Back in black

and feelin' blue.
Nah, not really, but I like the way that sounds.
It has a nice ring to it.
Back in black, and feelin' blue.
Yup.
I dig it.

I've been playing Yellow Ledbetter on repeat for days now.
Not sure if it's because I love it so much or if it's because I'm avoiding listening to about a hundred songs that make my heart cringe.
Either way, it's working out just fine.
Except for the times that the cringey songs sneak up on me and I have to hurry and turn the station/track.
Cuz what I've solidly committed to recently is that I will not wallow.
I will not excessively FEEL stuff.
I'm not saying I plan on shutting off all emotions or anything,
but being an angsty writer is just not working out so well for me.
It causes all flavors of trouble, is what!
I don't know.
Sigh.
It's like my whole identity is shifting, and I'm trying to coax it back to its most authentic version.
Cuz...I have made some pretty vast changes to who I am over the course of my marriage.
And I think that those changes produced resentment that festered in me without my knowledge.
So.
Time to get back to basics, baby.
Time to stop letting my need to please others interfere with authenticity.
I just need to figure this out.

And I can't stop missing my friends.
And I can't stop wondering how they're doing, and what's going on in their lives.

For a little while there, my mind was about to shatter into pieces the way that my heart has, so many times.
I truly felt like I was losing my grip on reality,
and one of the main reasons for that was the impending loss of my Life As I Know It.
It feels so wonderful to have a clear head again, to feel whole, if damaged.
Bruised rather than broken; I will mend.
I just wish I could have it all.
Mostly it feels good to be reconnecting with the core of me, instead of being so confused by all the blame and guilt and pain.
I spent so much energy trying to assure that I would not be bound to an unhappy life that I ended up pretty unhappy.
And now...
I feel calm.
It has been one month since the day I was supposed to move out and I was invited back for the final time.
This has been a good month.
Slow, steady progress.
I want to succeed and press onward with school.
I want to graduate, even if it's more than ten years after my friends got their first degrees, most of whom have second or third degrees now.
The greatest hope I have is when I feel that I have a partner in parenting; I relish his involvement in the most important part of my life.
We are building new habits and I hope they last.

Boy, oh boy, what a process this has been.