Friday, July 15, 2005

So tired that I couldn't even sleep--

just wasted ten minutes searching for Runaway Train lyrics, and downloading said track from napster, because the line I wanted to quote was A) not a real line at all and B) the one that was closest refused to sing properly in my head...

do I have issues?
but really, I was just trying to say I've promised myself something and I have so totally like fer sure NOT kept the promise.
only, no...that's not it either.
god damn Soul Asylum!!
why didn't they just write the damn lyric to suit my mood of the moment????
(yes, it's a club I joined in college for extra credit: JESUS FUCKERS...bunch of weirdos. They were catholic nuns with a wild streak...hey! they're married to him, I should think they could screw him every now 'n' again! don't be so judgmental...mental...mental...mental....for fuck's sake, did someone slip me some MJ????)
ok, so my other favorite song, partly because I can sing it, and partly because the lyrics MIGHT just apply to me...
only not really.
but it's funny to pretend...
Green Day, "Basket Case"
I'm not linking or posting the lyrics because I think you should already know by now that I am one of those melodramatic fools...

I didn't even drink coffee.
or bloody marys.
or red wine.
I think the heat is getting to me...
seeping in through the crack under the door and reaching for me--
like the arm of water in The Abyss!!
that movie was so fucking great.

seriously, I have major ADD tonight.
"tonight? Tonight, she says. Tonight as opposed to...?"
yeah, go fuck yourselves.
no it...and for the love of god, let me watch!!!!

so the promise I made myself--
It's just that I always sorta promise myself that I will not compare myself to others, right?
because that's unhealthy and downright stupid.
and I generally do a pretty good job of keeping that particular human instict in check.
keeping myself balanced, or whatevah.
but there are times when I feel incredibly shitty about myself or my life or my bangs
(no, not hair, a list of guys ending 7 years ago.)
and in those times I start to compare.
It annoys me.
I caught myself doing it just tonight.
apparently my inner beast is on the prowl.
ah, well.
screw you, inner beast.
why don't you go hang out with the pms fairy and pick on all the Wall Street assholes?
jeeez....those two are quite a pair.
I hope they get lost.

so anyway, it's a really strange feeling when I encounter something that I take so personally,
when I have no business comparing to fucking begin with--
the way my whole insides feel like a stormy afternoon,
or a child runnning to hide from an angry father.
the fact that I feel so...affected,
by something so distant.

dammmmmmmmmn it.
I hate when I expose myself like this.
now, exposing myself to a crowded train is an entirely different story.
talk about "rush" hour!
fuck no, I've never done that you freaks!
but somedays, I would sorta kinda like to. through BYU campus in knee high black boots and a wide-open trench coat...
ok, maybe a thong.
hell, if I didn't get arrested, I would probably get laid.
poor repressed bastards.
I will, however, always cherish the memory of the elevator fuck, a couple of valentine's days ago, in the tallest building on campus.
short skirt, tall boots--tall husband.
anyway, at least I'm not wallowing in it.
I wrote this as a way to get it out of my system and more clearly remind myself not to be such a fucking cunt.
and because writing about any emotion, good, bad or even ugly, like this one, is a great exercise for me.

ok, so it's the weekend which means not many people will read this, but regardless, I want to end on a more cheerful note.

picture this:
you are standing in the blurry cylinder of light from a streetlamp,
as the rain pours down in sheets,
your arms outstretched, your head back as you spin in circles.
your laughter carries, muffled by the sounds of the storm,
into the windows of your neighbors, and into their hearts. I'm picturing my body pressed to...his...both of us cold and drenched, and feeling the hardness pressing into me as we tumbled behind some bushes and fought against the suction of wet fabric to skin, exposing each other's need, our mouths hot despite the cold skin, our bodies joining, despite the hurdles...
mmm....I like that.

also, I like that my imagination fills me with such joy, because is never as perfect
as the scenes I trip through in my own little head.

one more thing to make you smile--
I keep stretching my arm above my head and sticking my nose into my pit for a deep sniff.
I like how my cold nose feels against my warm arm, and even more oddly...
I like the smell.

good thing y'all don't know where I live.
without an address, you'll have a hell of a time getting me committed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had planned to lay in bed and read my fabulous book, but this feels good, too.

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