well, look at that--blogger decided to work

i'm using Word Pad because blogger isn't letting me write a post...
on second thought, that probably means i shouldn't write one.
i'm also in a rage, which is a second indicator i shouldn't write anything.
(for public viewing at least)

so i'll take a couple of deep breaths (yes, possibly from something lying around Anti's house...)
and then i'll change the subject.
i will not address the petty, silly thing that is bothering me.
why?
because i don't frigging feel like it, that's why.

and i have this stupid song running through my head.
well.
it's a song i love, but it's really starting to annoy me.
okay, back to the deep breaths...

so my friend called to tell me what he thought was the funniest joke ever, about the special olympics.
but it was retarded.

yeah, i know...i am a loser.
but i had to do something to jar myself out of the fucking state i had worked myself into.
jeeezus.

now i have some good tunes on, blocking out monsters god damn Inc.
and i remember sitting on the grass.
the ocean salty in the air.
he sat on a park bench, with his guitar.
so modest, so beautiful.
i couldn't move.
the others talked and laughed, making requests.
his eyes would meet mine, almost furtively (but in a sweet, soft way), as he changed chords.
and my eratically beating heart would stop for a moment.
and i hadn't even tasted his skin yet.

i feel stale.
i feel like everything i have to say has already been said--some of it by me.
the shadows on the wall are soft, because the light outside is dark.
gray.
it's a cold, gray day.
But I love it.
I think the gods heard me--
when a thought flitted through my head, wondering if there would be any breaks from the heat.
yes--already.
i know, i'm a wuss.
i just happen to be a spoiled little brat who likes things her way all the time.
and the heat wasn't even really bothering me.
so wait...
maybe those asshole gods are up to their "thing" again.
that thing where they like to piss me off.
and boy do they!
oh well.
fuck em.

i have a feeling my muse has been taken hostage by those nasty little gods.
he/she/it is no where to be found these days.
i want to stand on top of a green hill, with the wild flowers dancing in the breeze.
bees buzzing, purple clover like pom poms on children's hats filling the air.
i want to hold my arms up to the blue sky and simply wish for the rain, and bring it.
gently, warmly--sliding through the sunshine.
i want to feel it run down my naked body, cleansing me of anything and everything useless or unused or unhappy or uncomfortable or unworthy.
i want to tip my head back and drink it in, being filled with the glitter of it.
i want to feel--in the deepest part of me--a satisfaction and joy so pure it almost hurts.
i want to be so light from this cleansing that i float away on a breeze.
i would notice this with the soft smile of someone drugged, and will myself to go higher and faster.
the wind would cradle me, surprisingly warm--or is it just that i don't mind coldness now?
i would only notice the earth below as soft patches of color, and an inner compass would guide me to the destination that my heart hadn't even shared with my head yet.
and i would land, softly.
clothed in clouds and flowers.
a young man sitting under a tree with a notebook, frustrateted.
i would whisper things in his ear, and his pen would start moving, his face would brighten yet grow more serious with concentration.
his focus would be so sharp upon that page, upon his own need to create, that he would never see me.
and when i had poured out all that i had for him, the wind would lift me again.
it is then that he would see me, and reach out for me.
but i would be gone.

um.
yeah.
i guess that's what i did on my summer vacation.
heh.
or if Lisa a Muse.
ha!
if i was a muse, nothing would ever be created again--cuz it would all suck.
besides, with powers like that, i would just travel the world looking for lovers.
which is where i thought i was going with that, but then the whole landing in a strange place in my birthday suit thing sort of put me in a different direction.
although, on second thought...
nothing like a little cheesy sci-fi porn to start the day, eh??
ugh.

well.
have a good day, and if you see my muse--tell her to sober the fuck up and come home.