Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The end of an era...

I just realized that tonight is the last night of my official run as a housewife.
I am buzzing with excitement--
or is that just the plum wine I'm sipping while dinner cooks?
Either way.
It is worthy of celebration.
While I was grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my little dears,
there is something to be said for going out in the world and being a part of the whole circle of capitalism, ya know??

Might I take a moment to interject a little something off the subject?
I hate a lot of things about MySpace--from the insecure way they ask you every time you do anything, "Are you sure you want to________?" (add that friend, that song, post that comment), to the difficulties that arise with editing the html--come the fuck on, people, just let me edit my goddamned template!!
So anyway...what annoys me the very most is right here in the blog function. See, I have this styyyyyle, man, this grooove.
I have a WAY I do things, ya dig?
I type a post like it's a poem, no matter what I'm saying;
I can't help it, it's just how I roll.
In this particular stupid-ass editing window, I can't just hit "enter" and get a return.
Oh no.
I must hit "shift" and "enter" to get a normal "enter".
Dear, god, tell me why!!!!
It makes no sense.
So, like, Tom, you dirty bastard, if you are out there, listening, could you pretty please, with sugar to be licked off a stripper's nipples on top, make it an option to just have NORMAL key functions in this shit hole????

Who knew 5 and a half sips of plum wine would turn me into an irate little pumpkin pie maker???
(I made pumpkin pie today)

Well, I came here to write about something...but now the timer is beeping loudly in my plum wine-dazzled ears, and I should go remove the garlic, mushroom and spinach pizza from the oven before it burns.

Ok, I removed the pizza and now I'm back.
I also ate the pizza, and it was good.
The kids were not as impressed with the gentle mixing of flavors as I was, but that's just tough.
Now that picky-eatin' daddy is out of the picture, I'll cook what I damn well please!!!
Wooo, that feels good!
There are so many things I can do now, it's awesome.
Like, have a job, for example...
I can't even tell you how wonderful it feels to know that I will have something else in this world that I'm responsible for other than my own home....
and when people ask what I do, I can say, "I write marketing materials for a software company!!!!"
And sadly, yes, I'll probably have four exclamation points worth of enthusiasm when sharing that news.

I have so many great ideas about how to navigate my newly reset future that I can hardly sit still.
I must, though.
I must find that quiet place inside and really think, really feel to figure out my next step.
I need to commit to a vision and run with it.

Also, I could use an ice cube.
Someone's eagerness for that pizza may have interfered with her mouth's intentions to not get burned...

Friday, January 25, 2008

Drunk on a Weeknight, Part 2

Lordy, I'm blessed with a great babysitter.
Who was I talking to...someone asked where my kids were.
It felt almost accusatory.
With their favorite babysitter who plays with them and has a great time with them, asswipe.
I wish I could remember who it was...
Anyway, great night.
I did not get a hangover today, and that was such a miraculous and joyful experience that I decided to try it again.
We shall see.

Tonight there was a pool tournament at a very smoky small place.
There was a tiny little pixie of a girl, celebrating her birthday, so genuine and dear.
And toothless Mark, who got more than just his two front ones for christmas; he looks like a new man.

And the kid who thought he knew me, but he didn't.
Or maybe that was a pickup line....? ha. maybe.
But he looked familiar, and his last name wasn't Durden, but I checked, cuz Tylers must get that a lot.
and then when I say I'm a writer, i get a good lesson in why not to be quite so pretentious because you wouldn't believe how often people will say, "oh, everyone tells me that I should write a book about my life."
Sorry, dude.
Your life is just your life, and it's not that special.
You gotta have soul, you gotta have purpose.
Why the fuck do you think I haven't written a book yet, and why the fuck do you think there aren't 8 million memoirs lining the shelves?
No one cares that you did drugs and now you don't. Whoopdee frigggin doo. It's how the story's told that matters.
I'm an asshole, aren't I?
Yes, but that's just my attempt at balancing my life because you see, I was married to an asshole and now I'm not, so therefore I need to be both the asshole and the sweetheart, kind of like being both the mother and the father. Ha. That was a bad joke. Truly terrible.
But I'm good at terrible jokes.
And I'm terrible at good jokes.
But more than that, I'm terrible at pool.
And suddenly I have to pee and want some food and I want to stay up all night watching movies, but I'll be asleep 5 minutes after I get in bed, and for the moment I wish I had a man in my bed for just those 5 minutes, so I could grind into him and then kick him out. With a wink. Never would I really just gobble up and discard a precious Man Creature--they are delicacies to be enjoyed for a long time...haha!

I had something to say about the rockstar-pimp that frequents the bar we went to, something about how his hotness sizzles across the room and leaves you with freezer burn along the length of your neck and up into the corners of your mouth, your tongue dancing in your mouth, trying to leap out and down his throat or his pants or dear god, wherever he wants it---
fuck, he was god-like.
And his wife makes me seriously reconsider my sexual orientation.
They are this power couple, of hotness.
Fortunately she is amiable and inclusive and we hit it off...actually we pissed off the God of Sex by cheering her on in her victory against him in pool. I must have been drunk because I was very comfortable joking with him about the scowl on his face as she whomped him. And I must not have been very drunk because I didn't even once ask him if I could lick him.
Which is what I wanted to do.
Anywhere--hell, I'd lick his elbow, just let me touch that skin!
Ok, someone's horny.
not mentioning any names, but her initials are--

I'm just glad I got my drinking out of the way early.
Now I can stay home and watch movies all weekend in my pajamas...
It's going to snow from now until next month.
February starts in about 6 days, but that's still a lot of snow.
Good for the skiing, right?
I wonder if I'll be divorced by then?
I will celebrate by buying a plane ticket to Hawaii.
I have friends there--
a dear friend whose husband is forever in my heart because he knows my beautiful sister and he dubbed ME the "prettier sister"! No. Way. Lived my life in her shadow, folks, and that explains a lot doesn't it?? But the point is, I'll never forget that Irish bastard for sharing his preference. Sniff. I love you guys!!!

I'm going....
good night.....

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Who gets drunk on a Wednesday night?

Oh yeah...

Not very often, mind you, but this time.
I did.
And now my emotions are taking me hostage.
I am crying, lamenting the fate of my one true love--
he made commitments before he knew I existed,
before I knew he would complement my soul like a geometry problem.

It is 11:11 right now...
make a wish.

We had a great time tonight, becky and I.
We laughed and played darts
and laughed and tried to play pool...
she succeeded; I failed.
I chose great jukebox songs and earlier I cooked a delicious dinner.
We were the only women there, well, besides the bar hags, but seriously, they don't count...
and dear universe, please let me never be a bar hag.
Let me never be old and alone and inahling smoke every night cuz the walls of my home are too close, the staleness of the air more foul then second-hand lung cancer.
Let me glory in the beauty of love and then settle into its warm embrace for the next 50-60 years.
Let me find someone
I know, universe, I know you already gave me the most precious and magical gift you could conceive of--and that's saying a lot--but that gift, well, as it turns out that gift was more of a taunt....cuz I can't hold that gift and I can't smell the skin on the neck of that gift, and that gift can't kiss the small of my back and hold me tight when I cry.
I hate you universe for showing me everything I want and then hiding it so far away from me that I can never even feel the light reflecting off my gift, SEE my gift with my own eyes.
What's the point of any of this, if perfection is shown to me and kept away?

My heart breaks for Cameron for Blaine and for You.
I guess that's what I get for getting drunk on a Wednesday night.

Why is this blog so goddamn depressing these days???
I swear on the lives of all that I love: I am cheerful most of the time!!!
I am, I am.
But for some reason, I come here and out it pours.

I went skiing today, after hemming and hawing over whether or not to go.
I finally got there and as I approached the lift, I saw him.
The one that usually makes my heart soar.
For some reason, seeing him caused me to grimace.
And then as I exchanged smiles and words and landed on the chair that would carry me up the mountain,
a snarl began to grow in my chest.
And I worked my way down the intermediate slope without grace, stopping to take a picture for the kid doing the jump; I think it came out fabulously.
Stopping again to take off my skis and walk past the steep part because I was too growly to attempt it.
I think it's time to admit that he's only perfect when he's with me and that's not nearly often enough for my liking.
I want to spend more time with him--see him, taste him, soak up his presence.
I left after 3 runs, without saying goodbye.
I snatched my beloved Pearl jam from the dash and frantically searched my CDs for something more...screamable.
I found something, fortunately.
And I wailed my way down the mountain, angrily shouting along with Buckcherry and Rob Zombie...
It felt good and then I couldn't remember why I was so angry...there wasn't a reason.
He did nothing wrong, I just.
I dared to be open for love, so fast, so soon and then?
Then he wasn't quite ready, so it was like being rejected and that just shuts down love and I'm too drunk to be typing.
My head is spinning and I want to shower all this smoke off my body, my body which I love, my body which is beautiful in its smoothness, firmness, curviness.......
I wish You were here, always.
I wish I didn't love myself so much, so maybe I could settle for someone else loving me less. But I am fantastic and I want to be with someone who agrees. That's the whole point of this divorce situation...
fck mefuck me fuck me
fuck this

I will go to bed now.
shower first.
drink olots of water.
sick of fixing typos.
Better not be hung over in case I want to ski tomororw.
not at His mountain. At mine.
He doesn't want me around anyway.
fuck him.

fuck this
fcuk mfuck fuck.


Sunday, January 13, 2008

They call me Mellow Yellow...

quite right.

No, they really don't call me that.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I really have no clue who "they" are, anyway.
I do, however, wish they would quit being so opinionated and involved in everything.
Damn meddlers.

Good weekend, overall.
Spent some quality time with the kids yesterday, or rather, let them spend some quality time with their friends at an indoor jump around and be crazy place.
It was awesome.

I did not make it skiing Thursday, because I realized I had some grocery shopping to do and I sort of lollygagged around and missed the window of opportunity in which to go skiing...
I'm such a day dreamer sometimes.
Anyway, I may try again tomorrow.
My horoscope suggested that I be responsible tomorrow instead of giving in to my urge to play, but who really takes those things seriously???
We'll see.

Today was a day of cooking and lounging.
It was lovely.
I played with the kids some, and fed them a gorgeous dinner--
which, oddly enough, they appreciated!
They always do...and yet it never fails to move me and shock me that they are aware of the difference between Mom's Juicy Roast Beef and Freshly Mashed Potatoes and macaroni and cheese from a box...
Ok, it shouldn't shock me; they are NOT morons.
Anyway, it's cool to be appreciated.

I wish my head would stop spinning.
I am excited for this beautiful, fresh new year.
It's going to be a magical one, I can tell!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Well, well, well...

The Almost-Ex sent me the divorce papers last night.
Everything looks good.
We could be officially divorced in as little as 2 weeks.
Again I find myself with memories rushing down on me, and disbelief.
My future has been wrenched out of my grasp, but only because I wasn't holding on to it.
The thoughts fill my mind, without permission, of all the ways I could have done this better, could have made it work.
And how could I have made it work?
I could have changed the very last speck of Who I Am.
But that just wouldn't do, now would it?
Fuck no.
So now I smile again; see how quickly I can work through this stuff??
(Ok, maybe it helps that I initially wrote that little section in an email to my Dearest friend, who knows the patterns of my soul like the route to work...but either way, writing it cheered me up.)

I am trying to decide what to do with my possible last day of mid-week freedom...
Something about having a job is so thrilling to me!
I know, you guys think I'm crazy.
I just miss being a part of a team and I miss that satisfying feeling of earning money!!!!
I haven't had a real paycheck in 7 years!
The newspaper was fun, but it didn't really pay.
With a job on the horizon and the divorce cruising right along, my financial worries are alleviated, just like that.
I mean, let's don't forget: I've been a tad bit pampered the past few years and haven't had any involvement in my family's finances for nearly ten years...
It always felt a little weird, frankly.
And I am STOKED to be responsible for myself: instead of under his thumb.
I could possibly still take one class...
And maybe I will meditate on that.

It's weird, I don't feel like I have a voice anymore, in writing.
Maybe it's because I'm too accustomed to it, so it doesn't startle me anymore, but maybe it's just gone.


Anyway, the kids don't have school tomorrow so today is my (possible) last day of mid-week freedom, as I was saying.
I really want to go skiing....
Or I could clean/organize the Christmas vomit that has taken over the guest room.
Or I could get in bed and watch movies all day.
Or I could go grocery shopping and to the gym...
If I'm going to ski I better commit to it pretty damn fast or it won't be worth my time to go.

Rambling and disjointed?
Who me???
Have a great day--

Monday, January 07, 2008

Melancholic Monday

Sometimes I feel like You are a song I wrote,
but then I realize it must have been a collaboration,
and I feel a great sense of loss--
you were never really Mine.

But the sun is shining and I have lots to do, so I shall do it!

I went skiing yesterday--and this time I took a friend.
A friend who is a seasoned skier!
A friend who was very patient and very kind in instructing me.
In other words: I got my sea legs back!
I am ready to ski.
I am happily sore and ready to go back again and again until I get very comfortable.

My thoughts are not the most cheerful today.
I feel...a heightened sense of awareness that my husband replaced me and hasn't looked back.
I worry that he is not dealing with this properly, and I also worry that he is trying to change the financial arrangements, the secrurity of which has made it possible for me to not spiral into black depression.
I mean, money is low on my list of priorities in life, but it sure is nice to be able to feed the kids and drive a dependable car and live in a nice little house.
I fear his resentment is growing and his commitment to being "fair" is slipping.
I fear he is hiding money and lying about stuff.

He's probably just mad that I'm not suffering.

I refuse to be eaten up by worries.
I will continue to look for a job so that I feel less dependent on him and more in control of my own future!
I need to decide in the next couple of days whether I can pay for school or not.
I am applying for financial aid, but it's too late for this semester.
Welcome to reality, Lisa.
It's a little scary at times, but mostly I am excited to be a part of the world again.

Friday, January 04, 2008

I am in love--

With Regina Spektor, sillies.
This woman continues to move me like a U-haul.
if you must know...
I'm pretty content with My So-Called (Love) Life at this precise moment.
I feel calmer, more centered;
more alive.
This man.
Yes, I've graduated him from the casual term of endearment, "boy", to the more Real term, "man".

I feel.....
like the beach instead of the waves right now.
Smooth, warm, stable...if ever-shifting.

Just spent 2 hours on the phone with the dear friend who lived here for the month of November.
Miss her!
Love that baby of hers.
And she gave me the BEST fuckin' epiphany just before we hung up.
Rock that shit.
It was so amazing.
And I"m going to write it down so I don't forget, and then
I'm going to go to Sh's house and play Tetris til the break of dawn!
The reason the universe has thrown this perfect man into my lap and then made him unavailable is that I need (in a desert/rain manner) to learn to be ok with me and I need the space to pursue my interests and spend time with friends and--
oh, this doesn't even sound cool on paper, but it's sparky in my head, so whatever.
More later?

The newest addition to my art collection:

One of my faaaavorite artists, who happens to have both a beautiful soul and a beautiful face to match her beautiful creations!
(for the record, I got it for a STEAL at on auction...)

Tuesday, January 01, 2008


ppy New Year!!!

I hope this isn't an omen, but I am hungover and my cold has cranked up a notch or twelve.
I feel like shiiiiiiit.
But I choose to believe this is just the last of the previous year's ickiness being purged from my body before I move fully into this fresh, new year!

I think I had some cool shit to say, but then my congested chest and sinuses sort of choked the words from my grasp.
Oh well.

I think I'll snuggle back into my soft, warm bed and watch Hairy P0tter.