Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I started a post once with:

"I am in Maine
I am in pain
I want to fall
in love
again."

....I am in Maine, but I am not in pain
because I have.
I have fallen in love for the last time.
I have found my true love, my soul mate.

But, as usual, I am angst-ridden and poem filled.
So, yay for THAT.
Haha.

Here's what I wrote last night:

I was afraid I might drown
but instead
it seems I am learning the butterfly stroke
which sounds prettier than it looks,
and is stronger than its name implies.
I am stronger than its name implies, too.
...although, somehow...it seems that I protest too much,
like the time Shakespeare said that.
To declare my strength is shouting it to my own deaf ears,
shouting it to a world with only four senses.

I am lost, and I am found.
But I can't stop spinning as I sit so still
hoping no one notices the way my smile has slipped
from the grip
in which I held it so tightly
for so long.

Remind me...
whisper into that part of my mind that holds memories
and tell me that I don't have to prove anything
and I don't have to be
any
one
other than myself.

I am still shedding the baggage I acquired during that ten year stint up the river.
In shackles,
behind bars,
or in pubs, or what have you....
You get the idea, you hear me, you smell what the Rock is Cookin'
...and yes, it might be lobster. :)

Tonight I am home in more ways than I can count.
I am content in more ways than I've ever imagined.
But.
I am, most definitely, at a place called Vertigo--
I know which way is up, but I can't seem to find it;
I know where I am, but I can't find the light switch.
My heart is still so full it aches, but there are moments when I can't breathe--
moments when it all turns upside down and I wonder where I fit in,
wonder how this will play out over a lifetime.
Wonder if I'm enough,
And in all of this wondering...
I forget to remember the most important part:
We are a perfect match,
like two halves of the same whole,
like one plus one equals one
like my heart in his chest
and his thoughts in my head
and I chide myself for forgetting to remember those (most important) things.
Those things which are all that I have sought,
for all the years I've been aware of my heart's design.

Silly girl...
did you also forget, so soon?
Did you forget how much your soul craves a pure outlet?
Ah.
Yes.
Time for a new blog, eh?
Time for a new blog.
Will you ever stick with any blog with the determination and love that you rode like a surfer's paradise on the original?
Prolly not.
But that's ok.

****

I am having fun here, but it's not all fun and games.
Anything that is actually worth having takes some work, so I can dig it.
I would like to get my voice back, minus the guilt.
Good thing there is no guilt allowed in this house of love.
This man is so good and so kind and so accepting.
Also?
Great in bed.
:D