Sunday, July 20, 2003


i checked this guy's link because i LOVE that book and, frankly, everything else i've read by god damn it. i just blanked the author's name. how did that happen??? faaaack. and also, while i'm at it (this whole "god damn"ing business) i'm about fucking sick of hitting the god damn windows key all the time. i mean, why do they have to put it there, when they know i have small hands...which is my excuse for being clumsy as a typist. (insert sheepish grin)......JOHN IRVING. good lord. see, i knew if i stopped thinking about it for a minute it would come to me. i'm smarter than myself which is nice sometimes, but annoying as hell at other guys know what i mean. (and by guys, i actually don't mean guys at all. i mean girls.) erg. anyway, my point is, i didn't read much of the site yet, but it looks like it'll be good. this dial up pay by the hour internet crap is just plain freaking weird. and actually having to turn on a computer and wait for it to boot up???? what in the bloody hell is THAT all about??? my parents are hilarious that way. frugal in some truly non sensical ways...and yet Daddy dearest insists on putting the top level of gas in his Caddy (super or premium?) that's some expensive shiz these days, folks! at least it gets good gas mileage (his obsession!!), it's cute, really.

Saw my half sister the other day. she's hilarious. and i don't mean she should work in comedy. she's more like a walking soap opera and that's just the way she likes it. she's a bit of an exaggerator. she's 45-ish and, honestly looks fantastic, (tall thin dark pretty) and shes' been dating men in their 20's lately which everyone in my highly gossipy family thinks is a huge scandal, but i say--you GO girl! nothin wrong with that!! he he. she's so funny to listen to. everything is, "I kid you not" and stuff....i love it.

well, i'm having a bit of a catharsis, actually. life is good. beautiful, full, sweet. sort of scares me cuz that just means things could go wrong....=) holy cynicism,'s true, though. well, anyway. I have finally made my way out of a dark tunnel of unhappiness, bitterness, and continuous yearning--for something lost, something different...I thinnk I've finally accepted who i am and where i am in life and the good news is--these things are enjoyable, fulfilling. Of course, the catch 22 is this: I was running away when i made the initial plans for this trip, and by the time my departure date arrived I wanted to stay right there in my home. yes, home. i think i'm ready to brush that pesty "utah sucks" chip off my shoulder--yikes!! big step, my friends, big step. so many figurative lights have been coming on in my head in the past couple of weeks that i'm beginning to get headaches. I just finally get it. I finally realized the foolishness of so many things, and the true importance of others. I'll leave it as ambiguously as that. =) i seriously love my life right now. I spent the first few days wanting to go home, and wondering what the hell i was thinking, by leaving my life behind for a whole month but it's good. My whole perspective has changed. It's crazy. I'm really sort of tripping out over this. I mean, I was in a huge depression for two years and i didn't ever really know it but now that it's over I do know it and I can't believe how great it feels to be me again. woo hoo!

so enough of that deep shiiiiiit. i wish i had time to really spend quality time writing right now. work on my book, or start a new one. i finally understand the concept of someone who has that perpetual novel going...yet to be completed, etc....ah, who cares? I'll write when i want to write and if i get published, great. and if not, oh well, cuz i will enjoy the hell out of writing fiction and journals for the rest of my days. started a hand written journal again. just on a whim i grabbed the pretty one my mom bought me at christmas (her way of reminding me how much i loved journal keeping) and brought it along. it was the perfect thing. cuz, here i go to bed alone so i can write. that's when i write in my journal, and i don't know how to do it any other time, but it sure as hell fire doesn't work when you're sharing a bed with MY husband (right girls?) besides the fact that it's harder to let loose when i know it's highly probable that he could read it.....

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