Cut your hair and get a job

No manners any of you. Staring with jaws agape.

I'd take of my belt to you if my fawn slacks wouldn't fall down.

And the pornography! Naked, semi-naked, underwearless. Some showing some ankle for God's sake! All that I used to need to get me going was a coquettish tilt of a chin and a mile and a half of crinoline.

Now it's more a case of weak flesh rather than willing spirit.

I talk to my last girlfriend quite often, via seance.

None of this independence of spirit from her mind you. None of this 'I'm a housewife but yet I still feel the need to go online, write and express individual thought'. Oh no. She was well aware of the three 'H's.

Housework, housework and housework.

And sodomy.

But I digress.

The girl you seek has been away but will return. I am the last of my kind. Elrond entrusted me with this, the one true blog and I will surely return it intact.

I can only imagine the scrotal mass some of you one-handed typists must have accrued in her absence. Laminate your screens, your desks, your floors, your pets for the semen tsunami that must surely ensue with your first nipple for a week or so.

Glorious and naked the guest bloggers have knelt before you, laying open their hearts, their souls, their small-minded prejudices before you, the wanking public.

How should you, should I, should werepay them? Laugh. A lot. They don't mind, they're hardened veterans of a thousand hazings. Whether at or with laugh until you vomit.

Think of them as they crawl back to their pathetic semi-lives, ekeing out a living giving handjobs for cash and peddling the written word for a few measley comments.

It's a hard life, but some cunt's got to do it.

What have we learned?

Little.

There's a general uneasiness about homosexuality out there, which is strange in this day and age.

There's an almost adolescent fascination with sex for some reason.

That at least one of them can write, but who?

So the moral of the story is this: Don't fuck someone up the arse if you're not prepared to throw in the odd reach-around.

Normal housewife service will be resumed shortly.

Do not adjust your set.