Monday, February 25, 2008

How apt...

I wrote this while at work today,
a palate cleanser...and a palette cleanser...hehehe...

Sometimes I have to purge some poetic residue
Before I can carry
On
With my grinding out of words-for-pay,
Words on parade,
in a monochrome of homogeny,
pictures in grey scale painted by my rainbow-tinged voice.

I must let these words flow out of me
Like letting blood for healing in olden days.

My thoughts all swirl around one man
In a teaming vortex of readiness;
My whole life has been leading me to him
Every step I’ve taken has been down this path
Even when it seemed I was being led away from anything resembling joy.
I want to share every part of my world with him,
And take every part of him into me.
We were made for each other as surely as the stars were made to shine.


And when I got home, I sat down to check my email and my son shouted for me to come see the rainbow--

So I did.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

My life. Rocks.

Tonight?
Idol.
Yes, I worship it, like a fucking golden calf, baby!
Ok, not really...I reserve that level of blasphemic adoration for my car, Pearl Jam, sushi, and sunsets...

This afternoon I made banana bread with chocolate chips for my boys.
It is one of our favorite treats.
We sorta had it (and popcorn) for dinner...in bed, with the Fairly Odd Parents movie...
What?? It was super fun!
I love that show...and they made a movie where the Fairies had a BABY--the first baby fairy in thousands of years, so the bad guys tried to steal it and it couldn't control its magic yet so all sorts of wacky stuff happened.
...good thing I have kids as an excuse to watch cartoons...
Did I mention how fun it was?
Have I ever mentioned that I don't have a TV in my living room?
When I moved in here in September, I was in such a state of joy...
almost as good as how I feel right now, in fact.
I was free for the first time in ten years--
free from oppression, sure, but free to make decisions, free to construct patterns in my life however I wanted, ya know?
I was free to choooooose!
And as I arranged my living room, I saw the perfect spot for my painting...the woman in the winter night, in the form of a tree.
The colors and textures so rich, it fit perfectly as the centerpiece for the room.
And suddenly the idea of putting a television in the same room as that loveliness was repugnant.
So I didn't.
And I haven't regretted it once.
The boys have one in their room, which they rarely use.
I have one in my room, which I use slightly more than rarely.
And the Wii is hooked up to one here in the computer/toy room, the loft.
And I love it.
I love everything about this house, this time around.
Before?
I hated everything about this house...
(except for one thing)
slightly symbolic, don't ya think?
The one thing I loved about it before is the same as my favorite thing about it now: the views.
My mountains hold me close and give me the most gorgeous sunsets and sunrises...my soul is sated by the feast for my eyes.
I don't even feel like the same person who lived here before...
But, sitting in this very spot is where I discovered blogging,
which is where I discovered National Novel Writing Month,
which is how I came to write my first novel,
which is how I found my Self...
I will write another...soon.
My biggest problem as a writer is that I'm too social: I would rather talk to people than invent them.
I need to be forced into solitude again, like when my boys were babies and I was a housewife with no one else to talk to.
That's ok...I'd rather fall in love than write about falling in love.

"I'm glad you like me so much, otherwise I would feel like a total stalker."



Good night, and good love to you all--

Thursday, February 14, 2008

So much to say...

I'm going to hit this typical BHW style and just kamikaze my way through it, ok?
Ok.

We got 6 inches or so of snow last night and after I dropped off the kids I decided to tackle the shoveling.
I will work from home today
(again)
I shovelled and shovelled and then I switched it up and did some left hand-propelled shovels and it was just such a beautiful day!
So then I was heading east on my sidewalk, and I didn't want to stop--
it felt so good!
So I went all the way to my neighbor's driveway,
but I still didn't want to stop.
Her car was parked in the driveway, and ohhh...how easy it would be to just clear a strip behind each tire so she doesn't have to drive through this huge pile of stuff in her little red car.
And then that left such a small patch that I couldn't just leave, so I cleared it all and
Daaaaaaaamn, did that feel good!!!
About halfway through, I thought of a guy who has already begun changing my life, from so far away, and I thought of him plowing his neighbors' driveways and I felt like maybe...
maybe I will be filled up with love again, so that all that I want to give can be given without leaving me feeling desiccated, withered, gasping for air.

This morning I awoke to sweet nothings, in text form...
cupid's arrows themselves could not land with such precision in my heart.
And the last one said something so sweet about my kids and a heartbeat later, Oliver walked into my room and said, "Mom! I didn't buy you a present!"
He was stricken...
I said, "Oh, honey, it's ok, just come give me a hug. I don't need presents."
and he laid down next to me and snuggled up and I couldn't imagine being happier.

And after the shovelling I decided to tackle the downstairs toilet which the kids managed to plug up a couple of days ago...
hey!
I tried to plunger it, but the one in that bathroom is rather ineffectual and kept forgetting to drag the one from my bathroom down there...
(Yes, this is all just the sexiest stuff you've ever read, isn't it??)
So after some manhandling, I had a totally clear bowl, but it was still not flushing right.
I bent down and something caught my eye...
a matchbox-sized cement truck!
Siiiiiiigh.
I don't know if it's been in there since we lived here 3 years ago, or if it got knocked in accidentally, but I thnk they're over that phase...
The toilet happens to be much newer than the rest of the house because when they were 2-3 they started flushing rather large toys down the toilet in that bathroom, causing Noah-esque floods and biblical-style wailing and gnashing of teeth, and eventually it reached the point of no return and had to be replaced.
So who knows.
But it should be working better now.
Oh, yes, that means I got to stick my arm down into a lovely, semi-clean toilet bowl.
Good thing my Valentine is not physically present, eh??
Snort!

Hope you're all having a happy day, whether celebrating or not.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Beautiful nights...

I just went for a walk in the beautiful winter sunshine.
It is in the 40s, feels like spring.

I keep starting and stopping.
Can’t seem to find the right topic—
My thoughts are not scattered, they are lunging in twelve directions at once!
I feel more centered and happy than I have in a long time...
I am Me.
I own myself again...that marriage seems like a book I read once, that woman seems like an old friend.
Utah finally seems like a choice, and because of that I hate it less, but...

This week is going to fly by and then it’ll be time for skiing.
And writing.
There is no reason I shouldn’t get paid giant gobs of money for splattering the images in my head across paper.

I am ready.
For everything.

Ok, so now that my head has cleared (somewhat)...
Can I just take a moment and dwell on the magnificence of the other night?
I looked pretty hot, first of all—black pin-striped pants, grey wife beater, bad-ass belt and bracelet, hair down and wild.
I loved walking into a dance club with “Rock” tattooed on my forehead…
I loved getting lost in the rhythm of the unfamiliar songs,
And I love the DJ for knowing I needed to hear lots of old school stuff and for playing every current dance song I know.
As I drove to the city, I began a conversation and it didn’t fade when I got to the club…
I put my ID and my cash and my lip gloss and keyless clicker in my pocket and hesitated.
I looked at my phone, the flush of flirtation still warm on my cheeks and I was in a white space, a place where there was nothing else to hear or see or want….
The phone giggled and leapt into my other pocket, giving me a suspicious bulge on my hip, ruining the line of my silhouette.
I smiled and locked the car.
This place was cool...a bit of an older crowd so I didn’t have to feel out of place, huge screens all over the top half of the high walls playing videos of the songs.
We went straight to the floor and didn’t stop dancing for hours—
Pausing once for the bathroom,
Once for a tall glass of water.
The whole time my body moved, my eyes stayed on the screen of my phone...
I couldn’t feel the vibrations in my pocket,
But I seemed to pull it out to check every time there was a new message.
And...
Your words.
They trickled into me,
They shivered through me,
They rushed to my head, while the blood flowed south.
My body is a compass and you became my North Star.
The music fell around me like rain, but I was in a patch of sunshine,
lighting up the whole room.
Your words heated up—the pace quickened, like my pulse—
Our bodies connected across the dark expanse of the sleeping country.
My battery came
this
close
to dying...
and then it was time to go the car and I plugged in my charger and handed the keys to dear S and they giggled at me, having a love affair with my phone…
Then we cruised Taco Bell and I got hot sauce all over my keyboard as I willed myself to disappear into that phone and catch a ride on the transmitting signal.

Everyone should have a Friday night like that.

Have a happy Sunday, everyone.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Monday nights are for being...

Just being.

I was going to take a bath
But I got sidetracked by taking sexy pictures
And falling in love with the comfort of my bed,
sideways.
And now I'm listening to the Juno soundtrack....
And I am smiling at the upbeat melancholy of the sounds surrounding me.

Night skiing is a lot like night swimming...
We had shots of whiskey as we rode up the mountain,
we had numb fingers as we rode up the mountain.
I had lines of poetry, somewhere in there--
but I lost them when the stars came out and
I can't find them now (because the sun came out).

Skiing in muted tones, under the big lamps under the small stars--
the snow feels different in the shadows,
the air feels different with no rays of light in it.
And into my ears melt the notes of "Nightswimming"...
I smile, and think, Yeah...
Then I swish
slowly
down the slope...