ya freak.
so my little spot of sun turned quickly to rain today,
and with it went my almost-soaring spirits....
stupid.
I'm actually beginning to consider the possibility that I have depression.
I'm not letting it in, though.
stupid bastard.
I figure, it's kind of like ghosts--
if ya don't believe, then it's not real.
right?
yeah, I know:
wrong.
besides, how can it really be depression when it just comes in brief bursts--
not unlike my sex-drive flare-ups!
hey, I see a pattern!!
maybe I'm bipolar.
sex-fiend/suicidal maniac.
sweet combo.
very punk rock, don't you think?
heh.
ok, ok, I'm being ultra/uber/super dramatic--
and I don't mean any disrespect to anyone suffering from either of the named illnesses.
hell, my Dad's been diagnosed with both of those, alternately, over the past 30 years.
so it's not like i'm really being flippant about it...
anywho.
I'm being an ass.
But I really am getting freaked out by these strange little dips my ole disposition has been taking lately.
I mean what the fuck is that all about???
I swear to god(and budda and allah and zeus) that I was not designed to be this happy--
my psyche is rebelling.
it isn't capable of dealing with this much perfection,
this little discord.
perhaps I should hurry and fuck up my life,
so I have a reason to go on living...
hooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
that's funny shit.
well, I guess going back to college will add enough stress to make me happy.
I'm such a god damned whiner.
but it's still bettter than...
a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
I've forgotten how to type, this week.
I keep hitting completely random keys,
and ending up with mutant, freakish words.
it's creepy.
I saw an auction on ebay
for joie de vivre.
I realized it was mine--
but then I didn't place the winning bid.
so that sucks.
but I'm pretty sure I can get some from wal-mart,
for half the price.
it might smell funny,
or be a different shade of rose colored glass...
but it'll do.
it'll do.
how is it possible to miss people you've never known?
yeah, I don't understand it either, but it happens.
i wish i wasn't so afraid to write the wrong book.
so afraid of being just crazy enough
just selfish enough
just driven enough
to
write the right book.
or.
at least I wish I could stop whining.
but I did...
I just gotta work through this, whatever the fuck it is.
it's like swimming in mud.
or eating when you're already full.
sort of like having a date with destiny that you're late for because you spent too long on your hair, and coudln't find the shoes to match that purse....
thrill me.
chill me.
just don't kill me...
hee
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