm wicked good at pies.
and sex, but I don't think I would feel right about trading sex for a non-graded assignment.
I actually said that to highlight the fact that it's a not-very-important assignment,
but instead it looks like I would be willing to trade sex for something of it was important enough.
that makes me giggle.
because I wouldn't do it, not because I would, you damn dirty-minded fools.

It's supposed to snow again tomorrow...
I want to see your breath in the air,
and watch it meet mine, our clouds mixing as a precursor to our bodies meeting.
cold lips meeting warm tongues,
warm hands leaving pockets for wind-bitten cheeks.
snowflakes kissed from eyelashes,
while harshly unseasonal butterflies storm through stomachs...

Just had a cool idea for braless tuesday picture.

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