Saturday....

special.
sporty.
splendid.
serene.
superstitious.
Saturday.

I am filled with stories, today.
Not real ones.
Not like, "boy have I got a story for YOU!"
Nor, "Oh the stories I could tell..."
NOpe.
More like...
sweet little butterflies--
big ugly moths,
swirling around in my head.
waiting to be told,
waiting to be filled in by letters and spaces and punctuation...

I miss the country...
where the porch light drew the most enormous,
brilliantly colored--
but frightening--
moths.
I realized, though...
that maybe I don't have the endurance of the characters in epic poems.
I wonder if my passion is short-lived...
or if I give up too easily.
I cornily yearned to move home,
I ached for it.
I dreamed of it.
I was a tortured soul, in love with the near-suffocating forests,
the vast and cold (temperment and temperature) sea...
the people, who were strong and hard and...
real.
I relentlessly compared this strange place to that Eden of my youth--
let's not forget how much I wanted to get out, while I grew there.
I was a big fish in a small sea, but that made returning so much more inviting.
there were a thousand and twelve issues--
hangups, shoulder-borne chips, complaints, reasons.
but.
I gave up.
somewhere in time...
I don't remember when, exactly, it stopped hurting to not be there.
I don't recall the way it felt to let that ghost drift out of my white-knuckled grasp.
but here we are.
and I'm...seemingly, over it.
I like to think I'll still end up back there someday...
but.
I'm living in the present, now.
and loving it.
Utah's lame, in plethoras upon plethoras of ways...
(that could very possibly be the strangest sentence I've ever come up with--
and may very well be super duper wrong-o, but who's counting? yeah, shut it.)
but I still proudly call it home.
because home really is where the heart is.
somewhere my definition of this shifted...
from:
"Maine is home, and my heart stays there no matter where my body is forced to be."
to:
"Since my heart is with my children and my husband, and they are (however unfortunately) located in Utah, then that is where my heart is."

anyway...
stories.
hmm...
have they flown away?
damn insects.

Hey, has anyone been watching "The 4400", on Sci Fi?
fucking fantastic series.
I teared up like 5 times in the first episode--
they played the whole first season today.
good thing, cuz we just discovered it.

I seriously need to fire that damn secretary I have in my head.
Everytime I have a cool train of thought going,
I lose it before I write it down.
You'd think I could have some little fairy or chimp or microchip--
to take care of that for me.
actually, it's easier to figure out than that...
the kids usually interupt me and even if all i'm doing is thinking of a grocery list,
it's gone and i usually don't even remember that i was thinking about something, let alone that I've now forgotten it.
That's what I get for thinking, I know.
or at least for trying to think with the little dears around.
That's ok, they're worth it.
besides, Kindergarten starts soon...
and with my schedule, I'll only be at school 2 of the 5 days they're at school...
sweet silence!!
yes, I realize I'll be doing homework during that time,
but that's a dream in itself--
I love homework...
(yes, someone please make note of that and shove it in my face when I'm complaining about the workload, wouldja? thanks.)

ok, time to do a superbly Saturday-ish thing,
and take the bow-ees to the playground.