there wasn't a thing i could do about it...

(sometimes my titles just slip off my fingers and they are apropos of nothing.)

and yeah...i love using slick little latin words to try and smart up my site--why do you ask???

don't worry, i don't actually think it'll work.
this site will still be a silly, ridiculous waste of time.
trust me.

like...
maybe today i'll talk about painting my toenails.
i'm addicted to this, you know.
but, like a sloppy addict--a lazy one.
it's just that i have to have them painted or i feel naked.
--not that i don't LOVE being naked, it's just that to be properly naked, one must have pretty toes.

there are some things in life that can't be explained, can't be known.
it's odd how this list of things is longer for some and that everyone's list has different items.
it's also a little fucking odd that i can't be deep with a child on my lap asking why every 3.4 seconds....
i may have been on my way to a great philosophical discovery there.
but we'll never know....
okay, okay--i can pretty much guarantee that that line of thought was going nowhere anyway.
but still.
having someone to blame is like a fucking mastercard commercial: priceless.

i do wish i would spend more time contemplating the ice berg that lies below the surface instead of just gliding merrily along the parts above water.
they're so sparkly and slippery and nice, though!!
but still.
i am not really a shallow person--just lazy.
i am fun loving and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants
(that took like, ten minutes to type with all those god damn hyphens--i hope you appreciated it!!)
i think i revert to my shallow persona to alleviate my own suffering...
from feeling things too deeply.
it can be crippling, you know...
to feel every little thing--each one like a pin prick or the slash of a knife.
to yearn for things i shouldn't, or to marvel over the smile of my child--to the point of tears.
to see in my mind the expanse of lonely dark nights and sobbing ahead for a friend in pain, or the bliss filled years of one who found her soulmate--marred only slightly by the pain her choice causes her mother, and her own faith.
...how listening to music is a transportation device--through time and space.
and it pierces me so thoroughly that i feel it pulsing inside and it takes my mind and heart to the depths of black caverns or propels me to the stars, to a warm summer field, to the cool salty ocean, to a dark quiet bedroom--to a locked chest full of memories.

i cherish these visions, but sometimes they are too much.