Monday, January 07, 2008

Melancholic Monday

Sometimes I feel like You are a song I wrote,
but then I realize it must have been a collaboration,
and I feel a great sense of loss--
you were never really Mine.

But the sun is shining and I have lots to do, so I shall do it!

I went skiing yesterday--and this time I took a friend.
A friend who is a seasoned skier!
A friend who was very patient and very kind in instructing me.
In other words: I got my sea legs back!
I am ready to ski.
I am happily sore and ready to go back again and again until I get very comfortable.

My thoughts are not the most cheerful today.
I feel...a heightened sense of awareness that my husband replaced me and hasn't looked back.
I worry that he is not dealing with this properly, and I also worry that he is trying to change the financial arrangements, the secrurity of which has made it possible for me to not spiral into black depression.
I mean, money is low on my list of priorities in life, but it sure is nice to be able to feed the kids and drive a dependable car and live in a nice little house.
I fear his resentment is growing and his commitment to being "fair" is slipping.
I fear he is hiding money and lying about stuff.

He's probably just mad that I'm not suffering.

I refuse to be eaten up by worries.
I will continue to look for a job so that I feel less dependent on him and more in control of my own future!
I need to decide in the next couple of days whether I can pay for school or not.
I am applying for financial aid, but it's too late for this semester.
Welcome to reality, Lisa.
It's a little scary at times, but mostly I am excited to be a part of the world again.

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