..i'm going nowhere with that, in case you're wondering.
it's just what happened to come out.
do you ever wish i would just stop and think before writing sometimes?
or at least edit out some of the rambling thoughts parts?
if so, sorry, sucks to be you.
i am writing this at night, cuz i plan to have a busy day tomorrow....
but we'll see.
i get sucked in every day...
i iplan to just check the comment box, then i end up checking 43 other blogs, and oh yeah don't forget buzznet.
and then it's almost lunchtime and i haven't gone to the gym yet.
bad, bad girl.
tomorrow it's triceps, back.
and tomorrow night?
please don't make fun of me....
we're going to a friend's house to watch the season finale of The Apprentice.
keep your snickers to yourself.
...unless they're the candybar kind, then you best be sharing!
i'm leaning back in my chair, eyes closed.
deep breath.
i want to feel something and give it to you, in black and whtie.
there's nothing there.
this isn't the right way to write...i guess i should be looking at the screen.
my lips are dry, lip balm downstairs...
my neck is sore.
a yawn.
i want to focus, reach deep inside and offer some small bit of goodness.
like a smooth white, speckled stone from the beach.
warm from the sun.
i want to wrap around you like a silken sheath of mist and be breathed in by you.
your blood oxidized by me, as you exhale the rubble, the unnecessary parts...
which float off again on the wind.
i want to leap up and dance in the clouds, my bare feet tickled by the mist, as i laugh.
i am reaching inside again, into the place that is secret even from my eyes.
moss reaches high up the trunks of hundred year old trees, and squishes beneath my feet.
ferns brush my thigh, frogs croak.
home.
always i dream of home.
this keyboard is a thunderous racket compared to the soft tap of my laptop.
waking the sweet sleeper across the room, waking even me from my attempted trance.
i want to feel everything that there is to feel.
i want to stop being afraid of feeling things.
i want to catch a falling star and breathe life back into it, before tossing it back up.
i want to climb out my window onto my roof and breathe in this fresh mountain air--
i want to breathe it so deeply that i smell the ocean which once covered this land.
i want to dive into the cool waters of a quarry, revelling in the knowledge that eels swim below, waiting for dark.
i want to hear the rumble of a lobster boat engine, smell bait, feel the salty wind.
i laugh at myself now--the dreaming has brought me home again in a few short lines.
home.
this is my home now, but that.
that is my paradise, my eden--the place which will remain perfect and beautiful in my mind.
the place where i have only good memories of innocence and joy.
...conveniently blocking out the rest.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
well, now that i've finished today's therapy, what'll we talk about?
sex?
drugs?
rock and roll?
how bout your mom's ass?
it is so big that---
aw, nevermind.
i like your mom.
i could tell you a secret.
but i don't have any...
i suck at secrets.
i also suck at not posting half or fully naked pictures of myself on buzznet.
it's a serious addiction.
and of course my husband is encouraging me, so that doesn't help.
"sure! why not post this one?"
...uh, honey, that's a close up of my cootch...
"yeah? so?"
he's a bad influence.
what else do i suck at?
lots of things...
i could make a list and be all funny about it, but i think it would be more depressing than funny.
so i won't.
and now all i can think about is finding my damn lip balm, getting a drink of water and going to sleep.
but i do think that Boz came up with the GREATEST sign off line....
so, i'll try it out for a few days, see how it feels.
gotta go--pool boy's here...
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