i love saturday mornings

particularly the ones where i don't wake up in a pool of regret and vomit.
ha!
that's actually never happened to me.
but, i do hate waking up hung over.
and i'm not.
so there is much joy and happiness.

i'm a last minute shopper, it's no surprise.
so i'm going out to get a few things for the husband today.
i was planning to get him a new golf bag, but he changed his mind.
so...
what's the next logical choice?
of course!
it's off to the sex toys shop!
but i was picturing myself at the checkout counter (i don't care WHO you are, that's an awkward moment..."yes, yes--i'm planning to have this shoved inside one of my intimate body cavities later. oh that? yes we thought we'd see if we could fit that in too. nice color isn't it? i think it'll go well with these...")
so anyway, i was imagining my conversation with the sales clerk--
"yeah, they're for father's day. oh! (pause) for my HUSBAND. yeah...not my father--that would just be fucking sick! oh. well, i guess it is a little sick anyway..."
hm.
think i'll shelve that one and opt for awkward silence.

so.
speaking of AWKWARD SILENCE!!
heh.
so how are you?
great.
how 'bout those Lakers, eh?

well, speaking of disturbing...
i just glanced up at the cartoon my kids are watching.
(sponge bob, for the record, which is great stuff.)
but there was a little banner, an ad for a later show--
"for a freaky good time call ashley 555-6123"
okay, not the last part.
but it did say, "for a freaky good time"
and instructed you to watch a particular cartoon later.
um...
maybe i'm the only perv out there. (probably not)
or maybe most kids wouldn't get it. (probably)
but...
i don't know.
i guess i'm just a little disturbed at the way the world is going to hell in such a pretty little handbasket.
maybe i was raised waaaaaaaaay too christiany.
but jeeeeezus!
i mean, hell.
um.
now i'm stuck in a religous terms swearing loop.
what was i saying?
oh yeah.
degenerates everywhere.
end of story.

i think i'll exercise a little self-control...
and instead of sitting here all day, i'll go hop in the shower.
and drag this starting-to-get-fat-again ass of mine to the gym.
and stop eating--and sleeping.
wouldn't it be easier if i just smoked crack for a couple of weeks??
argh.
why do all the good diets have to be illegal?

okay, off to do this the right way.
have a fun saturday.

***additional comment, 6pm:

first of all, it is important to note that tomorrow is NOT Father's Day.
i had a bridal shower to attend at 3pm today.
so, i planned to do my father's day shopping and pick up a gift for the bride-to-be at the same time.
I planned to do this after the shower.
after the shower.
so, i got home from the gym around 1:30 and the husband said...
"you might want to get into the shower if you're going to pick up her gift on the way."
it was like bells going off in my head.
i laughed so hard i almost peed my pants!!!
i swear to G.O.D. if i were any flakier...i would be a croissant.
which they had at the shower...
lots of good food...
mmm...
i guess the fucking diet starts tomorrow--again.
ooh--a "fucking" diet?
i like the sound of that.
maybe i should just up my dosage--
from "one-two daily, as needed" to "one-two before each meal"...
hmm....
i'm sure the mr. would approve.
hell, he'd even swear that 9 out of 10 doctors would agree (and let's face it, they probably would).
i'll let you know how that goes.