Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's a beautiful day outside,

and I've had a great day.
in the stillness my heart becomes heavy,
my thoughts are pulled in a direction I don't want to go.
I don't want to ask myself if I've lost heart.
I don't want to find the answer to whether or not I've lost one of the best things about me...
my ability to sympathize, to empathize.
I don't know where it went, or why.
Or if it's really gone, at all.
Maybe it's just on vacation...
or maybe it has been tempered by time.
It hurts too much when I feel everyone's pain.
and it does no one any good.
But it sure does feel strange not to feel certain kinds of pain.
or to react to certain news with a blink and a marked lack of emotion--
a dullness in my chest.
Sometimes I wonder how much my marriage has changed me.
and while I will readily point out the positive changes...
I hate to place blame.
I would hate to not take responsibility.
but there is a certain re-shaping that has occurred,
and it's been slow, hardly noticeable.
but I fear that I've lost some things, some small, tender parts of me...
parts that I need.
parts that are requisite to my view of this world.
Can I get an X-ray...?

I sent a package to my parents--
a few things they left in the guest room on their last visit.
I also printed out all of my homework so they could see.
Since most of the writing I've done over the past couple of years has been somewhat un-parent-friendly, I was glad to have something to show them.
My mom called me, breathlessly, on Monday.
She was so excited to have seen what I am doing, and so proud...
that was a great moment.
It was her idea for me to write.
It was, in fact, a very special moment, but I didn't have anyone to relate it to,
so I guess you guys get to know.

My husband got that promotion I mentioned the other day.
It'll be great for his career.
and I guess I like money, so that's nice.
I hate being alone, though.
The upside is, I'll have more time for writing when he's gone.

I think I'll write a more upbeat post a little later...
I also think I crushed my fucking pinky finger today at the gym.

housewife out.

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