Saturday, August 19, 2006


today I feel oddly at peace.
I don't know if it's because funerals really do offer closure,
or if it's because I am so tired that nothing seems real, let alone the thing I don't want to think about anymore.
I would say I've grieved well.
But this new feeling is odd.
It's like he's still here, just somewhere else right now.
The shock has worn off; I'm accustomed to this new and ugly information which has settled in the folds of my brain, rather stubbornly.
I cried so often and so hard that I guess maybe I'm out of tears for a while.
I'm not trying to get ahead of myself, but I have pretty tangible hope that my life will wend its way back to a pattern of normalcy soon.

The service was perfect.
Each brother spoke for a few minutes.
The oldest went first and was amazing.
I want a copy of his speech.
He is like his mother and I--a lover of words, both writing and reading.
I made a CD to play as background music during the one hour viewing before the service....
I carefully selected some of the sombre tunes from among his favorite heavy metal CDs.
No Leaf Clover-Metallica
Mama Said-Metallica
Silent Lucidity-Queensryche
When the Children Cry--White Snake (or Lion?) because it was a song his daughter loved to listen to with him. She calls it "The guitar song" because of the opening.
I somehow included a Quiet Riot track!
The one that starts out, "Come on feel the noise! Girls rock your boys!"
I felt like such an idiot.

The place was packed.
They had to add more seating and open an extra little room.
Beautiful speeches by everyone.
My husband even managed to restrain himself from chewing out the Assholes.
These are people who took the two boys just older than Cameron as foster children when they were in high school.
They have remained important to each other, but when Galen got divorced they took his wife's side and turned their backs on him.
It hurt him so much.
So...Cam thought he would bring that up.
Fortunately he mentioned it to me and I gently suggested that it would be more appropriate to speak to them privately.
Galen would have HATED for him to make a scene.
The mother in question attempted to give Cameron a hug during the viewing and he looked her in the eye and said, "No, I don't think so," but that's as far as he went.
Praise the jeebus.
I mean, hell.
I'd like to tear those pricks a couple of new assholes, too, but that wasn't the time or place.
Not only did they disown him because of the divorce, but they also were just plain asshats to my mother-in-law back in the foster care days.
They took all the credit for the successes of the two boys and treated her like dirt in general.

And the interment was almost more than I could bear, but then everything sort of went into peaceful mode.
It was a gorgeous day and an absolutely stunning cemetary.
His little spot is behind a grassy knoll...that would make him chuckle...with gorgeous, huge trees around it--very private and with a view of the whole valley.
It is just above his high school and only a mile or so from where his daughter lives.
She will visit him often.
There are bunnies there, and squirrels, which I think will make her visits especially nice.
They just scamper around, cuz it's kind of tucked away in the foothills.
She is so precious.
Her mother is amazing with her.

I hope I never lose anyone this close to me again.
Well, since that's not possible, I'll just hope for it to be a really long time.

In other news...
I just discovered that I can't take the sailing class I was so excited about.
It overlaps my niece's wedding weekend, which means my parents will be here and there will be lots of family stuff going on.
Stupid 19 year olds who think they should get married!!!
Dude. Just start screwing him.

I hope I don't forget to go to class next week...
It's on Thursday.
I also better go get some school clothes for my kids, who start the following Monday.
That is also my 8th wedding anniversary.
And yes, I'll be getting myself a few things as well.
Mostly shoes.
I've noticed that I have a bunch of sandals, but only a slightly beaten-up pair of UGG clogs and some black, high-heeled boots.
What the hell?
How did I make it through last winter?
I know I've gotten old when the thought of keeping on top of fashion makes me tired.

Here we are, back on another Saturday night.
And yet again I am feeling weary and in need of a bath.
This time...let's hope there is no knock at the door.

(Hawaii pictures coming soon)

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