i have a bandaid on my left index finger around the tip.

ever tried typing with a protrustion like that??? i don't know why i'ts botyhering me so much, since i'm too lazy to cut my fingernails so they're usually quite long. it is pissing me off though.

I am sooooo excited to see the hubby! I will be picking him up at the airport tonight. woo hoo!! i am such a spoiled brat.

AND he told me that our best friends who moved to ohio are getting really close to moving back. he has a third interview tomorrow and if they offer him the job they'll move back back to utah within the month!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm beginning to believe there's a god after all! (just kidding dude, i never stopped believing in ya!!) but seriously. i have sort of been making peace with the living in utah thing and if this happens, i'll not just be at peace with it--i'll be stoked as hell. (but only cuz i feel so luxuriously trailer trashy using that word...stoked...heh heh.)

it is precious most beloved of all times, NAP TIME. aaaaaahhhhhh.......ooh, and i spent the morning at the beach. have i mentioned that we live a 5 minute drive (on slow winding roads) from the sweetest little sand beach on this stretch of coast? i love my ocean. talk about instant rejeuvenating powers!

kay. i have important phone calls to make. and since i'm dealing with dial up shiiiiiiizzzzz, i am unable to multi-task. also, because of hubby's arrival and the looming reunion (FRIDAY--woo hoo!) i'll probably be scarce around these parts...have fun without me. i'll miss all 4 of you. =)

seriously. i think i've been at a bar every night since i got here. or at least it feels that way. i have discovered magic pants. i am a goddess in them and it has done amazing things for me--the me on the inside. she needs a little soothing from the me on the outside occassionally.

And also, I FOUND IT.

found what?

found what???

yeah, i'm wondering what you found, drunk girl.

my groove thang, baby!!!!! wooooo!!!!!

see, i haven't "gone dancing" in so many years that i was the tin man--just creaky and stiff, besides the fact that i didn't know ANY of the songs they play (rap/hip hop) and that makes all the difference. it's the music that you love that makes you want to shake your ass (and watch yourself...) so, now that i've been out a few times the songs are becoming familiar and i just found it tonight. i mean, i was pretty damn wound up when we got there, and those magic pants. oh those magic pants!!!!! damn. i mean, i may not have my body back but in those pants, and with the right shirt, no one else has to know.

My cousin's son, who i used to BABYSIT was at the bar with his little girlfriend tonight. yes, that means i'm motherfucking old. hey, i was like 13 or 14 and he was like 9 or 10 so it's not that bad, but still. jeeeeez. i wanted to ask him about the other kid i used to babysit, the one i've heard is doing heroin now...but i couldn't do it. i didn't want to know it's true. but i do want to see him. i don't know why i'm so compelled to see him--what the hell am i going to do? single handedly convince him that he has so much potential and there's more to life than shooting up? i doubt it. but at least i could see those haunting eyes again.

faaaaaaaaaaaack. i am trying to wind down. i neeeeeed some sleep. i will have my darling cuddly husband here in my bed in just under 48 hours.......aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh..............i glove him. he's my lobster.

Oh! and i almost forgot!! a barrel chested, gray bearded dude (50 something) asked me for a hug, which i politely declined, but when he admitted that he has two harleys...well, i'm not ashamed to admit i relented. hell, after another drink i probably would have flashed him. i have such a wretched weakness for those throbbing, growling lumps of steel. yum.

Kevynn malone wrote the most sumptuous little piece, and i encourage you all to check it out.

had a very interesting night last night. went to see my friend's little brother play in a band--which was fantastic!! and spent time with some friends who i haven't seen in a long time and it was just really really fun. also, i looked great--which is my favorite thing in the world!! um. what else? oh yeah, the girlfriend of a guy friend of mine was there. she doesn't like me much, but i said hi, etc...actually i ended up rambling about stupid, stupid shit and saying some really dumb stuff about her ex/child custody issues (she was in town to talk to her lawyer about those things) and i felt really silly after. i guess i was nervous and when i'm nervous i always end up kissing too much ass and ending up sounding really idiotic. oh well. don't really care. however, the guy friend is someone i haven't talked to in a couple of months and it made me want to drop him a hello, but i don't think i will. she also spent the whole evening talking to some guy and left there with him, walking all the way down main st (cuz we passed them on our way to denny's for the post show binge fest of greezy food). anyway. doesn't matter. i had sooooo much fun. my friend who has a sailboat was there and he passed along the sad news that his boat is not in the water this year cuz he's been too busy. sad sad. it was good to see him though. and my friend J ended up talking to some ex con dude all night. can't wait to hear the details on THAT!!

me and my 3 hours of sleep are going to head to the beach. I LOVE SAND!!!!!!!

just a quick post tonight.

hmm. that's a strange way to start and now i can't think of something quick to say. Um.

i need some lobster. i've been here for a whole week and nary a lobster in sight. can't sneeze without hitting about 453 lobster fishermen but are they toting the little varmints around, handing them out like candy at a parade? No. and what i'd like to know is WHY THE FUCK NOT??? I mean, really. I'm needy, here, people, come on! I should sit at the wharf and beg...or at least wear a skanky outfit and bat my eyes. that would probably work better. not that i don't have plenty of family who'd chuck some my way if i made a call, but...i don't make calls.

Soooooo.......blah blah blah. Ever heard of MBNA--you probably have at least one of their credit cards...anyway, they have several huge call centers and a corporate office here in Penobscot Bay and everyone complains about them, but they've done nothing but give higher paying jobs to people and pour money into the community--in my hometown for example, they turned the old sardine factory section of the harbor into a beautiful boardwalk with a nice playground and landscaping, etc, not to mention putting in several beautiful buildings in place of some major eye sores and raising the property value for that entire section of town--which made for higher property taxes so the people complained, but let's not forget they could sell for twice what they paid for the damn house! erg. silly folks. anyway, i've always been a strong supporter of the changes they brought. one of their buildings even opened a restaurant and a pub which was the only classy, mature, clean, quiet place to have a beer around here. They chose to close it down a few monthes ago. i now abhor them with the fire and depth of hell. may they all get scurvy and halitosis. (hey, i'm not stupid--i'm not about to mess with my karma by wishing them real harm!)

soooo....

i checked this guy's link because i LOVE that book and, frankly, everything else i've read by god damn it. i just blanked the author's name. how did that happen??? faaaack. and also, while i'm at it (this whole "god damn"ing business) i'm about fucking sick of hitting the god damn windows key all the time. i mean, why do they have to put it there, when they know i have small hands...which is my excuse for being clumsy as a typist. (insert sheepish grin)......JOHN IRVING. good lord. see, i knew if i stopped thinking about it for a minute it would come to me. i'm smarter than myself which is nice sometimes, but annoying as hell at other times....you guys know what i mean. (and by guys, i actually don't mean guys at all. i mean girls.) erg. anyway, my point is, i didn't read much of the site yet, but it looks like it'll be good. this dial up pay by the hour internet crap is just plain freaking weird. and actually having to turn on a computer and wait for it to boot up???? what in the bloody hell is THAT all about??? my parents are hilarious that way. frugal in some truly non sensical ways...and yet Daddy dearest insists on putting the top level of gas in his Caddy (super or premium?) that's some expensive shiz these days, folks! at least it gets good gas mileage (his obsession!!)....aw, it's cute, really.

Saw my half sister the other day. she's hilarious. and i don't mean she should work in comedy. she's more like a walking soap opera and that's just the way she likes it. she's a bit of an exaggerator. she's 45-ish and, honestly looks fantastic, (tall thin dark pretty) and shes' been dating men in their 20's lately which everyone in my highly gossipy family thinks is a huge scandal, but i say--you GO girl! nothin wrong with that!! he he. she's so funny to listen to. everything is, "I kid you not" and stuff....i love it.

well, i'm having a bit of a catharsis, actually. life is good. beautiful, full, sweet. sort of scares me cuz that just means things could go wrong....=) holy cynicism, batman...it's true, though. well, anyway. I have finally made my way out of a dark tunnel of unhappiness, bitterness, and continuous yearning--for something lost, something different...I thinnk I've finally accepted who i am and where i am in life and the good news is--these things are enjoyable, fulfilling. Of course, the catch 22 is this: I was running away when i made the initial plans for this trip, and by the time my departure date arrived I wanted to stay right there in my home. yes, home. i think i'm ready to brush that pesty "utah sucks" chip off my shoulder--yikes!! big step, my friends, big step. so many figurative lights have been coming on in my head in the past couple of weeks that i'm beginning to get headaches. I just finally get it. I finally realized the foolishness of so many things, and the true importance of others. I'll leave it as ambiguously as that. =) i seriously love my life right now. I spent the first few days wanting to go home, and wondering what the hell i was thinking, by leaving my life behind for a whole month but it's good. My whole perspective has changed. It's crazy. I'm really sort of tripping out over this. I mean, I was in a huge depression for two years and i didn't ever really know it but now that it's over I do know it and I can't believe how great it feels to be me again. woo hoo!

so enough of that deep shiiiiiit. i wish i had time to really spend quality time writing right now. work on my book, or start a new one. i finally understand the concept of someone who has that perpetual novel going...yet to be completed, etc....ah, who cares? I'll write when i want to write and if i get published, great. and if not, oh well, cuz i will enjoy the hell out of writing fiction and journals for the rest of my days. started a hand written journal again. just on a whim i grabbed the pretty one my mom bought me at christmas (her way of reminding me how much i loved journal keeping) and brought it along. it was the perfect thing. cuz, here i go to bed alone so i can write. that's when i write in my journal, and i don't know how to do it any other time, but it sure as hell fire doesn't work when you're sharing a bed with MY husband (right girls?) besides the fact that it's harder to let loose when i know it's highly probable that he could read it.....

Well, I'm here. It is pretty muggy and hot, dashed with a bit of rain, but hey, that's okay by me. We've already hit the beach and three different playgrounds, so i'm keeping the boys all tuckered out.

Did the bar thing last night and had fun, even if i didn't see anyone i knew. went with a good friend who's up from Florida. yadda yadda. it's starting to lose its appeal in a major way, but I'm sure i'll find plenty of other things to do. Small towns are great, but sort of hilarious. everyone seems to be stagnating here...well, not everyone, but the people who go to bars sure are. they still dress the same as they did 15 years ago, same hair, etc. and that's fun to watch. my friend thinks people here are hostile, and i came to the conclusion that people who are like that are not happy with who they are, not comfortable. i dunno.

so the flight went okay. sucked shit, frankly, but it's over so i'm trying not to think about it...except that everyone keeps asking me how it went!!! oh well.

gonna go sailing soon, maybe fit in some kayaking...so many people to see!!!! loving it! i just wish i had a good (read: cheap) babysitter here so i could ditch the kids more. =( there are sooo many things i'd like to do that they can't or shouldn't do or whatever. i haven't had lobster yet. i'm jonesin' people!!! i'm sure i'll end up getting my fill, but so far, nothing. ONe of the guys in my class who is a lobster fisherman is married to a girl from our class and they are bringing lobster sandwiches to the pot luck---can you say hello to Lisa's new best friends? yum. i'm going to eat 4,000 of them!! my mouth is quite literally watering, just from talking abou tit. oops. i think i'll leave that typo cuz it's so damn cute.

well here we are. this is my last night in my own house, my own bed. it's strange...as excited as i am for this trip, i'm also feeling very homesick for my husband and house already! trust me, that's a good thing based on how i was feeling when i originally booked the trip. I am ready to go, though. every last detail accounted for. oops. except i left my camera at my brother's house on Sunday and i haven't retrieved it yet. dammit. i could always buy a disposable when i get there, but i love my digital........dammit. well, everything but that is taken care of. and i have some great entertainment for the kidlets on the plane...and snacks of interesting varieties....keep breathing. it'll be fine. also, my carry on is the size of a small RV. lord have mercy on my shoulders. it weighs about 435.6 pounds too. erg. The good--no GREAT--news is that my sweet lil Dad has agreed to let me drive his Cadillac while I'm there!!! which spares me from being stuck with a green metro with two doors, no AC, no power locks....yes, i'm spoiled. but thank goodness my parents are the ones who started it so they're prepared to carry on the tradition!! it has a CD player, too. the only drawback is no eating in the car but i'll adjust...that's such a time saver with the midgets, but it'll be okay.

I can't believe I'm going to see people so soon!! My dear, lifelong friends. It'll be good. It'll feel too good, in fact, like it always does...and I'll have a hard time leaving. I belong there. I fit there. Here? Naaaah, not so much. Besides that, two of my only close friends here are going to be gone (for good!!)when i get back. fuck that. I hate this place enough without being abandoned. =) do you like my drama?

Okay, wish me (and mostly the other passengers on my flight) good luck. It'll probably be a couple of days before I post again, but it's hard to tell. I'm even bringing this stupid laptop so that's another reason my carryon has to be so big and heavy. stupid airline employees--why can't they just NOT steal things????? okay, so a laptop wouldn't survive all that jostling anyway, but still. i had 50 CD's stolen from checked luggage once. as well as several of my sexiest bras. cocksuckers.

what a weekend. Monday's are generally my favorite day of the week because all is quiet again. and today is a very special monday--it's the boys' birthday!! I can't believe they're 3. and i can't believe i only have today and tomorrow to finish preparing for my trip!!!!

Saw The Italian Job last night. It was good, not great. definitely enjoyed it, but it wasn't really that creative of a story.

Had an great poker night on SAturday. drank a whole bottle of wine by myself, which is always nice.

Had the kookiest dream about being on a reality show where there are a bunch of girls living together/voting people off, etc and spending time with (hee heee, i'm giggling at the thought!!) the musicians from the concert i went to the other night!!!!!!!!! HILARIOUS! And i was sooo jealous of this girl because she got to kiss that guitarist i've grown so fond of...and also there was some time spent in high school, with--of course--people i went to high school with, because that's on my mind too. What have i told you before? my dreams are so predictable.

dammit. just erased some shit. but fortunately it was just shit. kay. better go get started on my monstrous to do list.

oh my gosh oh my gosh!!!!! you will never, in a MILLION years guess where I went last night.

never.

I'll give you a hint.

it was a concert.

it was at our brand spankin new amphitheater (outdoor venues are the only way to go).

it was a blast from the past.

and had i but only known that i would be not in the front row, but pressed against the fence thingy with nothing between me and the stage but a couple of security guards.....well, i would've dressed a bit sluttier, that's for sure. and why? cuz it would've been fun. and because as it turns out, there was one damn good reason (i'll let you in on that later).

are you ready???

that's right.

Skid Row (minus Sebastian bach, so kinda what's the point, but the dude sounds just like him and it was pretty good playing)
Vince Neal (minus the rest of Motley Crue)
Poison!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dude.

I mean, seriously!!! it kicked ass. i was whisked back to junior high with the first blast from the amps......

reasons to dress sluttily?

Well, Jason Hook is not only one hell of a guitarist, but as you'll see, he's a bit hot. (moreso up close and personal, trust me)... and i got a guitar pick!!! woo hoo!!! Poor chubby Vince, not so hot. but it was still fucking cool to see every red vein in his bloodshot eyes. "that's fucking Vince Neal!" Motley Crue was my favorite hair band. sigh. Vince actually tossed a pick directly at me, but i can't catch worth a shit so I didn't, but my brother in law did (he ended up with 4 different guys' picks)...

At least Brett is still keeping it together. (sooo hot, want to touch the hiney). Poison put on a pretty good show, with CeCe Deville still bringing it, after all these years...only one bra got thrown, but several pairs of tits were flashed, and there were a couple of sluts on stage, off to the side who kept kissing and the one in the little short skirt kept spreading her legs and flashing her tits...my husband and his brother especially enjoyed that portion of the program....it was the best freakin' time i've had in a long time. just pure fun. met some good, solid mullet wearing working class folk. seriously. where else can a Harvard MBA (the bro in law) share the same exhilaration as a dude who's excitedly asking the security guards how he could get a job like that....as in, the security guard's job...good stuff. 7 dollar beers, skanky chicks, mullet men. how can you beat that?? And the best part is, we walked up to the first scalper we saw and he had 6 tickets all in a row (dudes usually have singles) and they were in the tenth row. yes, yes. i know who was performing. it's not like it was, uh, who's popular now? um, brittney the slut, or, um damn, i'm old. i can only think of bands that aren't very popular because they're too old....er....well, you get the picture. anyway, those were the closest seats i'd ever had, and from there it was easy to just slide on up to the stage. super sweet. which is WHY i was regretting my cute but conservative outfit. i mean jeez. i tried on this slutty little shirt that gives me some amazing cleavage, but i decided against it because i figured we'd be in the back somewhere and who cares if you look slutty for that? oh yeah, and AS IF IT WOULD HAVE MATTERED!!! i mean, who am i kidding???? it's not like i was gonna get picked to go backstage and even if by some bizarre fluke i did, it's not like i would have known what the fuck to do. which is why i didn't dress like that to begin with (in other words, i'm so far from being in the frame of mind where such things could occur) and it's also why they would have never picked me--no matter how great i was looking. they know what to look for...that look of pure sexuality in the eye...and i'm just a content little housewife....what a bizarre lifestyle they live.

OOOOH! and the best part is that bro in law brought his cell phone which just happens to be one of those nifty little camera phones!! so he got some pretty cool pictures of the hot guitarist for me and i would imagine some others that i don't give a shit about because he was the hottest. seriously. he was stationed right in front of me for the most part, i mean they did the trading places, wandering around shit somewhat but his home base was right in front of me. yum. also, this brings to mind something someone once said.....i am fuckiing pathetic!!!

oh baby love that starz free preview weekend on my dish!! just stumbled upon About a Boy, which has to be one of my all time favorite movies and then, as it ended i checked the guide and you'll never guess what just started.. Lord of the Rings--Fellowship. so i'll have that on in the background as i do all my other stuff, and i can steal glimpses of The Elf...........it's a good day to be alive. even if it is going to be over 100 degrees again today. blah. it was 108 yesterday. faaack. did i sign up for this??? oh yeah, let's not forget the warm winters. AND the fact that my house and cars are air conditioned, so who really gives a shit??? well, except that i really like going OUTside in the summer, magine that...oh well. i can go marinate in the kids pool...oh goodness, our little Frodo just got whisked off on horseback by Liv Tyler, so i better go get ready for my first look at the beautiful one.......ride, girlie ride!!

crazy crazy amounts of things to do before leaving for my 5 weeks in Maine. faaaaaaack. half of which is fun, but still adds pressure because it takes time. why didn't i schedule my flight for a week later??? clearly i wasn't thinking...clearly. har.

talked to two great friends yesterday. Got one of them excited enough about the reunion to demand that I scour the internet for a cheap enough ticket that she can fly home for it!!! I wish i would have known how interested she was, because i could have talked to her about it a lot sooner. oh well. and the other friend is the friend who made me feel like shit last time i visited, but i sort of in a subtle way got that off my chest....

I would like to say something witty right now, but if i had something witty to say i wouldn't be talking about it, now would i? too much to do today. better get started. i love being busy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, i saw Pirates of the Carribean last night. And maybe i'm a lame old follower, but i freaking LOVED it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! besides the fact that the two leading men are two of my favorites to look at, listen to, touch...er, wait, not that last part (what with the restraining order and all...) it was really enjoyable. and like i said in my comment, waaaaaaaaay too little sex. i know, i know. it's disney. it's pg 13. but why? they could easily have thrown in some steamy love scenes and slapped an R on there and then i would've had the theater to myself because here in mormon ville even adults don't watch R rated movies. silliness.

Before the movie starts, before the previews start, they show those little movie trivia thingies and they flashed one about Collin Farrel. first of all. i just had an orgasm from typing his name. he is a steamy love scene in a can. anyway, he has this rep for being a party boy and now it all makes sense: he's an Aries. also, could explain why i'm more attracted to him than any other celebrity. when i was single, i went on a run of dating Aries men. i kept wondering why it was such torture (but soooooo worth it!!!!) and i stumbled across one of those which sign should you date sort of thingies and it said in flashing neon: geminis and aries do not mix well. and some other stuff explaining why, which i've mostly forgotten cuz it was at least 6 years ago, and who cares, etc. kay. forget what i said. i just checked out the aries gemini hookup on that site i just linked and it's singing a different song than whatever i read way back when. hmmm...could this mean astrology is a crock of shit? nah. i refuse to believe that. even if it's true.

speaking of my fetish for high school boys...ahem...here's one who writes a blog i like (the blog not the boy, please--i'm married now, and besides, it was kind of cool to date a 17 year old when i was 21 but now it would just be a little icky. that's a good story, though, i'll tell ya sometime. long hair, pot smokin, guitar playin god damn aries. )

dude. 5 more days in this dear little home of mine which i love and hate at the same time. and then i'll be so far east of the mississippi that they call pennsylvannia "out west"!!! (whereas here people have the fucking nerve to consider ohio as "back east"???)

soooo....one week from tomorrow is blast off. i have an army of butterflies in my stomach...but i'm trying to ignore them. anyway, whether the flight is hell on wings or gives me a peaceful easy feeling, it'll be over in under 5 hours, so i need to just quit worrying. 5 hours is nothing. that's like, not even a full day of work...that's watching 2 or 3 movies...that's nothing. ooh! and i just found out that our airport DOES have a blockbuster so i'll rent one of those t-rific little DVD players and maybe my kids will actually watch a movie since they won't be able to get out of their car seats. my kids are usually too intent on exploring to sit down and be bothered to watch a movie. which is fine with me--i know it just means they're smarter than all of your couch potato kids out there. ha ha . more like--just means they have ADD or something!!!

and at least I'll be in Boston when I land. Boston.....ahhhh.........a little smile gurgles across my face just saying the word....talk about a peaceful easy feeling--home sweet home, baby! I just wish my husband was going with us. 5 weeks is a long time to not get any action. I'm sure he'll excuse any indescretions based on this. snort.*

And of course i'm now seiged with panic attacks based on the class reunion i so haughtily took over prepartion for. I just wish I wasn't alone. There are so many things to do and decide. oh well. speaking of which, i better haul ass over to classmates.com and send out an email invitation to all the folks there. i had to sign up again. that place pisses me off, so i shouldn't link them, but i'm too lazy to go back and delete it. they started out really cool and useful but now they're pretty much worthless unless you join for 35 bucks or whatever. which isn't bad, it's just that if people don't join they can't really get much use out of the site anymore and it used to be better. okay, so that was fairly redundant, but whatever. fuck yourself if you don't like it. actually, fuck yourself if you'd like to--be my guest. it's always a nice way to spend a quiet afternoon, although not nearly as nice as spending it with the pool boy or the lawn boy.


*NOTE: "snort" indicates that the previous comment was dripping with sarcasm.

i just found two wonderful new blogs, which both make me chide myself for putting so little into this....read between the lines--they kick my ass! =) oh well, at least i can read and enjoy them. the first i actually found on another website and it is some phenomenal fiction writing. i only briefly browsed there, and the first few entries were quotes, but after that it seemed to be original. anyway the other one is just really interesting to me, and i will definitely read more of it when i get a minute. got it form the fresh blogs list. i always scan that for interesting titles when i log in.

time to get the kiddies up. i could almost get used to this nice quiet start to the day which comes with getting up before the twin tornados...

i know, i know! what am i doing up (and functioning!!) at 7 am? welll, let me just tell you. phone rang at 6:45 and i thought, "who the FUCK would be calling me at this hour??" because everyone who knows me knows that would be unwise. so the next thought to pop into my head was that was my sister calling to say she'd had her baby and my impulse was to scramble for the phone, but then the realist in me reminded me to keep my cozy ass right where it was because my phone is in the kitchen and it's physically impossible for me to reach it before voice mail kicks in unless i haul ass from the first hint of a ring. soooo....i tried to go back to sleep, without success, of course--curiosity gnawing at me like a half starved alley cat who stumbles on some rotten fish....so, i got up and checked the caller id. it was a Maine number, with a vaguely familiar look to it...cobwebs clearing...oh yeah, that's my friend T. she must have gotten her reunion invite which held a personal note to her telling her when i'd be in town, etc. good job, T.--don't worry about silly things like time zones. 6:45. i'm sorry, but that's just sick. and now i'm awake. i guess i'll call her back in a few minutes and make fun of her for calling so early.

i'm finally putting together this gorgeous shirt that i cut out a month or two ago. it's so much easier than i thought it would be...just like everything! and it's beautiful. i hope i didn't just jinx myself. i think i'm going to have to trim a little off before i sew the sides together because i'm smaller than i was when i measured for the pattern. i will be a good seamstress someday i will i will....

got a nice little sunburn today on the farmer part of my farmer tan. this is a good thing. didn't look as bad in my swimsuit as i expected either. although i did come across some pictures of me in my bikini the year i got married (5 years ago--eeeek) which were taken to memorialize my chicken pox (yes, i had the pox at 23!!) but the point is that DAMN. i used to have the cutest figure. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i'm posting that to the god damn fridge to keep me from ever opening it again!!!!! better than hopelessly comparing mysself to half starved, 8 feet tall models, eh?

well, i've been out cruising the blog world, looking for some fresh meat. speaking of meat, we had a little bbq thang with some friends last night and we made the best steaks i've ever made. i love cows. anywho. i found this guy who i am digging. I also found a few really angry folks, and it reminded me that there is still racism and that people still have to deal with it in very real ways--on the receiving end--every day. It's something i tend not to think about because for me personally it's not an issue. i judge people based on their character and it's strange to think that not everyone does that. I mean, sure, i make appearance based judgements--is that guy hot? is that girl prettier/skinner/better dressed than i am? but not, "damn, look at the shape of her eyes. i must be better than her." what??? okay, that was my off the cuff racial shit for today. and let's just say for the record that being a pasty white woman who grew up in maine and now lives in utah hasn't opened me up to a lot of racial tension on either side of the coin.

I can't believe how many people are blogging today...guess that just proves there are plenty of non-americans on here and once again i've shown myself to be the typically egocentric american. oh well.

I think my Licky Licky highway cruisin' friend is back on. (scroll to april 27 entry) She can't seem to make up her mind who she wants to be sleeping with, but hey--whatever. It's her life, right? but it's getting a little old...

My husband just announced that he is part of a (top secret) plan that'll make us millionaires in a couple of years. i should be excited, right? welll, it's definitely a mixed reaction on my part. i feel like it's a big "if"....i mean, the dude behind it is a fucking genius who has proven that we can trust him to make this happen. but if it doesn't happen that means we will have stayed in god damn motherfucking cock sucking Utah for another unnecessary 2 or 3 years. oh well. i guess if i got to move out of here i'd have so little to bitch about that life might really get boring. and old superjudge would probably have to slit both our wrists from the sheer misery of it because as it is I'm so boring he can barely keep his eyes open long enough to read more than one post. poor guy. he's so lonely he keeps coming to a site he loathes....awww....maybe he needs a hug--or my foot up his cranky little ass.

well, what do you know? it's Independence Day again! That means only ten days until my litter's birthday. that reminds me. there are two people i can blame for my twin pregnancy--besides my husband and myself, because really what fun is that??? first there's my mom. isn't everythi.ng our parents' fault? but seriously--whenever i would babysit for 2 or 3 or 4 kids when i was a young teenager and come home exhausted and frustrated and say, "how do people do it? how can they handle having more than one child? there's so much to do!" she would say soothingly, as is her wont, "Lisa, remember, they come one at a time, so you have a chance to get to know each one before another one is born." they come one at a time, do they, MOM??? (insert picture of me miltantly flipping off the sweetest woman on earth). Thanks for the jinx, lady. and the other person i'd like to thank, i mean BLAME is my friend becky. when i told her i was preggers she brought me a card with a dog feeding it's litter on the front and the inside said "hope you drop a litter! congratulations!" well thanks. really. she actually knew i was having twins before i did, if you can believe THAT shit. she saw them on the ultra sound monitor (went for one at 8 weeks because i'd had irregular periods so we had no way of guessing my due date) and the nurse chick didn't tell me about it until ten minutes later when i was dressed. guess she thought it would be better for me to pee my pants than to pee all over the table....and i did squeal rather loudly. anywho. just reflecting on the glory days--which were full of joyful anticipation instead of exhaustion.....nah, life is good. my little rugrats are at the best stage yet. speak of the devils, they're needing me. happy fireworks and parade day, everyone!!!!!!!

dude. lovin paradise hotel. guilty pleasure of the summer....well, besides klondike bars...what i wouldn't do for a fucking klondike bar....aaahhhh....just kidding, there's a whole pack in my freezer and there are many things i wouldn't do for one. there's only one thing i would do for one, actually. and that is get off my fat ass and open the freeezer.

anyway. i think therefore i am. har. look who's philosophical tonight.

i think i'm getting nervous about the reunion because i feel like i'm gaining weight with every breath. and i'm making really stupid choices--like today i took the boys to McD's and did i refrain from partaking? hell no. stupid stupid girl. i really am obsessed, i think. I wish I didn't care so much, but I do. I am afraid of being in the category of "skinny girls who got fat" from high school, you know? I just want one of those miracle diet thingys to actually work. i have 4 weeks to lose ten pounds. you would think i could frigging manage that, but since it took 48 weeks to lose 25 pounds...I'm not counting on it! well, maybe i can actually diet over the next month, instead of just wishing....hm...very interesting....i'll keep you posted. not a bad plan, really. a diet, you say? what a novel idea.

I'm tired. I seriously can't wait to go to Maine, but i'm really annoyed about the timing of it all. One of my best friends is in town for most of the summer, but her husband is only here for 3 weeks and he arrives about 5 days before I leave....they were our date couple, you know? so i haven't spent much time with her, because our pattern was to go out as couples. so, i'll miss out on that. AND my dearest friend, who happens to be my sister in alw, is moving to oregon and will most likely be leaving either within days of when i leave, OR sometime later, while i'm gone. so i may miss out on spending a bit more time with her. besides the fact that if i was going to maine later and we were having hte reunion later i'd (can you guess?) have more time to lose weight. yes, i know. i'm fucking pathetic. blah. oh well. my mom is the greatest woman alive and i get to spend lots of time with her this summer. last summer she was working two jobs (her school job overlaps her summer job by a few weeks on either end) so i barely saw her at all. my dad is great with the kids though, so that was a help. anyway, it's gonna be great. my brother is going to take us to an island on his boat and we're going to ccamp there. i'll let you know how insane i was to attempt that, after the fact. =)

i'm still tired. soooooooooo..........i guess i'll go the fuck to bed.

soooooo.........do i have anything to say today? mmm....well, i've been having yummy, kooky dreams lately. Had a cool dream the night before last about a hot young man i know who turned into Oralndo Bloom (as Legolas) and it was soft and sweet and yummmmmmy. no, folks, not a sex dream. just nice. Last night i dreamed about a friend who i have lost, and it reminded me that i don't ever like it when friendships fizzle. BUT when it's a male-female friendship, it's usually doomed because of the whole "when harry met sally" theory...so i wasn't actually surprised. and really, i wasn't upset at the time, I just knew it was over and i was okay with it. but i think i've started missing him lately. i'm such a sentimental old sap. Anyway. Also dreamed about some random girls from my class who i was never really friends with--the so called "popular" girls who both have pathetic excuses for existences now and i feel sort of bad for them. i never wanted to be them or anything, as is often the case with popular girls, because they were party girl slut types and that was very unappealing to me at the time......i waited until i was 21 to morph into a party girl slut!! well, compared to the sober virgin i had been, at least. anywho. i have mostly fond memories of high school. i was pretty shy in the first year or so, but i always had plenty of friends and a happy home......if i could change anything about high school it would be that i would like to have more confidence and i would--without a DOUBT--sleep with my boyfriend. i know, i know. he'd still end up breaking my heart, and probably it would have been even more severe (if that's even possible!!) but i don't care. out of all the men i've ever loved he's the one i loved the most. out of all the men i've fucked, he's he one i should have. i mean, god, i loved him so thoroughly!! and let me just tell you a story about the chemicals between us!!! but seriously. hot damn. i can still get off just thinking about him, smelling the cologne he used to wear.....time machine, oh time machine, wherefore art thou time machine???? that poor boy wouldn't know what hit him!!!

The reunion plans are coming along....hit a little snag with the place i have reserved for the evening, but i'll deal. i'm starting to look forward to seeing some of my old classmates....and realizing that i don't give a shit about most of them. i mean, really. the people i cared about, i kept in touch with--or had crazy Metalica dreams about them until we finally got back in touch!!!!

whoa--look at the time! i need to be ready to leave in 20 minutes and i ought to shower and make dinner for hubby and bro in law (on a quick trip from Cali) well, hell.