Thursday, June 08, 2006

The silence is slithering through my house...

and I want to be wrapped in it.
but purging my thoughts requires muted tappings on a thickly buttoned keyboard.
I know, it sounds odd, but that's how it feels.
The keys press firmly but with a...a thickness.
That's all.

The weather was crazy today.
Wild and wonderful.
I think I say, "wild and wonderful" a lot...
that's just because to me, wild is wonderful, and wonderful is often wild...
but anyway.
I was driving west, with a small airport to my left, farmland stretching around it, to the hills.
And all I could see was a huge, brown cloud.
I couldn't decide if it was a fire or a dust storm.
It didn't smell like fire, until much later, when I left the store,
but the wind was raging and the ground is dry.
The clouds were amazing...
my son called me a sunshine cloud, as he looked up at a bank of white-edged rain clouds with a patch of blue sunny sky pressed close.
A sunshine cloud!
Oh, oh, my heart.
Where did he come up with that?
Those miniature angels fill me so full of love that it does hurt.
To see their tanned little faces, freckle speckled noses, smiling up at me.
So handsome, like tiny men--tiny, soft, smooth, innocent men.
I do so love this rollercoaster I've bought a round trip ticket on.

I am searching for my muse.
I realized today there is a partial reason for my lost ability to find words.
There are several, I suppose.
One of them is very complex, and I'm not sure I should try to explain it here.
I can attempt to move beyond this problem, though.
I don't need a muse to help me breathe my soul out through my fingertips.
I love being inspired, though.
I'm not sure how my inspiration has been truncated, but I think I'll grab it by the balls and pull it to me...
I think I love too deeply, and too diversely.
...often, too perversely. heh...

Ok, enough of the deep stuff.
I watched a movie tonight.
A New World.
I am still not sure how I feel about it.
I know that I love collin Farrel more than any sane woman should, and that I would risk my marriage and my STD-free status for one thrust of his...hips, but that's getting off the point.
getting off...hahaha...
Like I was saying: the movie was not great, but it had beautiful cinematography and a dreamy, abstract quality (through parts of it) and with Colin Farrel to distract from the oddly lacking dialogue, it was worth watching.
Not nearly as devourable as some people with sexy dialects and far lower skank-ratings, though.
Just more easily objectified.
Because some people, whose voice sends shivers down my spine, and whose outsides are as intensely and intricately beautiful as their insides...well, those people are--
fun to objectify, too, who am I kidding?
That's ok, though, cuz he's a man; he likes it.
I am feisty today, sorry...

I was talking to a good friend today, from Maine.
She was telling me about the new man she's seeing...
Made me crave that newness, but just for a moment.
Cuz then I remembered how quickly the newness usually fades, only to be replaced with doubt and discontent.
Blah blah, whatever.
It was most satisfactory to chat with her...
naw, "most satisfactory" is the exact opposite version of the same thing I felt.
It was...soul quenching.
She has found family again, a near-orphan.
My uncle and his wife have taken her under a wing.

My next review is in tomorrow's paper.
I am still surprised by that shivery feeling of sending my words out into the world--
did I include all the pertinent info? Was it all correct? Were my ideas clear?
So that's today, for most of you.
I mean, when most of you read this it will be Thursday.
Or Friday...
Ok, that's not a "most".
Even if it is a teeth trailing across smooth skin portion of you.
My eyelids are heavy...
will someone help me hold them up?
Better yet, hold my hand and walk with me up two flights of stairs, and fold me into cool sheets. your long fingers down my side, cupping around to pull me to you by my ass.
fuck me slowly as my eyelids flutter and my neck arches back, hair spilling over pillows, arm flung sleepily above my head.
rock with me, and feel me join your rhythm with my pliable, half-sleeping body.
fall asleep inside me, lace your fingers through mine, kiss my forehead, my nose, then my lips...I kiss you back, with a trace of my usual hunger, and a flash of desire i almost wake up.
You smile and release me back to my dreams which grow more beautiful with every beat of your heart on my cheek.


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