Happy 3rd of July, fuckers!

yes, I'm aware that this isn't a holiday of any kind.
but that's not really important...is it?

Today was a beautiful, luxurious kind of day.
I took the little guys to a monstrous playground, shaped like a castle,
with a pirate ship and a dragon.
there were flies, of the dragon and butter variety,
and a clear blue sky.
I got to finish my book,
they got to stretch their imaginations.
the only snag in the day was the fact that I drank
way
too
much
coffee, beforehand.
ah, well.
what can ya do?
that's right--
you can use a public/parks bathroom,
with no toilet paper and no soap.
fuck yes!
my favorite experience.
oh well...
at least there was a toilet.
when we got home, the kids crashed--
and hubby got home just in time for a sweaty, wild afternon romp.
AND we got to watch a couple more episodes of 4400 (on USA, not Sci Fi, pardon me) before they woke up.
bliss, I tell ya, bliss.

the thing I was wondering about in yesterday's post...
was whether I've done the "strong" thing by letting go of the dream of Maine,
(not YOU, ego-kid--hahahaha!)
or whether I have, in fact, given up.
which is, of course, a very
very
bad kind of a thing.
and stuff.

I watched "The Aviator" last night.
enjoyed every second of it.
but somewhere, in the midst of it,
I had a strong sense of something else,
and I jotted it down--
as per everyone's advice th'other day.
I was suddenly imagining...him...
tearing through the night from one sticky-floored, smoke-filled pub to another.
The thought of the company he kept then, far surpassed the darkness of those nights.
It gave me more than a shiver...something long and chilling...to think of him there.
I guess you could say it frightened me.
Sharp edges, rough words.
I wonder...
Would I have recognized him then?
fuck.
this isn't coming out right.
and THAT is the problem with not having a computer permanently attached to my fingertips.
I felt it, last night, so strongly,
this...story?
or whatever it was.
and it's gone now...
I had fucked-up, crazy dreams last night, too.

this knowledge has been creeping through me,
like ivy across a stone wall...
that I'm losing something very important to me.
I don't know...
life is so much more complex than television would have us believe.
and I can never tell when I'm crossing the line of "too selfish"...
I have finally realized that I don't even want to have everything I want,
because half the fun of life is yearning...
but desire is a dangerous beast, as well.
it can seize our hearts and drag us in directions we thought we would never go.
oh, it's not so dramatic--
nor so traumatic--
as it may sound, I promise.
I just know that it's true.
so...
"to yearn or not to yearn?" seems to be a highly pertinent question, really.
to find that balance...
to be satisfied with some things, but still hope for more.
having hope is something that fades in and out...
sometimes I am too well-roundedly satisfied, and the feeling of hope is like a shadow on a cloudy day (faint)...
but other times I am so hungry with hope that I can scarcely keep up with my dreams--
they grow bigger and bigger every day,
blossoming to fill my entire vision--
forcing me to forget all else.
a happy medium would be nice...
or maybe not, right?
the thing I'm losing is my youth, I guess.
hee.

I guess the moral of the story is, I've started to wonder if I've given up on the dreams I had for myself, in order to fit the role I'm in.
now that sounds dramatic.
I don't mean it like that, though.
at least, I don't think I do...
I just...
bah.
I feel so content with this life, that it worries me a little...
does that sound crazy???
yeah...maybe a little.
but I want to hitchhike across the country,
or drive it at least--
in a meandering and writerly fashion.
I want to go sky diving.
I want to travel to any and all continents and corners of the world.
I want to live in the country...
I want to...
chase down every moment of this life, and
dance
laugh
cry
my way through them all, at just the right speed--
not too fast, not too slow.
I want to meet--
everyone.
I want to give everything I have to everyone I know.
(hm...that sounds like an STD joke waiting to happen...)
I want to experience.
period.
so...
I guess I better grab this damn bull by the horns and make damn sure I'm living my life the way I want to.
which sounds far more sassy than I feel---
as I am living my life the way I want to...
just gotta make sure and not leave out the exclamation points, the question marks, the pregnant pauses, I guess.
this life is a steady flow of sentences, statements of fact.
and that's not good enough, baby, no it's not!!!

well, whether this made any sense or not, I'm finished.

good thing it's the weekend, eh?
wouldn't want to lay the heavy stuff out when lots of people are wandering through here!