Thursday, November 10, 2005

I need to post...

but how can I post when there is a child under my desk?
and how can I post when there is a child asking to sit on me and count to "twenty hundred"?
(fyi, I couldn't resist THAT, so I covered his little head and neck with kisses while he did it--payback, I guess!!!)
how can I fucking post when my head is so full of words that they aren't even in order any more?
they are smashed and crashed together.
full of dissonance and why the fuck is he putting my feet in a different place?
I think I'll have to threaten my husband with complete withdrawal of sex and cooking,
so that he will
to it.
the kids need their own computers.
they had one, but it's a piece of shit.
hell, I would use it if it was hooked up.
I can't do it right now though.
Too much...stuff going on, I guess.
I'm having a party Saturday that I don't really want to have anymore.
I need to stop thinking that, and feign some mother fucking enthusiasm until I feel it.
anyway, husband has been way over scheduled this week, clients needing shit NOW, and a side job with a huge pay off coming to fruition...
when it does, I'm taking my Mom to Europe.
don't tell's a surprise.
She's never been, and neither have I.
but she needs to.
Hopefully my sister will come, too.

I want earplugs.
oh, jesus...
I'm acting like a spoiled little shit headed brat.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't entirely clear when I bitched about this in my last post...
which reminds me:
SHUT THE FUCK UP, you whiney bitch.
(sorry, just a little self-reprimanding...)
anyway, the one time of my day I could change to make better use of is the hours from when the kids go to bed until I'm ready for sleep, which is roughly 5 hours.
Guess what I always do?
Sit in bed and watch tv with my husband.
don't get me wrong, I like tv.
but I'm so driven by my need to please him that I spend all of that time with him,
when he's already given me "permission" (because I asked for it, not because I required it...) to ignore him a couple of nights a week in favor of my dreams of writing...
so, I'm to blame.
I just have a hard time breaking habits.
and besides, it's too damn hard to purposely ignore someone you love.

This fucking grey, fucking polluted, fucking WEATHER is completely dampening my spirits.

my history of rock n roll professor said he's writing a proposal for a book...
I'm so tempted to ask him if he wants some help.
I am so passionate about the subject, and I am fairly sure I'm a better writer than he is--he's an award-winning composer, but his grammar blows.
the notes are full of many examples of the following: "more thicker"....
he even says it that way in class sometimes!!!
so anyway, I think I could handle stringing together his research into much lovelier-flowing sentences.
aw, who am I kidding??
I'm all talk.

maybe, after we make Rice Krispie Treats...
I'll be back.
yeah, yaeh.
I've said that before.
I guess going to the gym would be a better use of my time...
trust me, I need it.
my SOUL needs it.
my heart...

this post is such a fucking downer!!!!
I promise you I'll put something better up before tomorrow.
because I hate the thought of this sitting here.
I am not a negative person, and I hate adding this to the universe.
I used to feel original and itneresting.
today I feel used up and covered in dust.
I am going to slide into the saddle of this stupid cunt of a bad mood--
and ride it into the sunset I will hastily paint onto a far wall...

must go.

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