Bored Housewife

Turmoil

2011-10-15T08:47:00.002-04:00

From the sea, to the mountains and finally back to the sea...
and now?
Without even looking for it, or asking for it,
we are offered a new life in the
middle
of this country.
A new start, a new era.
I feel in my bones that it is the right choice for us,
that it is our destiny,
inevitably rolling along and we are but passengers on this glorious ride.
But my heart is breaking...
I guess no one can have EVERYTHING they want, eh?
True Love?
check
Living in Maine again after all those years of yearning?
check
Having enough money to thrive here?
Nuh-uh.
And I find myself wishing that money didn't matter.
Because I sure as hell know that it doesn't matter as much as my love for this rugged and harsh landscape,
finely detailed with rocks and trees and winding roads that take my breath away every single day.
And I damn sure know that money doesn't hold a candle to the amazing friends and family I have here--the people I've known my whole life, the people I missed for the half of my life that I lived in the desert west and the people I've only been life-long friends with since meeting my True Love.
Living here these 3 years has been an oasis in the journey that is my life, the adventure I get the chance to live!
Instead of being bitter that we couldn't "make it" here,
instead of feeling despair at leaving the full-body warmth that comes with familiarity so deep it's in my bones,
instead of resisting this change that is vital to our survival,
let me rejoice that I had this chance at all!
Let me praise the mysterious ways of the universe around us
for granting me this stay in paradise.
My paradise.
To you paradise might evoke images of white sandy beaches and azure waters, palm trees and cabana boys.
For me, paradise is the rocky coast of Maine--green trees so lush you have to fight them for some land to build a house, water so cold and blue dotted with green tufts of islands on the horizon, lighthouses and lobstermen...
Bearded, gruff men with accents--the backbone of our tiny, glorious coast,
seafood and amazing restaurants,
sailing and skiing...

Shiiiiiit, I'm homesick already.

But yes.
I will try to remember to be grateful for this chance...this chance I had to reassert my roots, to reconnect with those I love, and to wallow in the utter perfection of this landscape!!!

Iowa...get ready.
Cuz I expect to be bored, restless, and still madly in love with my husband!!

Life...

2011-08-25T00:27:00.002-04:00

It really is quite lovely...

I have little bursts of inspiration lately.
But it seems like I am never near a computer.
So, those little bursts pop like bubbles,
and instead, I bury myself deeper in the piles of books inside my Kindle.
I read and read and read and read and read
and pretend that it is as good as writing.
I read and read and read and
pretend that it is more important than watching tv
or playing Angry B!irds.
Pretend that I am superior in my time-wasting choice.
But I'm not.
I'm lazy, too.
Because I should be writing.
i SHOULD be writing.
I picture myself--standing on a skyscraper, grey sky behind, wind whipping my far-longer-than-my-real-hair hair, and I am shouting those words with a wide-open mouth, a mouth far larger and able to open than my own. For, as my dentist says, "If anyone tells you that you have a big mouth, they're wrong." Ha. Funnier than he knows, because I am
such
a talker.
I'm a talk
talk
talktalktalktalktalktalk
er.
Just ask my husband.
He'll tell you...if his voicebox hasn't faded away from lack of use.
I'll tell you, if you ask.
But don't expect a short answer.
Instead,
what you should expect
is
a novel-length,
intricately-detailed
explanation.
I talk so much to make up for all the words I don't write.
Which just seems silly.
Perhaps I should take a vow of silence for a year...
or, like, an hour and a half...
and see how many wonderful and wondrous things I can write.
Probably I would spend all my time IMing with my husband and friends...
instead of delicately constructing the world's next devourable read.
Which I don't think I even know how to do.
But at least
if I keep writing
(every day, they suggest)
then maybe someday...
I'll reach the tipping point--
where my taste and my abilities are in sync.
Or 98 degrees, or whatevs.

Because a great lady recently told me that I am a writer she admires greatly,
and I figure if she's great and she admires me greatly...
well, that's just redundant or, rather, stating the obvious.
But what I meant was that she is amazing and she admires me a wicked lot,
so that reminded me that maybe I should gothefuckahead and make something of myself??
Cuz what the hell?
Why don't I want to HAVE what I want?

Eh. Bleh.

Maybe.........
I'm afraid.
But it's what my beloved Ira Glass said, about taste and talent being out of sync, and he said to just hang in there and keep writing and one day my abilities will catch up with my high expectations of authorship.
Not to imply that he said it to me, personally. It was a clip of an interview that they played on wimp.com.
Rawk.

P.S. Once upon a time I was a badass motherfucker. Just like Samuel L. Jackson. Except really, nothing like him. At all. Except maybe the inclination to use the fuck word, but otherwise, I only know his characters, not his character.

And right now........
I feel like that Lisa you all once knew.
Which makes me believe that some day I will write that book.
And that some day is closer than it sounds.

2011-08-21T09:48:00.005-04:00

Because I'm not crazy.
Because I saw the way she looked at me,
and the way you talked to her before you noticed that I noticed.
Because she kept looking at me,
with that look of disbelief on her face,
with a trace of smugness.
She believed that you were flirting with her,
and she believed that I didn't know how serious you were.
She didn't know that you are madly in love with me.
Because that isn't what you showed her.
Even if you just think she's fun to talk to,
you don't realize that by giving a girl like that attention,
you are giving her hope,
you are giving her reason to believe that you desire her--
and that you are giving me reason to believe that you desire her.
And I bite my tongue, because we've had this conversation too many times.
But I am not overreacting, and I want to screeeeeam at you!
I want to shake you, until you understand that this is what's happening,
and that it hurts me,
and that it awakens from their slumber the team of stone masons who lie dormant in the space between my skin and my soul, and they dust off their tools and they quietly yet swiftly build another layer in their onion-like border around my tender places...for I cannot bear to let my love for you draw open the entrances to my heart and soul like curtains, if pain like this is hovering so close.

And just writing this sends those just-stirring masons back to sleep, and my wall remains at its current dimensions...for now.

Inspiration vs. Perspiration

2011-08-18T22:00:00.002-04:00

I have been getting little flashes of inspiration lately...
But, alas, the perspiration is winning!
It has been a weirdly hot summer, and
I have been weirdly unable to stand the heat.
I've never been one to revel in the sweaty, humid weather or to enjoy baking under the dry sun, but this summer, I feel like I've gone to a different place with my heat aversion altogether.
I loathe the heat.
It cripples me.
It wraps me in its soggy, heavy arms and sucks me down
down
down...
into the rabbit hole of foggy mind and droopy eyelids.
My brain refuses to think quickly or sharply,
and mostly just sends out messages to the rest of my body, "Sleep...sleep..."
And so.
It's been a fast, busy, slow, empty summer...
Weeeeeird.
Also, my newest pet peeve of the Text Age:
people who elongate words in order to show emphasis, but do it by adding extra consonants, or other letters that have little to do with how one might pronounce that word in an emphatic fashion.
For example, "Duuuuuuude!" works for me.
While, "DDDDDDDDDDDDude!" doesn't really say much.
Or, "I llllllllovvvvvvveeeeeee you!" just sorta looks...well...STOOOOPID.
But, "I looooooooooooooove you!" kinda says something.
Am I nuts?
Or too eccentric?

And also, while I'm ranting about things that show my literary superiority, whilst writing goofily myself, let me just remark upon self-publishing of books.
I'm a huge supporter of this trend, by the way, but here's a suggestion:
If you're going to publish something and present it as a finished work?
Try some light editing, a smidge of proofreading, perhaps?
It really just makes reading so much more delightful.
Also, if the story could be SLIGHTLY interesting, that would help, too.

So.
Yeah.
I'm pretty stoked that summer is almost over.
I know...I'm probably the only one!!
But that means the leaves will change, and got-down-sat-on-a-bench, I loves me some fiiiine (see?) New England autumn weather!!
It's downright delicious.
We will go pick apples, and go for hikes.
We will continue to kayak and bike ride.
And then?
Before you know it!!!
It'll be time for Pie Night and Thanksgiving and my new skis will be ready for me, and the snow will fall and it will be time for skiiiiiiii-ing!!
And. Yeah.
I guess I'm kind of a fan of winter.
Not that I don't enjoy the hell out of summer, too, but...I hate the heat.
I love the rain and the snow and the cool and the cold.
I love boots and coats and snowshoeing!

Ok...I'll return from my happy winter wonderland fantasy and go lie on my bed with three fans blasting me and hope that I can sleep through the night.

Also, I think my whole point of writing this was to whine about the fact that I keep being struck by inspiration, only to end up at my computer with nothing to say. But of course, I never have "nothing" to say...I just happen to not be in the mood to write the fiction that has been rattling around in my brain cave. C'est la vie.

Oh, digital age, why have you let me down?

2011-08-05T09:34:00.002-04:00

For three years, my Blackberry and I have been very happy together. We have laughed, played, worked, planned, and remembered together. My Blackberry has been part of the tapestry, weaving together my True Love and I, as we shared love notes with each other every day, and stayed in close contact even when apart. My Blackberry was able to call all of my dearest friends and family with the touch of ONE button, and I was able to type in texts, reminders, and grocery lists with the speed and agility of an Olympic athlete.

Why did I forsake this beautiful artist's tool? Why did I think the bells and whistles of a touch-screen android would be BETTER?? I even waited until the one I wanted offered a slide-out keyboard, so that I could avoid the touch-screen typing that had always looked so painfully slow to me. My brain is not wired for this. I am not able to think slowly enough to type as slowly as this new "phone" makes me. The typing needs to be second-nature, so that my thoughts can flow freely and quickly, but this new monstrosity is so laborious that I forget what I was going to say before I even get it half typed! And forget about proper punctuation...it is SOOOO hard to fix mistakes or add punctuation that any speed gained by Swype technology is utterly lost. I hate this "phone," this abomination of communication! This communication abomination. That's what I'll call it. I may have to have my Blackberry reactivated. I will give it a few more days...but I have never felt so utterly hobbled, so completely bound-and-gagged. I feel like I'm living in a foreign country where I don't know the language or anyone who speaks my own.

Fuck Droid.

Awesome Blog Alert!!

2011-07-19T10:21:00.002-04:00

If you liked the Bored Housewife, I believe you'll LOVE my friend's blog: Joy Ride on the Short Bus

She is funny and uberly intelligent and actually she's almost as superlatively funny as she is smart...maybe moreso...hard to quantify. The point is, she is nailing this whole blog thing, so I recommend you check her out. Especially if you're single. wink-wink.

In other news, my kids are back from their summer visit with their Dad, and I am fairly glowing with joy. So nice to have a full house again.

In other other news, I am on a roll with neck injuries lately, and I don't find it very humorous. Someone rear-ended me, giving me a weekend's worth of whiplash, then a few days later I fell down some porch steps and wrecked myself pretty good, causing some mamor misalignment o' the spinal region, then yesterday while driving to Boston I managed to tweak my neck.....and it hurts like a mo'fo'! A mo'fo' who is in great pain!
Oh well.

At least I have my kiddos home. :)
And we are now a three-Kindle family....better make it four, before too long or there may be anarchy. Yay for reading!!!!

Poems, or the muck rattling around in my brain cave

2011-06-30T20:29:00.003-04:00

Because maybe
what I need
is to purge my inner thoughts and feelings and all that
jazz.

Because maybe
even though life is beautiful
sometimes there are things in it that aren’t.
like being a child of divorce,
suddenly
and rather unexpectedly
at the age of 36.
Wondering if I’m as selfish as my
selfish
selfish
selfish
father
because I already know I’m like him
in some less-than-flattering ways
and I don’t
want
to be.
And maybe it's more fair to say,
also,
that he is kind and good-hearted,
but right now,
it's the selfish that really
sorta
stands out.

And maybe sometimes
it makes me too sad even to cry
if I think about my mother
left
alone
at her age.
73.
She should have been widowed, not abandoned.
but
of course
I don’t mean to say
that I would prefer my father had died,
But.
It would have been sad in very different ways.
And he has still left her.
Left all of us.
Because he’s not planning to come back
from California.
Who could blame him?
(Well, besides my sister and I?)

I am angry at him
and I am angry
and I am ANGRY!!!!!!!
The font doesn’t grow large or red enough for me to express the depth and breadth and inexplicable fieriness of my anger.
He
could have stayed
should have left sooner
would not have made her happy if he had stayed, anyway...
But she was happy.
She is content and sure and grace-filled.
She didn’t need him, ever
and maybe that’s why...
He wasn’t able to stay.

***********************

Twin Fever

I am obsessed with
immersed in
riveted by—
the videos of my boys as toddlers.
I lose myself for long chunks of minutes
inside these scenes from my past.
I listen to myself narrate the video,
giggling at their antics,
(myself in stereo:
laughing then, laughing now),
the love I felt for them palpable,
visible in their shining dark eyes.
The love is still here, of course,
but it’s easier to gush over toddlers than tweeners.
They fight it far less.
Watching their first steps,
their first words,
their first, toddling wrestling match...
I want to live inside those moments,
indeed, it feels like time travel.
I want to bury my face in the soft skin between chubby cheeks and tender necks.
I want to lift them onto my hips,
two at a time, like I did then.
Ten years have passed in the blink of an eye;
those just-walking babies will be 11 next week.
Those 4-pound preemies are now each 5’ 1” tall.
They are smart and funny and are
just
about
to
turn into People.
It astounds me.
They astound me.
Those soft little cheeks and giggles and rounded words.
They are everything.

****************************

A seagull stole my mango yesterday
From the deck of my sailboat
as we rocked in the salty air.

I leapt to the dock
and chased him down.

I got my mango back.

I think I'm ashamed of being a blogger drop-out...

2011-05-13T21:27:00.001-04:00

Kind of like how I dropped out of college--
just sort of got caught up in new currents,
ya know?
Wandered away...
And the guilt! Oh, the guilt!
I miss blogging all the time,
but I know that so many of my dear bloggy companions
are as long gone as I am.
Which makes a return far less enticing.
Besides the fact that I am not
connected-like-Keaneau-in-the-Matrix to it anymore.
It was certainly an addiction for a while there.
Woven into the fabric of my daily life,
like oxygen and cat hair.
Oh wait, that's NOW.
Well, the cat hair infiltrating every aspect of my life, at least...
But I digress.

Maybe when I get a little more distance,
I'll be able to write a book about the two lives I lived.
The first marriage, and the second.
The way I rebelled against Utah and felt trapped in my uncomfortably-fitting marriage vs. the way I settle-with-deep-contentment into Maine and glory in every moment I get to spend with my True Love....ahem...yes, well, now you remember why I haven't been blogging, right? Hehe...
Yes, I've settled into Real Life, but he's still, like...dreeeamy...it's like he's oxygen and cat hair to me! Wait...what?
Seriously...I live and breathe this guy.
Three years we've been together, and he still gives me butterflies,
I still CAN'T WAIT for him to get home from work every day,
and send him love notes all day...
So, anywho.
Where was I?
Cuz now I'm just sitting here smiling into the blue...

Have a lovely weekend, kids.

Friction Fiction

2010-11-13T15:43:00.000-05:00

And, no...I don't mean that in the dirtiest of ways,
like in the old days.
I just like the sound of it.
And I feel like writing a story...
And if you see yourself between the lines, don't be too flattered--
there are pieces of everyone I meet, scattered through my writing like chunks of flesh mixed with rich, dark earth...human compost!! Haha!!

Julia didn't so much step into a room as rush into a room--not because she was in a hurry, but in the manner of a river rushing through a suddenly opened dam. The wildness of her once-natural-now-bleached blonde mane was the outward projection of the inner friction between her serious, inquisitive nature and her rampant desire to constantly be pushing her physical limits. She wrangled horses, castrated pigs, shot and cleaned deer, elk, moose; she shoed horses and ran dogsleds. She was a woman in a man's world and the fire in her pale green eyes was half laughter half stubborn determination. But none of that even entered the awareness of the patrons of that dingy, small town bar as her presence gushed through the creaking wooden door. Whether smiling or scowling, she lit up a room and all eyes naturally found their way to her.

"Hey, Willy. Gimme an herbal tea, wouldja? Fucking fence." She tossed a pair of well worn leather gloves onto the bar and took off her heavy sheepskin jacket, dropping it over the chair back on the bar stool. She yanked the clip from her hair and tousseled it, then tucked part of it back again.

Sitting quietly at the bar, at ease with the world and with himself, was Eric. He was the son of a Senator and had grown up in DC. He had never really had to make his own way in life, caught in the steady flow of money and priveleg, but with college a couple graduation a few years past his rearview mirror, he was starting to feel the need to push beyond the trust funds and private school life and become a part of the raw, often painful "real world." He chatted amiably with the bartender, and alternated between watching the football games on the various TVs and reading chunks of text from a book on the history of economics in America.

She hadn't yet noticed him, and of all the people in the bar, he had probably taken the least notice of her. And then...

"Football? Aw, fuck football, Willy. Can we change one of these to something a little less...ya know, caveman-esque?" She sort of rolled her eyes, and laughed--just a hint of the room-filling laugh she was famous for.

"I'm watching that." A quiet, steady voice; not arguing, just stating a fact.

She almost didn't hear him, then turned, with a serious look on her face to investigate the source of the voice. What she saw was a man of wiry build, not too tall, with blue eyes nearly as big as the Montana sky she had just stepped away from. He had lashes like a girl, and a mop of almost-curls, joined by a fresh-looking beard.

"You're watching all 4 games?" She was suddenly aggressive, and took a step nearer to him.

He was startled, but not intimidated. "I am. And reading this book."

"Impressive." She flopped down in the stool that stood between them and put her feet in his lap. "Whatcha readin?"

Her heavy, mud-clad work boots left a smudge across his leg and dropped suspiciously manure-like chunks of mud all over his lap and the floor.

He smiled at her--not just any smile, a warm, genuine smile--and said, "Get the fuck off me." He paused a beat, then added, "Please."

She laughed, this time the full, hearty laugh of hers that everyone who's ever met her could pick out of a crowd, even after many years: a whooping, guffawing laugh that makes even mourners chuckle. She drew back her feet, brushed off his lap and stood, planting her hands on his shoulders and bringing her face so close they were almost touching. His heart skipped a beat…and a half. She smelled like rain and wind and fire—not smoke, fire. He felt himself being sucked into her and he leaned into it.

Their noses bumped and she laughed again. "Pardonez moi.” With a smooth, sleight of hand type motion, she slid the book from the bar behind her up against her back and stepped away from him. She tossed him a taunting smile before she plunked down beside him again, this time with her feet on the stool on the other side of her, so her back was facing him.

Eric sat stunned for a moment. Who was this girl? This woman? She was a ball of energy—fully controlled, but sizzling under the surface like a raw electric current.

His heart was racing now, and he knew he was engaged in some sort of game, but he didn't know the rules or the strategy or even, really who the players were. Because, obviously, he didn't know her, and in this context he suddenly felt unfamiliar with even himself.

*******

Dammit, Ok, I know I've done this before: This feels like the start of something, but now I'm distracted, done for the moment. I always promise to come back, to write more, but it usually doesn't happen. And when it does...somehow the story never really feels the same, or goes anywhere. Fuckin fuck.

National Novel Writing Wha--??

2010-11-13T15:42:00.000-05:00

So, I'm kinda firing up the writing kiln again, and it feels
grrrrrrrrrrrrr
ate!

I can't remember if I posted the story I wrote for my creative writing class on here, but I submitted it in revised form and I feel like it's starting to shape up.
I would love to turn it into a book.
Shrug.

Also, some friends and I came up with a friggin sweet idea for a children's book--photographs by my lovely lanky husband v2.0, story by moi, moi-meme et je!

Plus, I picked up a fun little pre-Christmas gig at my friend's artisan jewelry store/gallery, which will usher me into ski season!! For which I'm duly stoked. Skiing! Woot! Also, Zumba-ing my friggin' heart out lately and exercise always makes me feel invincible---powerful, strong, happy!
So, yeah.
Life.
Rocks.

Now if only I could grow the stones to email or worse, call, my ex and ask him to negotiate on some financial/travel matters for the kiddos....
Guh.
Thanks, but, I'd rather have a speculum shoved up my inflamed urethra!
(believe me, not as fun as it sounds!)
(and did I actually spell "speculum" wrong, or does blogger just not have it on file?)

Ok, in honor of the impending ski season, here is a poem I jotted out today in 10 minutes in class. It is done in the Pantoum format, which basically means that lines 2 and 4 from the first stanza become lines 1 and 3 of the following stanza, and so on...also, they are 4-line stanzas.

Hit it.

Ski Season

The chairlift sways
Up I go
The wind cuts through me
Up and up

Up I go
So I can come down
Up and up
So slow, so cold.

I will come down
so fast and then--
slow and cold
I'll go back up.

So fast I swish
from left to right
Slow and cold
From bottom to top.

From left to right
I zig and zag
From bottom to top
I slowly ride up.

I zig and zag
down the slope
I slowly ride up
til the light fades out.

Ok, so I departed from the exact format a bit here and there, but I LOVED writing with such circular, repetitious flow!
I will do revisions on this one, definitely.
The theme fits the format very well, don't you think?
The textbook describes this format is something that makes you revisit an idea and skiing is just that--round and round, suffering through the slow crawl to the top, so you can race down the snow!
I will spice up my language choices to give better visuals and tighten up some of the places where a line seems too long.
Mostly, it was fun.
It was maybe the first time I felt the thrill of the Math that is the invisible structure of poetry...

Ok, if you have any time left, here is my revision of that story, which I have now confirmed I did NOT yet post here:

They stood with throngs of people moving around them in at least two directions, his hands slipping on the handles of the heavy duffel bag in one hand, wilting tickets in another. He stood before her, agitated but tongue-tied.

“Grand Central Station.” He paused, eyes flickering over their surroundings. “We’re a walking cliché.” He attempted a smile, but it came out more like a grimace.

“Nothing about this is cliché,” she said. He nodded, mouth forming a straight line.

“So what do we do next?”

“We already talked about that. Nothing.”

“Yeah.” He paused, opened his mouth, then closed it again, handing her the duffel.

“Don’t forget to write?”

She sighed, snatched the tickets from his dangling arm. “Enough with the clichés.” Her tired eyes had hardened, willing him to stay out—far outside of her. She was not only in a hurry to get onto her train, she was in a hurry to not be seen with him; it wouldn’t do anything for her reputation to be seen with a civilian, especially one so young.

She glanced at the clock, the ticket. Her body shifted almost imperceptibly away from him, the precursor to a step.

“Don’t go.”

“Jim.” A sigh, laced with impatience.

“Stay.”

“Jim. We decided.”

“I want to un¬-decide, then! I want to—I want to…” He swallowed hard, and started to back away. He was angry, ready to fight for her, ready to beg, but the look on her face stopped him cold. Time passed like a fun-house mirror, each second a lifetime.

He said her name softly, then.

“Rachael.” Like a prayer, or a wish made on a falling star.

She turned away from him, willing herself to melt into the swarm of uniformed bodies making their way with purpose around them. She pressed forward, every step feeling like the future engulfing her, when an arm reached through the shield of bodies and stopped her progress. Again she found herself face to face with the boy she had pretended to love.

“Ok, Jimmy. Ok. Say your piece, but then, really. I have to go or I’ll miss my train.”
He looked defeated then, maybe realizing for the first time that it truly was ending. She would leave, and he would go back to being a lonely boy in a city full of people who didn’t understand him.

She hadn’t understood him, either, but he had interpreted her silence as a warm blanket of soft security enveloping him, instead of the brick wall hiding her true feelings that it really was. Rachael had needed a few weeks to recharge her batteries before heading back into the battlefield and it was just pure luck that they stumbled across each other. He had a private dorm room, and she had been looking for a place to hide from the world, from its ugliness and its heavy demands on her. She was only five years older than Jimmy, but she had thoroughly used up those five years—military training and rapid advancement in this time of unprecedented war. It was as though the whole planet was caving in on itself, each country viciously trying to consume each other country in its path toward the sky.

“Take me with you!” He nearly shouted the words, his eyes widening in disbelief at his own impulsiveness.

Rachael stepped back, sharply glancing around. This isn’t happening, she thought. “Jimmy…you know it doesn’t work like that. You know that can’t happen.”

“But I—I—” She knew which nefarious ‘L-word’ was on the tip of his tongue and she had to act fast.

She braced herself, so she wouldn’t roll her eyes or employ a sarcastic tone. “Jimmy, I will never forget you.” She was so convincingly sincere that she almost believed herself. I should be an actress instead of a soldier, she thought. She kissed him once, lightly, on the neck and ran her fingers across his childishly stubble-covered cheek and turned away again, this time forcing herself to move as though with regret.

Some romantic notion in the boy was satisfied. The tension left his body and his shoulders slumped. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. Even though he was forlorn, his perception of the world remained intact and he was free to move forward through his own life. She had changed him forever, but would forget him as easily as stepping through a door onto a train.

“Captain Moralez.” The nearest soldier saluted her and a hush fell as she stood before the sea of anxious faces.

“At ease, soldiers. We have a long ride ahead. Let’s all just get some rest and I’ll have orders for you at oh-six-hundred.”

Rachael took her seat and pulled out a notebook and a stack of maps. She already knew how unlikely it would be that any of them would make it through the next attack, but until she had different orders, they would proceed with the original plan.

Some thoughts.

2010-08-25T16:31:00.002-04:00

Cuz.......
what else is a good rainy day for?
For stewing and spewing thoughts

"Moral disapproval alone is an improper basis on which to deny
rights." --Judge Walker.
Hell yeah, gay marriage opponents!!
Eat that!
I had a good conversation via email with a group of friends when this first passed, but I'm on a rant again, because I just found this quote from the
judge who overturned Prop 8 and I LOVE it!!!!
I mean, if you don't believe in gay marriage, then...
uh...MARRY SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
Duh.
And I think if any particular pastor or priest or clergy-type folk doesn't want to perform a marriage for two fellas (or two ladies), then they certainly have the right not to do so...I mean, a Catholic Priest wouldn't be required to marry ME because I am not remotely Catholic, so same idea, right??
Each denomination has its own little set of rules for who gets to be married under their auspices, so like, whatever.
Hell, Mormons don't even allow family members to attend weddings in their temples unless if they don't meet very strict criteria! (although, according to several close friends, they don't seem to weed out the child molesters any better than the catholics...)

Yip.
I'm fully rant-tastic.
Actually, I think I'm experiencing a sugar high.
Aaaaand, I'm super bored.
It's raining like you wouldn't believe.

I should have all sorts of things to say, and maybe I will.
Wouldn't that be nifty, neato, and keen if I started blogging again???
I wish I could get in the groove.
That would ROCK.

Heat is not my friend

2010-07-17T11:35:00.002-04:00

I prefer a cold, rainy day
or a snowy day
any day
over this heavy, humid heat.
Could it be worse?
Sure.
Do some places get hotter than this for a very long time?
Uh-huh.
But guess what?
There are only like, THREE frigging air conditioners in the entire state of Maine.
Also?
Some days I have to sit on a dock, with the sun reflecting up off the water and under my not-as-shady-as-it-could-be umbrella.
On a hard bench, with crap poking me in the shoulder blades.
And on the days that I'm not out there, I am in a stuffy little shop, with one small fan and no cross breeze.
Waaaaah, poor me.
But fer chrissakes!!
It's torture.
And I am waaaay too old for this shit.
And I need to complain somewhere, so this is the place.
My apologies if you're reading this.
Perhaps it would help if my body wasn't staging a revolt against me, and would start doing its job.
Don't worry, I'm not going to go into detail, but let's just say...some of my organs aren't really up to par and it makes me dehydrate easily AND gives me nausea.
Maybe I can transplant my brain (and my rack) to a brand new body.
Something with stamina, and skin that tans instead of burns...
Oooo, I'll keep my hair, too.

Wow.
I guess I shouldn't blog grumpy.
Oh, time to go get some work done...
yuck.
(that means I have to step away from my fan and run to the dock, climb down into the ship, and run back...upload some pictures, then run back to the dock and run back to the store....that's an awful lot of quick movements for girl like me on a day like this.)

Through the rabbit hole, I fell...

2010-05-27T21:29:00.002-04:00

And here I stand.
In my own Wonder(ful) Land.
My feet are propped on the sewing machine under my desk, and I can glance over my right shoulder to the tall, cool drink a' water I am blessed to be married to.
His eyes twinkle and his face just makes me happy.
Just seeing his face, smiling at me?
Melts any other mood away from me like a torch to a film of frost on a fall morning.
I can't stop stealing glances, actually.
What euphoria, what dreamy bliss I feel when I am reminded that my soul is entwined with his and that he loves me the way that I craved to be loved...and that I love him back with all the force that was welling up inside me for so many years.

See?
This is why I don't blog much anymore......
what a sap!
What a cheese ball!
What a silly, swoony girl.

Also, I've been guzzling sweet tea all day and I'm afraid I mayn't be able to sleep tonight.

A sweet southern girl taught me The Way to make it and I gotta say.....
I'm impressed.
It is fabulously delicious.
Lip-smackingly delicious.
And it might be constipating me.
But whatevs.
I could use a bit of that, for a change.
(You do NOT want to know. Trust me.)

In a few weeks my little (giantly tall and very nearly 10) boys will be heading to Utard for the bulk of the summer!
I am terrified, yet.....ahem...breathlessly excited.
Not that I really feel like I need one, but...ya know...the idea of being OFF DUTY is quite tantalizing.
Plus, it's looking like I'll be escorting them out there and spending a week in the Promised Land.
Will be cool.
A friend's first baby will have just been born; I will make time for Moab this time; and I will soak up the awesomeness of my brothers and their families.
And maybe I can hack into the HR department where my husband works and give him an extra week of vacation time so he can come with me this time...sniff-sniff...

Meanwhile?
My career aspirations are all over the chart and stalled out, as usual.
I wish there was therapy for THAT.

Please universe, show me the way.
I just want to know where I belong.

Feels like summer, summertime...

2010-05-25T22:05:00.002-04:00

But we still have a few weeks of school left.
Sooooo hot today and yesterday.
Today?
Lake.
With a few great friends from growing up.
Lots of chatting and laughing.
It made me so happy.
It made me want to do that every week.
It was beautiful there...
and I clocked it; only 11 minutes from my house.
Not
too
shabby.
And while we were there,
The Love texted to say he stumbled upon a writing opportunity for me.
That man is my lucky charm.

Then home to gather children and prep dinner and off to a neverending baseball game.
I am so sleepy from the sun and warmth....
it was a good day.

So hot.
And so hungry before dinner that now dinner sits angrily in my belly.
Shouting up at me for making it wait so long.
Sorry, egg rolls.
You know I love making you almost as much as I love eating you...
it was out of my hands...the innings crawled by as the sun refused to set, until finally they both crashed to the close at once.

Maine is not for sissies.

I like to write because...

2010-05-22T22:08:00.000-04:00

It makes me feel alive.
It makes me feel sexy and vital and REAL.
It makes me feel edgy and like I'm outside the rest of society--
and I like it there.
It is sometimes cold and dark, with distant stars less distant, because I am cradled by the arms of outer space.
Sometimes...
it is sizzling hot, so that my feet cannot land long in one place, and I move through the bed of coals that I chose with the delight of a child over discovering Willy Wonka's fabulous factory.
What I can't stand is when it feels like breathing beige and drinking unflavored gelatin.
But really?
What have I written that was gooood?
Besides all my thoughts on writing or life or whatever.
I have no reason to believe I can write a book or a screenplay that will be worth anyone's time.
But.
I still plan to.
(insert evil grin)

Once upon a time....
there was a girl
who thought her whole destiny rested in her ability to spin words
but really?
She has dishes to wash and kids to feed (so she can get them out the door on time for their baseball game)
she has to sit on a dock and smile and make small talk and hope that some of these darling people want to buy tickets to go for a 2 hour sail on an exquisite wooden schooner in the breathtakingly beautiful bay.
And she worries all the time about how she doesn't feel well enough to exercise and it's making her fatter and fatter and fatter and she still loves to bake and it's making her fatter and fatter and fatter and if it doesn't stop soon she will weigh as much as her husband and then she feels so sick that she doesn't want to eat and she hopes that will be enough to make her lose some weight, but really she has lost hope because apparently she has no control over whether or not she loses weight because in reality she has spent periods of several months at a time exercising fairly vigorously and changing her eating habits and only gained more weight and her doctor says it's because her intestines aren't doing their job but that just seems like a sick joke because if she has an intestinal disorder of some kind SHOULDN'T THAT MAKE HER LOSE WEIGHT, FOR CHRIST'S FUCKLESS SAKE?????????????????????????

yeah.
Well.
Riting is gud.
Let me tap back into my Malone-y/Bukowski-y vein o' endless writing that feels like it matters even if it doesn't.
Misery can't be the only thing that makes me creative.
Fuck.

With pretty words echoing in my mind...

2010-03-09T15:50:00.002-05:00

The lilting, clear voice of a friend's daughter
singing a John Denver classic.
I find the words an apt accompaniment to my presence here.
Except I don't live in West Virginia...ha.
I think I drove through part of it once, on the way from Pittsburgh to a hidden corner of Maryland.
Anyway....the point is that country roads do take me home, every day I'm here, living in the quiet, curvy land at the end of the earth.

I am finally at peace, and for a long time that has meant my desire to write was dormant, ignored, unnecessary.
Spring is midway through springing upon us, and it is causing creativity and desire to surge through my veins.
Desire for sleep, that is.
The pollen gums up my eyes and I fight of a cold or allergies that feel very allergenic, but my mind is vibrant like a whole box full of half-used tubes of acrylic paints and that is why I think it is not allergies, allergies which clog the arteries of my cerebral cortex, allergies which deaden the synapses which connect the pathways of my grey lumpy mass of intercranial coral.
Oh, "intercranial" isn't a word, blogger? Tsk-tsk.

The ponds and lakes are melting so fast it makes me doubt that it was February mere days ago.

Sigh. So much for that lovely moment. One of the kids' teachers just called to tell me he's been skipping homework.......

Wedded Bliss

2009-09-26T12:04:00.002-04:00

Yup, I'm drownin' in it!

Here is the rundown, as written to a friend earlier today.
Well, in his world it was written sometime tomorrow afternoon.
Or something.

The wedding weekend was sweet perfection from start to finish.

At the rehearsal, Michael slipped a diamond ring onto my finger and won the
Most Romantic Gesture of All Times award. It was a complete surprise
and just took my breath away. We had wedding bands, but had decided to
wait on the diamond until we could better afford it. But he knew it
was important to me and he made it happen! It is a family heirloom,
his great grandmother's ring, and it is absolutely beautiful. Then we
went and had a fun and relaxing dinner with all the rehearsal
participants and family, and went our separate ways for Bachelor and
Bachelorette parties. My girls helped me put 52 miniature blueberry
pies into bakery boxes and tie ribbons around them, while enjoying a
drink or two, and then we headed to a bar with karaoke. My cousin
signed me up for "Like a Virgin" and I resisted, but we ended up
having a blast. She posted some pictures of me and of the wedding, so
if you go to my photos on facebook, you should be able to find them in
that section of "Photos other people posted of you" or whatever it's
called.

Then the big day! I woke up at 6am even though my alarm was set for
8:30...ugh....went to bed at 1:30, and could have used a few more
winks!! Oh well...I was excited! So, we scrambled around and got
tables set up and centerpieces arranged, and then I got my hair done.
I don't know why I bothered. I mean, it looked quite nice, but no one
else can make my hair look the way I want it to look. Oh well. Then
off to have my make up put on by beautiful Mary, who was the link
between Michael and I initially, and to collect the flowers that she
picked from her garden and arranged into bouquets and boutonnieres and
corsages and whatnot. And into the dress and off we went! It was a
whirlwind, and we were....aaallllmost late...And when I arrived at the
beach, my favorite brother was there to walk me through the woods--a
lush, green, winding path at the edge of the ocean--it felt like a
fairy tale! We were little white riding hood and her merry party--my
maid of honor and her two little sweet girls as flower girls. As we
began to walk, I heard distant music and I almost worried. I assumed
it was some jerk, drinking beer and listening to his boombox, but my
brother said, No, it's a party and they're pretty serious. This didn't
allay my fears, but when I rounded a bend, I saw long hair and flowing
robes and the flag of Israel! It was the Feast of Trumpets,
celebrating Rosh Hashanah! As I walked past the clearing where they
celebrated, they quieted and blew a horn, speaking to me--wishing me
peace and god's blessing! It was so unspeakably beautiful! I felt so
uplifted and like the universe was smiling down, giving me a big sign
of approval--as if I had any doubts. :) And then I arrived at the
edge of my wedding spot. I could see the crowd of people fanned out
across the rocks and it flooded me with peace and smiles! So many
people there, full of love for us! And then the bagpiper started up
and my brother escorted me across the unstable rocks and handed me off
to Max and Oliver, who each took one elbow and walked me down the
aisle, denoted by crepe paper held down by rocks. We walked across the
path of flower petals left by the darling girls ahead of us and then
the boys handed me off to Michael. We couldn't stop smiling. As the
officiant put his bagpipes away, we grinned at each other and nearly
bounced with anticipation. Ken spoke, words of wisdom in his rumbling
bass voice, and we had to resist kissing every time he said something
we particularly agreed with--somehow it didn't seem right to kiss
before he gave his pronouncement that we may, but we also are used to
kissing as punctuation for happy things, so it was an exercise in
restraint. And then we each pulled out our Blackberries and read from
them our vows. Afterward, everyone said how beautiful they were and
even the officiant said he had some more prepared material, but didn't
find it necessary as our words were so complete and well-done. Yay. :)
So then we exchanged rings, and kissed and walked back to the other
edge of the rocks where we greeted our guests as they filed past, and
then posed for pictures. The reception was fun and the food was
great--the cake was beyond amazing. So mouth-wateringly delicious that
I would crawl inside it and live there just so I could eat my way
out.... We got to visit briefly with each guest and there were
toasts--Abbey's was SO BEAUTIFUL! She talked about knowing me from
childhood and that she had watched me look for a love like Michael for
most of the 30 years we've known each other, and that she was so glad
that I had found him. Really sweet--I'll have to ask her if she wrote
it down, cuz I want a copy! We danced some and ate some and my Mom and
my sister worked SO HARD, and so many of our friends and family worked
so hard. I am humbly grateful to them.

We had a room reserved in Augusta, our state capital, which is about
45 minutes away from us, but we stuck around to help clean up (I
couldn't feel good about leaving the work to our friends and family
who had worked so hard all day to make it a beautiful day) and by the
time we got home, we were BEAT. We decided to pass on the drive to
just sleep in a bed that couldn't be as comfortable as ours. And then
we were able to get up in the morning and open presents with all the
kids and just be surrounded by the love and joy of our family! It was
AWESOME. So glad we did it that way. And my brother who was visiting
from Utah was still in town, so we went to my Mom's to have left over
wedding food (for me: crab alfredo and bread and salad and
caaaaaaaaaaaake!!!) and visit with him. SO glad I did that, too. And
Michael went to help his friends load up all the tables and chairs we
had rented and borrowed and returned them to their proper locations
and then we said goodbye to my boys (at my parents') and dropped his
boys at their Mom's and loaded up the car for our trip to Boston and
hit the road. At 4:45 I logged in to my school website to let my
professor know that I wasn't going to make the 5pm deadline for a
paper, only to discover that she has a bad (possibly H1N1) flu and our
assignment would be pushed off for a week!!!! Hooray for me!! (sucky
for her).

And on Monday we got up and rode the subway into the city, had amazing
delicious Indian and Thai food, then went to the New England Aquarium
and looked at all the swimmy things--sharks and seahorses and seals
and whatnot. Very nice. And then back to the hotel, naps, and on to
U2!!!! When we arrived at the ticket window, they couldn't find our
tickets, so I started looked through my email for the confirmation
letter and it said that I MUST print out my tickets and that this
email wouldn't grant me admission and I started to panic and Michael
almost scolded me, and they still couldn't find our tickets, but
thennnnn, the nice lady found my tickets and explained that I had paid
a dollar extra to save myself the trouble of coming to the ticket
window but voila, here are my tickets! PHEW. I almost peed my pants.
And then we found our seats and they were good enough, though not
close enough, never close enough. Snow Patrol was great, and U2 was
astounding! They put on such a great show and every song was beautiful
and we loved every second of it.

And then Tuesday we wandered through bookstores and a mall, enjoying
the time and another delicious meal and putting off our Return to
Reality, but looking forward to seeing the kids anyway.

Maybe I'll get to see some pictures soon and I can post those when I have them.
Yay fun!!

Oh...and did I mention yet?
That this man is the one I was made for, the one I was looking for, searching for, aching for.
He is as crazy in love with me as I am with him, and he is always patient, kind and loving with me.
He lets me be a little crazy when I need to be and just keeps on loving me more and more each day.
My feet don't even touch the ground anymore, I'm so filled with love I float.
So.
There.

Home Sweet Home

2009-06-13T18:00:00.002-04:00

After a year, I am still happy that I chose to move home!
In fact, I feel more at peace than I have in many years. I love it here.
The other day, I saw one of my good friends walking along a main street of our Town (as in, "I'm going to town, do you need anything?" because...yes...this is country livin'!) and I stopped and chatted a bit and it was SO FREAKING COOL!
It's an adjustment, though, to be in a place again where everyone knows everyone.
Going to the store in my pajamas used to be acceptable, because, hey--no one'll ever see me again!
Buuuut...that's not exactly the case here, is it?
I love it, though.

A few days ago, I ran into my "first" at the toy store.
Haven't seen him in 13 years, haven't thought about him in...12 years and 11 and a half months.
Or so.
Poor fella.
(We dated all summer and were technically still "together" for the whole next school year while each of us returned to our respective universities, but that was just sort of a convenient way for me to explain my lack of dating while at school...god, I hated BYU!!!!!)
Anyway, it was nice to see him.
He was shopping with his super cute daughter and he looked like he was happy.
My Love was with me and I introduced them, asked fewer "what have you been up to" questions than I wanted answered, and we parted.
I felt oddly nervous and simultaneously oddly detached.
Shrug.
So then this morning when Love got home from work, he said, "So...wanna know yet another way in which we are connected?"
He went on to tell me that the aforementioned dude's name had sounded familiar and that last night while working the face attached to that name appeared in his head.
A teenaged face.
The face of an old girlfriend's younger brother!!!
Ha!
So....yeah.
We compared impressions of their parents and her smoking (bad breath) and his tobacco chewing (ew) and how we both felt like they were not our type at the time.
It was kiiiinda hilarious.
We lay in bed, faces inches apart, giggling.

...and have I mentioned yet today how completely, entirely, mind-blowingly in love I am with this fella???
yeah.
We're pretty damn happy.
And I am grateful to all the gods that be, for that.
The gods and Mary.
No...not the Virgin--ha!
She's no virgin!
But she introduced us, she was the gateway.
And that dear little schmoo is planting and harvesting and sharing flowers from her garden to deck the fuck out of our wedding!
Sheesh.
I'm going to have to thank her in a big way for contributing the flowers, the groom...
ya know, a couple of the more important ingredients in a good wedding.
Hehe!

I am SO excited for our wedding!!
Now...gods of generosity, could I ask one more favor?
Take away the extra weight I'm luggin' around.
I don't need it anymore!
That's right, universe, you can have it back.
Thanks for letting me borrow it--it came in real handy in surviving the tough winter and setting up a new home, and whatnot, but I'm all set.
Thanks bunches!

Oh My GAAAAWD!!

2009-06-11T13:15:00.001-04:00

Ok, so I have this friend, and I'm not giving any hints cuz she wants to remain anonymous (at least for now), but she is a frigging GENIOUS!!!!
She started a website, with a big dream and I would love nothing more than to see her succeed.
For just one dollar you could help her reach an amazing and beautiful goal. Check it out:
The Internet Begging Experiment
(She taught me how to write html tags, and I just used one!! Oops, that was a hint. But I can't imagine anyone here knows her. Dammit, that was another hint!! I'm shutting up now...)

Today was strange...

2009-06-02T22:03:00.002-04:00

I woke up heavily, groggily
and spent ten minutes getting my kids dressed and out the door,
then grabbed an armful of cook books
and got back in bed with the intention of browsing them for new recipes.
(my repertoire could use a little spice-up!)
Which reminds me--
I have this paranoia that has developed recently that women who cook with great variety also...are endlessly creative in the bedroom.
I wonder about that sometimes.
I have, at times, considered myself to be...ahem...highly adventurous and generally terrific in bed.
But I still wonder.
Because I'm often quite stale in the kitchen.
Buuuuut....that's because I like to cook things I don't have to think about or prepare for--because I'm spontaneous and unpredictable.
Which goes over well in the bedroom (or the bathroom, or the walk-in closet...that one is convenient for weekend afternoons...).
Wow, I got sooooooo sidetracked!!
Ok, so this morning I climbed back in bed.
And I placed those books on His side of the bed and I snuggled back in and considered
resting
my
eyes...
for just a brief moment.
And 3 hours later, after sad, unsettling dreams,
I woke, peed, and got back in bed.
I was still so tired...
so I slept again, and dreamed nicer things.
I woke up for good at 12:30.
I must be fighting off a cold or something because I never sleep that long.
EVER.
I fell asleep last night at 10, and I usually get up with my kids at 7:30 and stay up all day.
Very bizarre.

So.........yeah. That's the story of today.
Oh, also, I took the kids on a short bike ride.

Hooray for bikes!!

Something smells really nasty.

I'm still kinda foggy.
So I think I'll go to bed.

It smells like gasoline and feet.

It's raining, it's pouring...

2009-05-28T23:25:00.002-04:00

and I'm not yet snoring!

But I should be.
I am sleepy...
And I don't have anything blogable on my mind, just stress type stuff.
But I guess I can push all that aside,
stick it on a shelf somewhere and chat about the rest of my life--the Good Parts.

My Love works nights about the half the time, so tonight it is just me and four cats on this big ole bed.
I can hear peepers outside, and crickets or something.
I love how alive this place is.
This is NOT city living, that's for damn sure!
The country is loud with quiet...
And there are so many stars here it make me wish I could focus my eyes better.
I love it.

I have noticed some subtle but exciting changes in my kids lately.
I think they're growing up!
I think they've reach a new stage in their childhood...they'll be 9 soon, and I just think they're finally in a new realm of maturity and confidence.
I am enjoying this immensely.

This week I made several excellent loaves of bread, and two batches of strawberry freezer jam.
Very satisfying.
Um............
Trying to think of more intersting things, but all that comes to mind are my worries.
I guess that's just how life is.

Instead, here's a story I started writing the other day.
Just sorta rolled off my tongue, but with some editing and a few more pages, it could be a cool little story. Or first chapter to a book.........

She wasn't the only one there with tattoos and cut-offs, but she managed to look the sleaziest. Maybe it was the dark eye makeup, or the unexpectedness of so many lines on the childish face. She had a skinned knee and a hole just under the back pocket of her ill-fitting shorts, but there appeared to be knitting needles sticking out of the lumpy backpack she carried. She had something nondescript sprawled across her lower back, ink stains on skin, but the rose tattoo on her ankle was the final piece of the jumbled timeline. The rose was straight out of the 70s, but this girl's mother was probably too young for a tattoo in the 70s. Her name, obviously, was Crystal. What other name would a girl like this have? The dirt under her fingernails hinted at something, but the cigarette clasped between those fingers was what really drew the eye. She held it like a child holds a crayon, her fist curled around it, shoving it into her rotten, ragged-looking mouth.

The jukebox stopped and in the silence, other senses were sharpened--the grit on the floor could be felt inside shoes, while the scent of stale smoke and unwashed armpits was almost a taste, and made several patrons blink. The silence also left room for the Jimmy the bartender to notice this squalid presence, this aged child.

"You got some ID, junior?"

Crystal swatted the fly that had landed on the back of her cigarette hand. She looked into his grey, drooping eyes and said nothing.

"Look, I gotta see some ID or they'll shut me down. And I can't afford that shit again this month." He braced his hands against the bar, holding his ground.

She sighed and reached into her backpack. She tossed something hat looked like a receipt, or an invoice onto the polished wood stretched out before her.

After his eyes skimmed the paper, Jimmy cocked one eyebrow, smoothed his mustache with one large hand, and gave it back to her. Mostly to himself he said, "Well that explains a lot," shook his head slightly and met her eyes again. "What'll it be?"

She coughed from somewhere deep in her lungs and pointed to the Budweiser sign behind him. "Light," she amended.

"Three bucks." They completed the exchange in silence and she took the bottle to the far corner of the room. Sometime during that slow-motion exchange, the jukebox had started up again, same song as before. There was a dull buzz of conversation, but most people were edging away from Crystal's booth.

Crystal put the bottle to her lips and let the cool crispness wash through her mouth, her scattered thoughts each fighting for center stage. She didn't really want to be here, in a crappy bar full of crappy drunks, each making some version of a crappy judgment of her. She could feel their disapproval, smell their loathing. But she didn't know how she must look to them. She didn't know they could see her life spelled out in the way she walked, the breaths she drew. She lived inside her own head and had very little use for anyone in the outside world. She needed something, though, and she had decided that this might be a place she could find it, or get closer to finding it.

The scene before her seemed convex, with all the people clustered at the center of the warped vision. She sipped at the brown, sweating bottle until the scene stabilized and she was able to see each person separately.

Where am I??

2008-08-25T12:35:00.004-04:00

...I'm pretty sure I'm in Maine.
But the thing is, my whole world has just flip-flopped so it's hard to remember if I'm where I wish I was or where I actually live...until I remember that I
FINALLY
live where I have wished to be for the last 12 years or so!
Bizarre.
But in a decidedly good way.

All my stuff has been crammed into a vast, but already semi-full, garage as well as into the front room/living room of the house.
We arrived Wednesday, all of us within hours of each other.
Love had driven the 40 hours in about 50--meaning he only slept about 10 hours in two solid days of driving--and the kids and I had taken a red eye...meaning we had not had much sleep ourselves.
So, Wednesday saw us going to bed early and leaving the truck in the driveway, virtually untouched.
Love had also transported my mama kitty (who was our new kitten just last fall!) and the kitten my boys had chosen from her litter--gotta post some pictures, those two are beautiful calicos who are as identical as my boys!
Haha!
Anyway...Thursday we acted like human vacuum cleaners and sucked all my stuff out of that truck and into the aforementioned garge and living room.
Late Thursday night we went to bed satisfied--the truck was empty!
Friday morning we packed the car and the kids and headed for a long weekend of intense fun with a bunch of friends.
Absolute best weekend on record.
Perfect weather, perfect waves, perfect rollercoasters, perfect water slides--perfectly behaved kids!
WHOA.

This week is school shopping and trying to get the house ready for my stuff to find permanent homes.
Next week school starts and we can finish sorting through the physical by products of the collision of our two worlds.

Meanwhile, we got a little more cycling gear so we're both raring to get back in the saddle and we feel compelled to get a little more use out of the kayaks before the season ends...
So how is it that I'm gaining weight????
Whatever.
Stress. I blame stress.
(unfortunately I also gain weight when I'm content, so I guess I should quit looking for a scapegoat and just eat less...)

That was all such a recap version...I feel like it's terribly incomplete.
Like, I didn't tell you that one of the boys got stuck in his seatbelt so I had to CUT IT OFF HIM...grrrr.....
He had been twisting himself around in it so it was his fault, but then the release mechanism wouldn't work, either, so it was the car's fault, too. Heh.
I've ordered a new one and it should be installed next Wednesday.
Made for an interesting roadtrip over the weekend, because of course it was one of the edge belts, not the middle one, so the two (teenage) kids in the regular backseat had to be smooshed right next to each other (my two were in the "way back").
I also didn't tell you about the ridiculous fight I had to get into with the Ex and how cruel his words are and how manipulative he is and how he always ends up getting his way.
But that's just dirty laundry or whatever so who cares?
I'll write more soon.
The best news is that my brother discovered I had a bad video card in my old computer and that is the only reason my monitor wasn't working AND that the computer itself kept shutting down!!!!
So!
I have MY computer back, along with my flatscreen!!
My desk is here, too.
Oh, god, oh god, I can't wait to have this house all set up!!!!!!

Ok, I'm off to do a little school shopping.
I hope the end of summer finds you all well and happy.
Since I'm sucking at this blogging thing, please do feel free to send me an email if you feel like it. (notsoluckystar AT gmail)
Hugs to you all.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

2008-08-17T14:18:00.003-04:00

But I'm not leaving on a jet plane
My STUFF is all headed for Maine--
Gulp!!
I'm just a little freaked out here.
So excited, but also OMYGOD-OMYGOD!!
My Love is driving the truck and I will worry til we're all together again.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Rainy wedding day number 2

2008-08-09T19:33:00.003-04:00

We are at the wedding of a friend of my Love's.
She sold him his house 3 years ago and
This is her 2nd marriage since then.

It is cold and rainy so their beach wedding morphed into a
covered-porch (overlooking the beach) wedding.
Bummer.

I am bored because I don't know anyone here and I am freezing because
I have on strappy heels, a long sexy skirt and the heaviest jacket I
could find which is only a light fleece.
My fingers are growing numb.
I guess the more important issue is that I hope it's not a bad omen
that it rained on both of her wedding days...
It has set me to dreaming about my own wedding..
We are so in love it radiates off us--
I would venture to guess we overshadow the bride and groom.

*****that was yesterday****

We are taking the kids to Seussical the Musical and just waiting for
it to start.
Having so much fun this summer there's hardly time to pee, let alone blog!!!

Lighthouses and ferries-to-islands and beaches and hikes and kayaking!!
You would think, with a list like that, that I would have lost a bunch
of weight, right??
Well...it would sure help if we weren't ALSO eating copious gobs of
fried seafood!
I dunno, man.
I am also still riding my bike nearly every day, since the last time I
wrote and yet
And yet
Here I am, back in my "fat" clothes.
GrrrrrRrrrrrr!
Well...
At least I don't have to question whether my Love will still adore me
if I gain weight! Ha! Question answered.

We will leave in a few days to take my kids to visit their Dad in Utah
and to pack up my furniture and belongings for Love to drive across
the enormous bulk of this country.

He is my rock.
He makes me laugh and swoon and breathe easy.

The play's about to start...
Love and miss you all!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

It's official!

2008-07-28T14:22:00.004-04:00

I am officially moving!
It still sort of feels like a dream, or a non-reality at the very least.
But it is official.
I have notified the Ex,
I have bought return tickets,
I have reserved a portion of a semi from a handy-dandy moving company,
I have...I have...oh, shit, the trampoline! I hope it fits.
I have reserved a rental car for the week we are there, since my car is here
and the distance between there and here is...about 2700 miles which at these prices cost me about $700 in gas just to get out here and flying 3 people costs 800 so why not skip the 4 days of hellish torment, plus hotels and food which would drive the total past $1000 without any trouble??
That's what I thought.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
That was a mixture of relief and exhaustion, in case you're wondering.
This summer has flown by at mach speed and it's not getting any less busy anytime soon.
We have just over two weeks left until the week in Utah and then we'll have another 2 weeks until school starts but as we adults all know, that kinda time is going to pass in the slow blink of two happy eyes.

Happy...
That's an emotion I was pretty far out of touch with for a while.
But I've found it again and even if it is buried beneath a heap of stress and planning right now there is just nooooo frickin way that I'll be taking it for granted any time soon.
I have a second chance at happiness and I will not squander it.
I will not, I will not!

Hoe
Lee
Shit.

Maybe if I say it enough it will begin to sink in:
I am moving HOME.
I get to move home....
finally.
Oh, god, finally!
After all these years of aching for the ocean, yearning for a comprehensible social structure, keening for good seafood and hardworking people where the majority of the people aren't obsessed with appearances and my kids will not face ostracism just for our religious beliefs (or lack thereof...).
Praise jesus, I am HOME!!!

And with this return to New England comes my ability to be near family and friends again who once defined me--who helped shape the best parts of me--and maybe, just maybe, I will find myself again in their reflections.

I have so much to do it's not even funny...
I am so loved it's not even funny.
I am getting in shape again so fast it's not even funny.
And yet...I sure do seem to laugh a lot...hmm...funny.

***********
The sun setting over Megunticook Lake, the kids play with a ridiculously large amount of enthusiasm while J and I lie on towels and hash over our lives with equal zeal.

On my bike ride the other day, when I discovered a GIANT patch of raspberries, the picture of which has been accidentally deleted, but my kick ass helmet still deserves its moment in the sun:

At the end of the woods trail where I found the wild raspberries there is a wide, sloping hill I like to call, "Blueberry Fields Forever"...mostly because it borders an AWESOME, old cemetary....hehee...

I am now on my way out to go kayaking.
I have been biking 5-10 miles a day for the past week, minus one day wherein I hiked instead and one day on which it rained too much...I'm at 6 days out of the last 8.
WOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!
Damn, I love exercise!

Is July really almost over???

2008-07-21T14:21:00.001-04:00

I have so much to say!
And for once…I believe I may have not only the time but the WORDS and a computer!
It’s not connected to the internet, but that is not a problem.
I just need the outlet; I’ll post it when I can.

It has turned muggy;
I guess summer has finally arrived.
I enjoyed the drier, cooler part of the summer up til now, but I’ll take the humidity.
It reminds me with every drop of condensation on my brow that I am
Home.
Home!
I have been struggling with what that means and I’m sure you’ll hear more about it over the next few months, but for now it means I am where I belong and
I am
with
the one I belong…with?
Eh, that was almost as bad as Mike Meyers saying, “Allow myself to introduce….myself?”
Whatevs. You get it.

My love and I were shopping with the boys, to spend some birthday money they had received, and we spent some time at a kitchen store that happened to have a toy section. There were several long shelves packed with model horses and fairies and dragons, etc.
I was giddy over them—overcome with childhood yearning for playing with such things.
I showed him the ones I liked best and giggled and said how much I would have loved them as a child—and that I would play with them Today if I had them.
Several days later, the conversation having been covered with layers and layers of words from our nearly constant stream of dialogue, I saw a bag in his truck from the kitchen store and offered to bring it in for him. I assumed he had gone back for one of the kitchen items we were so taken with but when I mentioned it he blushed a little and said, “I was going to wait for just the right time, but now this is just the right time!” He sprang from his chair and jogged out to the truck. I was curious, but still had no inkling. He began to unroll some tissue paper and out came the Pegasus! I melted. He had remembered well; there were also the male and female fairies that I have named after us, he atop a brown (anatomically correct) stallion and she atop a white unicorn with a dusting of glitter in mane and tail. I can’t stop smiling, even now. And yes, I played with them. They are inspiring to my child’s mind and I will report on their adventures as they happen…

Speaking of adventures, there have been so many since I’ve been here!
Even some of the ones I’ve reported on have been poorly represented because of the inability of my blackberry’s keyboard to accommodate the speed of my thoughts connecting with my fingers.

I have lost more than a few cool ideas for lack of ability to record them, but I’ll do better.
I must remember that I suck like a toothless whore at saving thoughts for later retrieval; poetry is ephemeral.
So far, my Mexican Synthroid seems to be working like the usual, but who knows.
We have been swimming and sailing and kayaking and motorcycling.

We have been eating lobster like kings.
We have been so busy that I would not have had time to blog even if I would’ve had a computer.
I bought a bike yesterday.
Haven’t had one in years!
Am soooo excited to ride it.
(today I bought an ass-lovin' gel seat and a high-quality helmet, after going for my first ass-kickin' ride...ugh...someone got SOOO out of shape!!)

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with navigation.
Odd, since this is where I grew up!
I have a couple of really good excuses for this, however…
First, my home base is slightly askew of where it always has been.
Only a few miles but just enough to really fuck with my head when I’m trying to figure out the quickest route somewhere.
Remember my post about Maine having no straight lines?
Well it’s true.
So I don’t know where I am in relation to where my parents are, as far as North, South, etc., but I always feel like I’m further from town and I’m actually closer to a lot of things.
Very unbalancing.
So I was juuust getting the routes down, when the lovely construction force decided to close down the road I live on.
This road is right off Rt. 1, which is a main thoroughfare.
And now we have to add about 8 miles to every roundtrip we take from here…damn gas prices…AND it brings back in full force the question of “which way’s fastest??”
This road will be closed until November, as they are constructing a whole new bridge.
Feck.
The next problem is that some of the places we go are very obscure and require several turns into places previously uncharted by me at all—and Love takes a different route every time.
Oh well.
I successfully maneuvered to and from his friend’s house yesterday by myself—in from one side of the “mountain” and out another side.
…yes mountain must be in quotes because I’ve just left the Rockies.
Puh-leeez.
These mountains are so old they’re barely even here anymore.
But they sure are beautiful—all green and rolling, like laughter incarnate.

We found a good beach for starfish.

I am going to go shower now and then see if I can’t write me up a good ole press release for my honey.

Beautiful Day!

2008-07-13T13:13:00.003-04:00

It is Sunday and there is a cool breeze swirling through this sunshine!
I am at peace with my world.
It isn't always easy to find peace, even with my Soul Mate at my side--
big decisions, big plans, big changes.

I miss this daily outlet so much.

I have a beautiful little paper journal that I've been using a bit, as the thoughts break the dam and must be let through.
A gift from my Love.
And I just opened it to find a few passages I wrote so that I could share them here, and found the following smile-maker:
"Just so you know,
I don't read anything in here. I just flip up to a random blank page and leave a little note to let you know I love you so much.
Kisses.
7-8-2008"

I am writing right now on someone else's laptop, which has a broken monitor requiring me to turn my head sharply to the right in order to have my eyes on these words I type.
I continually drag my lower thumb across the mouse pad and fuck with my cursor position.
Siiiiiiigh.
Maybe I will not take for granted a conveniently working computer again.
And maybe that means that when I do have a working machine, in a comfortable setup,
that I will write.
And write and write and write.
Maybe.

Ok, here's what I scribbled on 7-7-08
I must write because the words are now ripe, raw, READY--
they have been fermenting, aging, but now it is time for them to be
expunged
expelled
expatriated--
these words that have lived their quiet lives (so far) inside my head are ready to find a new home and live on in print as foreigners in a foreign land--letters in this digital world

Eh.
It could use some p;olish, but then so could be typing skills

I can't take this keyboard anymore.
i have stuff to say but this is pissing me off which makes it hgihly unrelazxing.
feck.

at least i had a flying dream last night

Twinners' birthday tomorrow.
8, if you can believe it!

Crescent Beach

2008-07-09T18:03:00.001-04:00

Sea breezes and solitude.
Could only be better if my Love were here, but
Oddly enough,
I'm just as happy to know that he is spending some quality time with
one of his boys.
"Solitude" refers to the fact that there is only one other small group
on this tiny moon-shaped beach and they are at the other end.

We passed my elementary school on the way here and I saw the tall row
of trees we planted on Arbor day 23 years ago.
Fuckin sweet!

********later

We stopped at that L shaped row of trees on the way back and I hugged
the one I think was mine. How 'bout that fer tarded??

I poured all my fears into a rock and thre it into the sea.

And have I mentioned the birds?
No, not the one that pooped on Shar the other day.
But the ones surrounding this beautiful house.
They sing to me in the cool, misty mornngs
And in the warm, breezy evenings.

Tonight?
Girls Night.
Will I wish for my sweet one the whole time?
Well, YEAH, duuuuuh.
But I will also just drink and laugh with a couple of great friends.
Oh, that reminds me!
Gotta call a couple more.

Adios, amiogs(is it the same plural??)

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Crescent Beach

2008-07-09T18:02:00.001-04:00

We passed my elementary school on the way here and I saw the tall row
of trees we planted on Arbor day 23 years ago.
Fuckin sweet!

********later

We stopped at that L shaped row of trees on the way back and I hugged
the one I think was mine. How 'bout that fer tarded??

I poured all my fears into a rock and thre it into the sea.

Adios, amiogs(is it the same plural??)

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Rats!

2008-07-08T10:04:00.001-04:00

So much for having my computer accessible again!
2 hours I spent on my laptop yesterday and now the power cord doesn't
charge it.
Does this mean I am destined to lose my mind, slowly and steadily?
I need an outlet for the thoughts scorching their jumb led messages
into the backs of my eyeballs but
Writing on my Blackberry I'd slower than writing with a pen and paper.
I have a warranty so I will check into that.
But I kinda wanna cry.

Other than that I'm blissfully happy.

It's going to be hot and sticky again today.
Sounds like a day for Lucia!

We have a very long list of Crap We Must Remember To Do but we are
utterly distractable.

I am getting more out of shape by the second.
Pissing me off
Must find a routine of some kind in all this happy chaos.
With routine there is time for working out.

Have a very great day.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Thoughts in shards

2008-07-07T17:35:00.002-04:00

Because there is so much going on around me!
I love it, but...
I do like some peace and quiet from time to time.
Ok, more like I like some peace and quiet every single day.

I can't think clearly with so much going on.
It is a hot day here and I feel lethargic with all of the Nothing I've been doing.
I got my suitcases unpacked and loaded into the wonderful space that my Darlin' cleared out of his huge closet for me.
And I sorta got caught up on email...no, not really.
I just wrote a brief summary of our reunion to a girl who didn't go.
Saturday night was the 15th reunion for my high school class.
It was cool.
I have thoughts, but they are disconnected from my fingers right now.
More later.

I better just go cook dinner...or go to the store and buy something to cook for my giant family (ok, not so giant: 4 kids and a guest plus Love and I).
It's hot out.
Maybe just watermelon.
Mmmmmm...
Or a nap.
I have awesome pictures, too, and plan to do some hardcore writing this week, so stay tuned......

Happy indy-pendence day!

2008-07-04T21:32:00.000-04:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Pearl Jam in Boston

2008-06-28T22:25:00.001-04:00

I knw you can't see a thing in the picture
But
Here I am!
Getting a contact high and groping my True Love

Eddie Vedder is
The
Man.
Also, these guys know how to play th'rock music.
Hell yes.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Life is exquisite

2008-06-21T18:54:00.001-04:00

I found him!
I know, I know, you're probably getting sick of hearing it.
But tough shit,
Cuz I am nowhere near done swooning over this perfection.
This man is so gentle and so full of love and goodness and patience???
He's got patience IN SPADES!!!!
Oh and also, check out Frisky Dingo on itunes.
It will be worth your time.
It's a cartoon from Adult Swim and we can't stop quoting it...

So last night my kids stayed home with grampa so we could catch up
with a variety of old friends and jam out to an amazing band.
And my hormones are behaving again...
(Don't ask.)
And my sweet little boys are here!!!!!!!!
And life is just truly exquisite.
I wasn't kidding.
Nor was I exaggerating.
Blissful as hell, so to speak...hehehe...
Blissful as heaven, more like. Wink.

Oh, also, I may have permantly injured myself from headbanging last night.
And I will go see the same band again if given the chance!!!!

Happy Summer Solstice, loves!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Kittens!!!!

2008-06-14T16:13:00.000-04:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

On the road again

2008-06-14T09:47:00.001-04:00

It's been a high mileage week but thank the gods of oil they've mostly
been on the bike and today's run is on a school bus full of middle
schoolers!
It is kinda weird to be on a bus, but we're headed for Fun Town
(Which can be taken both literally and figuratively) so it's well
worth the bumpy ride and crappy seats.
Or it WOULD be...if I didn't habe to pee so bad!
Haha!
Damn and curse my bladder.

It's so great to be in Maine.

We took the bike down to Portland (60 miles but 1.5 hours) to have
dinner with a friend and then we decided to stay the night in
Freeport.
We used the blackberry LiveSearch feature to find a B&B.
It was comfortable and lovely but I had heartburn and didn't have my
trusty Tums so I didn't really sleep well.
And then I woke up with either a stomache flu or the demon responsible
for the heartburn rearing its ugly head.
Laaaaaame.
Still managed to enjoy my blueberry pancakes and the long, slow ride
back up the coast.
We detoured at Damariscotta and swept over to Pemaquid Point Lighthouse.
(Will add pix later)
Got home and slept off the stomache malady while my baby cooked dinner
for the kids and my Dad.
My mom works at the State Park during the summer but there are always
a few weeks that overlap before school gets out where she is working
two full time jobs so my Dad is on his own.
That is just the type of thing I'm looking forward to if I live here!
So we had a delicious dinner and played a fun board game and went to bed early.
Life is so far beyond good.

The best part?
My kids will be getting on that airplane on Monday and we will all be together!
Not to mention my darling, amazing, life-saving (in every way) friend
will be arriving with them.
Hooray!
We will have a marvelous summer.

I have been trying to leave comments but haloscan seems to be
incompatible with my blackberry...chink in armor...sniff...

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Beauty is in the eye of the key-holder...

2008-06-12T09:59:00.004-04:00

He's perfect, they said.
He's perfect , I said.
In so many ways and
so perfect for me.

He's perfect, I said
with a smile thin as crepe.

I'm not, I whispered in the dark of the night.
I'm not, I feared to the listening walls.

And we all know the fate of the god-loving mortal
And we all know that they are a whole 'nother species

So I searched for his faults and I tallied them up,
and then I felt better...but just for a bit
because, why would I want to date someone so flawed...?

******

Just a little poem that came to me as I dried off from my morning shower.
It made us giggle.
I read it to him and we agreed that it would be a silly thing to read during the toasting portion of our wedding.
That we'll have on 10-10-10, for anyone interested in coming.

******

There is so much to say.....
but I'll start with the motorcycle stories.
A couple of nights ago it was the end of a hot day, begun with a long walk/jog across these winding roads--
which reminds me of the poem that came to me while riding the next day,
but I'll get to that in a minute.
And now I've ruined the surprise because in the next part of the story you will be given the chance to wonder if I survived my first ride...
(ok, so it's hardly a surprise that I did; I AM writing this, aren't I?? ...unless it's my ghost...woooooooo....ooooo....ha.)

So the night was warm and thickly dark around us,
so much humidity that fog was imminent and was felt before it was seen.
The bike purred, a crotch rocket engine with a more upright-riding position...don't ask me what type it was; it's a Bandit, that's all I know.
So we geared up--
helmet fittings and jacket try-ons.
I scored a snug helmet and the use of his best (armored) jacket.
I giggled with glee to be clinging to the back of my Truest Love aboard a machine that is my truest love.
I wrapped my arms around him, legs pressed close around his hips.
The first ten seconds were coooool, man.
And then he opened up the throttle like a drunk opens a bottle of whiskey on his way out of jail.
We found the spot on the speedometer with a 1, 2, and 0 next to it.
I hardly had time to notice the silly numbers
I was so focused on winning the wrestling match with the wind.
The wind, tearing me from my love.
The wind, ripping angrily at me, possessively--
this bike, this man...they are mine.
My tiny fingers dug holes in the leather of his jacket and every muscle in my body yearned to be one with the body in front of me.
He did that several other times on our 20 mile run.
By the end I was whimpering, shaking.
Ok, by the beginning I was whimpering, "No, no, no..."
And I know it's silly, but I found myself praying to my motorcycle-slain bro-in-law to save me.
Apparently he did.
Heh.
We got off the bike and all I could think was, "If I tell him how scared I was he won't think I'm cool, he won't want to take me for more rides."
But, ya know.
He's my True Love and that means he only needed one look at my face and he held me and promised not to go so fast with me on back ever again.
The sweet Boy Next Door in him said in a shrugging way, "Yeah, that was more for me than you anyway."

So yesterday we needed to go return a camera to his friend out in the boondocks
(and that's saying a LOT because this is Maine...everything is sort of boondocky, even the state capital) and he suggested we take the bike.
After requesting his promise not to try to kill me again, we geared up and set off.
Best.
Day.
Of my life.
(this week, so far)
Seriously, it was gorgeous.
And he didn't fly off in record time again, although we did technically go "too" fast at times.
Any bikers out there may not be surprised to hear me say it was like meditation.
Head clearing, mind soothing.
It was beautiful.
A gorgeous day, my love wrapped up in my limbs.
Mmmm.
The friend's house had a wide, clear pond and I wandered over to it.
There were giant tadpoles and teensy tadpoles

and luscious green frogs, sparkling and pulsing in the sunshine.

As we wended our way through the undulating hills of inland Maine
(so sturdy in its marked lack of lace-like inlets, tidal rivers, and rocky beaches)
we both drank in the sights.
Meadows and green, hilly vistas!
There were some men sawing through trees
and the smell reached me on delay as we sped past--
pine and raw, still-breathing wood!!
I shudder in delight just remembering it!
There were lakes and ponds and rivers and hardly any cars.
It was inland, after all.
Tiny little General Stores and the man stroking smoothly through that lake across the street.
Ramshackle barns against horizons of green rolling meadows,
blue sky licking down between the cleavage of gentle hills.
Nature's Masterpiece, I tell ya!
And then we roared into the parking lot at the Harley shop and my panties REALLY got wet!
Walking reverently through the showroom,
a finger trailing over a smooth leather seat,
a cheek pressed lovingly to the cold gas tank
as I bend toward the handlbars.
The "Small World"ness of this place gave me a smile as we chatted with another biker who heard where we lived and tossed out a name and I bit--
my friend's friend! And he knew my friend, too; I knew he would because they all ride together.
Then off to lunch (I was growing lightheaded, so I tore myself away) and
on to the Suzuki showroom.
They also had a bunch of used bikes of other brands--
a fucking GREAT 2007 Honda Shadow for way less green than I would have thought...
and even a Harley for less than I expected but Honey says it's too whimpy and that they are overpriced.
I am JONESING to a. be back out there riding and b. learn to DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

A beautiful day, then home for a shower and into summer clothes for an evening on a docked schooner, a Chamber of Commerce networking opportunity for some, a gorgeous end to the day for all:

Ok, I'm off to pick up some groceries for this Bachelor Pad Extraordinaire.
Sweet One will have a phone interview for a job and then we will head down to Portland for dinner with a comedian friend of mine and apres drinks with a high school friend.

Here is the aforementioned Poem From the Road:

There are no straight lines in Maine--
except the trunks of the mighty pine forests.
The rock walls are tired, having given in to gravity.
The roads wind and wiggle, bend and sway,
dancing their way through the countryside.
The towns are a clumsy handful, a jumbled arrangement of odd-shaped stones
(like the ones lining the narrow beach of Crockett's Cove).
The horizon is jagged, encroached on by pines.
And the shoreline is ever-surging inland--
the ocean taking shark bites out of the landscape.
I just left the land of straight lines
and linear, inside-the-box thinking--
rules and restrictions,
of new construction is the only home to buy,
and towns lined up neatly along the freeway like polished little school children on picture day.
Straight lines do not exist in Maine.
And that feels just right.

My Beach!

2008-06-09T19:21:00.000-04:00

Owl's Head Maine
Mine.
Wish you were all here!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

HOME!!!!!!

2008-06-09T02:03:00.001-04:00

We made it home today in record time--
Which sorta blows my mind, considering we spent all evening in NYC traffic.
But here we are.
Home, home, home.

Today was the best day of the trip because it was the Last!
Ha!
We had a really great time, but it's kinda brutal to drive that many
hours and miles under the best of circumstances and, frankly, there's
a hell of a lot of stress churning through my life at this particular
moment.

I got word from my awesome SIL that my kitty had her babies tonight--
FIVE.
She had 5!
So much for my,"It's her first litter so it'll be small" rationale.
Siiiiigh.

Ok. My love has finished brushing his teeth. So that means good night to YOU!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

More mobility for your enjoyment

2008-06-06T23:01:00.001-04:00

...Or for mine, more specifically!
This mobile blogging thing kinda rocks as hard as
As hard as...
Thinder rolling through a confined space.
Yeah, something like that.
Ms. Orange asked how I was doing this so I shall tell you.
There are 2 main ways with blogger.
First, you can look in settings and find your specific email address
(which you'll have to set up if you haven't already done so) and then
you just email posts in from your (my) handy dandy Blackberry Curve.
Another way is that you can send a text or email from most any phone
to go@blogger.com and then log in to your blogger blog for
instructions on how to proceed.
So....
Yeah.
I'm sure that was fascinating.
I hope it answered the question.

It is very muggy here in Maryland and it makes my curly hair as kinky
as my bedroom hit list!
Snort--
Actually, I'm pretty average these days but that's the way I like it.
My dance partner rocks my socks off when he gets my rocks off (ha!)
But I don't feel like I'm in vixen mode at all.
We are so connected...and it's just really nice to not feel like I am
valued only for my Skillz.
Of which I have many.
So I've heard.

Wow.
That was quite a tangent.
The point is, it's hot and sticky in this place. I'm having fun but
look forward to getting to maine and especially to the arrival of my
kids.
I am tired.

Going to DC tomorrow to museum it up.
Two cutest nephews in the world.
I defy you to out cute these guys!
Oh, also--
Current status of me being right to boyfriend being right?
2-0

Huzzzah!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Bloggin' my way across the USA--

2008-06-04T22:04:00.005-04:00

Well...
not exactly.
See, if I was actually blogging my way, I would have written something before NOW.
Now?
I am almost there.
But Sunday I left Utah and yesterday I arrived in Pittsburgh.
Tomorrow we'll jog over to Maryland and spend some time with my sister and her family,
and then we'll pop over to Upstate New York to see another friend of My Love's and then we'll get to his house by Tuesday at the latest (because he has a friend whose daughter is graduating high school and it is super important to him to be there).

So.......
I have been in a blogging frame of mind as we've driven these 30 hours,
but my new and faaaaabulous Blackberry is tied to a new blog because I'm toying with the idea of Starting Fresh, but as you all may have noticed, I have very little actual interest in leaving this blog.
Anywho.
I will have to rearrange things (if I can) so that I can mobile blog to this dot com.
Because may I just say...
this whole Blackberry thing rocks
my
world.
I am glad I didn't have it a few years ago when I was hardcore addicted to blogging.
It would have been dangerous.
Having constant access to the web is fun and useful but not advised for people with a $500 a day blogging habit.
(ok, we all know blogging doesn't cost money, but I had to make it sound severe and drug-like...I think I did it.)

Alright, when last you saw our heroine, she was returning from the cruise and breathlessly awaiting the arrival of her Knight in Shining Armor.
And since I refuse to write this in third person, we are now switching back to first.
Deal?
Deal.
Ok.
So he arrived on schedule and my cleavage and I met him at the bottom of the escalator and frankly we both nearly wept with relief.
It is just not Right for us to be apart.
It is as though the entire universe bends under the pressure of our separation.
The universe is rent as it attempts to wrap itself around the empty spaces we each should occupy until we finally do.
We hugged and hugged and drank each other in and finally
the darkness of our parting had been dissipated by the light of our reunion.
...wow, that was cheesy.
Sorry, that's just how it was.

So we spent the next few days wallowing in the happiness of being together again and playing with my kids and almost preparing for the drive.
Then on Saturday morning we took the kids to my FAVORITE hike in northern utah.
Actually, the kids and I took Him--
they have been to the hot springs with me 3 times now.
And on our last visit, a few weeks ago, we crossed this bridge riddled with declarations of love and other such carved graffiti and I thought, “Hm. I wish I had something sharp.”
As we walked along, there on the path was a pair of tweezers.
I pocketed those fuckers and on the way back I left a message for my love--
Lisa (heart)s Michael 4Ever
Hehehe...
He loved it.
The hike was beautiful and the kids were happy and chatty,
floating easily back and forth between the two of us.
The hot springs were swarmed with parents and young children,
which was completely out of the ordinary.
Odd.
And when we returned from the hike it was time to throw everything in the car and go to the awesome park and have a picnic dinner with my brothers and their families.
This was the first time most of them had met him and it went spectacularly.
They all really liked him and he, days later, is still talking about how incredible they are.
Dream come true.

So, after the dinner we took the kids to their dad's house and dropped them off then went home and CRASHED.
We are not as young as we used to be.
Heh.

So then on Sunday we were going to throw the stuff in the car and be out of there by noon.
Well....
I have a pregnant kitty who needed to be delivered to my brother's house because his animal loving wife had volunteered to keep her for the summer.
But I started feeling guilty about leaving her so we wasted a good couple of hours buying a carrier and special litter box and arranging the car around her stuff only to realize we were foolish to attempt a week-long road trip with a pregnant cat.
Sooooo........
we left at 4pm.
And did not make very much progress that first day.
I think we got to...
Ogalalla, Nebraska.
About 3am.
Got a few hours of sleep and hit the road again.
It was a few hours into that next day of driving that we discovered that the luggage rack on top was killing our gas economy, just as we had predicted.
But...
we were in the middle of cornfield nowhere and had only 30 miles left til an empty tank.
We were probably within 5 miles of running out of gas when we found a place, on a hunch.
After we filled up I bought a couple of scratch tickets because, hey, they have them here!
(not in Utah—oh, and we also bought a few cool fireworks in Wyoming, cuz we don't have those in Utah either)/
My tickets were tiny winners
(as opposed to tiny weiners)
and I ended up with $10 more than I started with.
So that was cool.
Paid for 2.5 gallons of gas.
Rock.
4 damn dollars a gallon.
Psh.

We stopped to pee once because there was a sign...but then the gas station was deserted and had a "No Trespassing" sign on the gate across the entrance, so we obliged.
We still needed to pee and this place was across the street:

It looked like a welcoming place to pee...
and become infected with tetanus.

Ok, so then after almost 1000 miles without seeing a single law enforcement vehicle we saw one.
And then just a few more miles and I was going 81 in a 75 and the sweetest cop ever pulled me over and gave me just a warning.
Yay!

We slept the second night (from 4-9 am) in a town called...Shipshewana (I think) in...Michigan?
And then rolled into Pittsburgh around 5pm yesterday.
We were immediately assaulted by the two cutest, most excited little girls I've seen this month.
Ha. But seriously, super cute and ridiculously excited.
My love happens to be their faaaavorite “uncle” and their Mom is in a Reserve unit that was activated 6 months ago or so and they were in severe need of some extra attention.
Their Dad is one of my love's closest friends from the Navy days.
And their brother is 18 months old and FREAKIN ADORABLE.
So we've had fun here and will be hitting the road in the morning.
More adorable children to see!
My nephews are so awesome; can't wait.
And my sister is making crab cakes—yummmm!

Hm.
I think that brings us up to speed, only the problem with this whole “not blogging” thing is that there are tons of awesome little stories that I must leave out due to the ridiculous lengthiness of my post.

A few highlights:
A chain of gas stations through the central time zone
(whose ass we kicked, by the way—crossed that fucker in one day's driving. Huzzah!)
called, “Kum and Go”.
No lie.
Sounds like a bodily fluid extravaganza, no?

And then here in Pittsburgh there is a building called
the Frick Building....
hehehee....snicker...snort....
I wonder what they do there?

Good lord.
I really need to be doing this every day again.
It feels sooooo good!

Ok.
Hope you're all well.
I miss you.

pittsburgh is coooool

2008-06-04T15:58:00.000-04:00

But I will blog properly from my computer. Just testing out the blackberry's blogging capabilities.

I'm neither here nor there--

2008-05-27T18:58:00.003-04:00

as far as I can tell.

Got home late last night from The Cruise,
will be leaving Sunday for The Road Trip.

The cruise was great--
the kids behaved themselves amazingly well,
the food was good but I didn't gain a single pound,
and My True Love will be here, IN MY ARMS, in 6 hours!
How much better could life get???

So we left Wednesday night
(as soon as Idol announced the winner--and thank god the right David won, or that road trip woulda been depressing)
with the kids tucked into the way back with blankies and pillows and DVD player,
And M tucked into the backseat, surrounded by luggage and snacks, with Me taking the first leg of driving and S in the passenger seat.
We talked and talked and the kids were great and then we listened to this INCREDIBLE audio book about going with the flow of the universe and the roads were slick from rain and the night was heavily dark, but inside the car there was laughter, love, and light.
When S took over driving I dozed a bit and then we pulled over in the desert of California, somewhere near where Barstow would be if it was real (I'm pretty sure it's not).
We tried to sleep but the kids were too giggly so I drove us on into San Diego.
Our mapquested directions delivered us painlessly to the cruise ship port which,
much to the delight of the kids,
was docked RIGHT
NEXT
TO
an aircraft carrier!!!!
Not only that, but it was serving as a museum and they got to go through it!!!
the looks on their faces at the sight of that thing were absolutely priceless.
You'd think they had won the lottery.
They had, in their world.
It was friggin awesome.
So we had some breakfast and got on board the ship and we were all ridiculously overtired but excited.
The beds were deliciously comfortable and the cold, windy, cloudy day stayed outside while we all caught up on our sleep a bit.
We awoke to seasickness and scrambled to put little patches behind everyone's ears--
which were life savers, but didn't kick in until the next morning.
None of us had expected to be seasick so we didn't put them on ahead of time, but the ocean was rather rough and the boat was a smaller one than our experienced cruiser had been on so there ya go.
Anyway, the weather stayed cold the whole time, so we didn't ever go swimming, and all the sundresses and tank tops seemed a little out of place.
The kids didn't really take a cotton to the Kids Camp thingy, either, so we spent a lot of time watching movies in the cabin, but it was all fun, even if it wasn't quite what I expected.
And then.
We got off the boat and we were in
MEXICO!!!!
I have never been to Mexico.
Canada yes, but never Mexico.
(I have also been to France, but that is the extent of my world travel. heh)
We were assailed by all the many street vendors and the sun was shining and our sunscreen was patchily applied, so off we went!
We walked through the coolish-warmish (perfect) sunshine to the quietest spot on the beach and had a grand ole time!
S was courted quite relentlessly by a young man who promised to take her to Love Island...heh.
I found a tequila shop and bought a couple of bottles, as well as a large bottle of vanilla.
I have funnier stories, but sadly they are not available for public consumption.
The rest of the cruise was spent eating and napping and then we drove home.
The end.

Sheesh.
I really thought I had more stories!!
But I just guess I don't.
For a cruise with kids, it would have been nice to have some sunshine.
For a cruise with cold raininess it would have been nice to have a lover.
Oh well.
Oh yeah!
I did call my love at one point--ten minutes for $76, and I must say it was worth every penny!!!
Yes, I'm nuts.
Also, we picked up a ton of duty-free alcohol, which is extra silly because none of us drinks very often.
So now we're set for the next year.
Or two.

On the drive home one of my boys asked me what the brown lunch bags were for.
I explained that I had brought them along so we could pack sandwiches from the ship for our shore excursion because we had been told to be wary of the local food/drink situation.
So....
15 or 20 minutes later we stopped for gas and I went to the back to let the kids out and what did I find?
The entire contents of each of their backpacks arranged carefully into about 10 lunch bags!
It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.
They were VERY pleased with their work.

Let's see...what else?
I know we had lots of fun.
Oh yeah!!!!
I almost forgot the funniest part!
One afternoon one boy (O) was sleeping and the other boy (M) wanted to go with me to get some ice cream.
So, S joined us and we went for ice cream.
We were about to leave when we were accosted by a sheepish looking man.
He had a strange little proposition for us.
Apparently there were chicken fingers about to be set out at one end of the buffet, but they were only for the children (and as it turned out, they were only for children signed in to Kids Camp) and he was wondering if he could ask our son ("or nephew?" ..."Son.") to get him a plate full.
We laughed and agreed to this stealthy little manuever.
He insisted on giving my child $5 for his services, which I attempted to refuse, but M's eyes lit up and he took on the challenge like a PRO!
It turned out that we needed to sign him into the Kids Camp and then steal the plate from him and deliver it to the guy (and his boyfriend) who watched the whole thing with great amusement.
Hilarious!
M felt so proud and so grown up.
When his brother woke and joined the game M very quickly offered to share the loot with him and I was so very proud.
Those boys are so kind to each other--when they're not asserting dominance and testosterone-emergence by smacking each other randomly with brute force or tattling on each other to the extreme.

Anyway.
It was a fun trip.
Not sure that cruising is my thing.
I have always suspected that I prefer the destination to be the journey, at least as far as cruises go.
I would rather fly to Mexico and spend 4 days on the beach than travel there by boat, I think.
Unless it was sunny and warm...
Eh.
Whatever.
I got to go on a super fun vacation with my adorable kids and some great friends.
I shall not complain!!!

Tonight?
I'm GETTIN LAID, people!!
Woooot!
And even better than that, I'm getting hugged--
held tightly, and kissed softly.
I'm getting snuggled and adored and I can't wait!!!

Oh, there he is now, texting me...
au revoir, mes amies!
(don't know the spanish; back off)

P.S. I just remembered one of the other funny stories:
We pulled off the road somewhere in the desert so that we could attempt to sleep and I climbed in the way back with the kiddos and we all got settled in and then O said, "Hey Mom. If someone pulled over and looked in our car they would think there were a bunch of dead people in it!!"
And since he sounded so delighted the obvious response from me was, "Score!!"
Ha.

Morning Would

2008-05-20T11:27:00.002-04:00

The roosters drew me to my window where I saw a pink and lavender sky,
smudgily covered with the pastels of a beginner art class.
I smile and remember aching for your first touch--
aching for your presence in my home, my bed.
I smile and prefer this dream to any cheap vision sleep could offer me.
...I love you.

What a lovely thought
Of visions and embracing.
Desire is a funny and wonderful thing
Something that can be felt
It has a physical component to it

My desire for you is an all consuming thing
It nourishes me
It fills me
It drives me
To you.

My desire for you is as vast as the ocean
but I wear it close, like a cloak--
lined with the satin of your love--
and I revel in the feel of it against my skin.

************

Those were my waking thoughts, sent to my love, and his reponse.
God bless the magical age of text messaging!!!!!

The kids and I (and two of my dearest girl friends) are heading out tomorrow night to drive to San Diego...
from which we will depart for a quick little 4 night cruise to Meh-hee-co!
I'm so friggin excited.
We found some super cheap tickets and just thought, what the hell, ya know?
I wanted to take the kids on a cool vacation for two purposes: to spend quality time together and to celebrate making it on our own.
They don't have to know about that second one. Hehe.

The day after we return from the cruise, my True Love will arrive and spend a few days with us before joining me for the drive to Maine--
ROAD TRIP!!!!!
It's something I've been wanting to do for, like, EVER and who better to do it with (heh-heh, i said "do it") than my best friend, true love?
And, just for anyone keeping score out there, or anyone wondering if I know what I'm talking about...well, I've certainly never dated anyone I could call a soul mate before.
Yes, I met him a bit sooner than I would have chosen--ink was barely dry on the divorce decree when our online flirtations took a serious turn.
Definitely not what I had in mind.
I figured a couple of years of dating adventures and THEN I would hope to find The One.
But I got lucky.
I got extraordinarly lucky.
And here he is.
A match for me in every conceivable way.
(did you just say "inconceivable"? I do not think that means what you think it means.)
Anyway...
life is grand.
He even lives in my hometown.
Where I've been yearning to move with an urgency to match my desire for a soul mate!
What could be a more perfect combination???
So, we'll drive across the great expanse of this gorgeous country of ours (at four markedly UNgorgeous dollars per gallon) and spend 2 months there with my boys (who will arrive by big ole jet airliner shortly after we do) and his boys and feel what it's like to be A FAMILY.
We are already each other's family.
We adore each other's kids and parents and friends.
Dudes.
He went to my parents' house OF HIS OWN VOLITION just to introduce himself!!!
Because he was jumping for joy at how friggin awesome their daughter is and couldn't stand to wait another moment to tell them so.
We will hang a hammock-for-two between those two giant trees next to the pond and we will snuggle there on sticky afternoons, listening to the buzz of the unknown insects and teasing each other until zippers fly and trees rock and
we are glad there are no neighbors.

Also, I plan to continue with college and continue with writing and I am the luckiest woman alive!

Happy Summer, All!!!
I do plan to chronicle my roadtrip here, but who knows...
Also, anyone living along I-70 who wants to meet me and/or let us sleep on your couch, email me.
notsoluckystar AT gmail DOT com

I started a post once with:

2008-04-23T09:15:00.002-04:00

"I am in Maine
I am in pain
I want to fall
in love
again."

....I am in Maine, but I am not in pain
because I have.
I have fallen in love for the last time.
I have found my true love, my soul mate.

But, as usual, I am angst-ridden and poem filled.
So, yay for THAT.
Haha.

Here's what I wrote last night:

I was afraid I might drown
but instead
it seems I am learning the butterfly stroke
which sounds prettier than it looks,
and is stronger than its name implies.
I am stronger than its name implies, too.
...although, somehow...it seems that I protest too much,
like the time Shakespeare said that.
To declare my strength is shouting it to my own deaf ears,
shouting it to a world with only four senses.

I am lost, and I am found.
But I can't stop spinning as I sit so still
hoping no one notices the way my smile has slipped
from the grip
in which I held it so tightly
for so long.

Remind me...
whisper into that part of my mind that holds memories
and tell me that I don't have to prove anything
and I don't have to be
any
one
other than myself.

I am still shedding the baggage I acquired during that ten year stint up the river.
In shackles,
behind bars,
or in pubs, or what have you....
You get the idea, you hear me, you smell what the Rock is Cookin'
...and yes, it might be lobster. :)

Tonight I am home in more ways than I can count.
I am content in more ways than I've ever imagined.
But.
I am, most definitely, at a place called Vertigo--
I know which way is up, but I can't seem to find it;
I know where I am, but I can't find the light switch.
My heart is still so full it aches, but there are moments when I can't breathe--
moments when it all turns upside down and I wonder where I fit in,
wonder how this will play out over a lifetime.
Wonder if I'm enough,
And in all of this wondering...
I forget to remember the most important part:
We are a perfect match,
like two halves of the same whole,
like one plus one equals one
like my heart in his chest
and his thoughts in my head
and I chide myself for forgetting to remember those (most important) things.
Those things which are all that I have sought,
for all the years I've been aware of my heart's design.

Silly girl...
did you also forget, so soon?
Did you forget how much your soul craves a pure outlet?
Ah.
Yes.
Time for a new blog, eh?
Time for a new blog.
Will you ever stick with any blog with the determination and love that you rode like a surfer's paradise on the original?
Prolly not.
But that's ok.

****

I am having fun here, but it's not all fun and games.
Anything that is actually worth having takes some work, so I can dig it.
I would like to get my voice back, minus the guilt.
Good thing there is no guilt allowed in this house of love.
This man is so good and so kind and so accepting.
Also?
Great in bed.
:D

Me again...

2008-03-26T00:55:00.003-04:00

Sitting on my bed, with the spring air sneaking in my window
with my drug of choice (American Idol) coursing through my veins (ear canals)
and I have my very own laptop at my command--
a metaphor for my life.
heh.
I feel so alive
(for the very first time?)
nah, not the very first time, but
the first time in a
long
time.

And now my favorite Idol is singing Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean...
hm.
I thought I would like it more--
oh wait!
there he goes..........
mmmmm........
fuck yes.
DAAAAMN.
This guy is a rock star.
No matter what happens with the idolatrous masses,
he will rock world upon world for many years to come.

I float, in this new space of freedom and choice.
I fly high,
no need for wings.
(p.s. Randy just told him he's gonna win and Paula's about to lick his ballsack...hold on...let's see what simon says...he's SMILING??? Wha---??? "It was amazing")
Ok.....sorry for foisting my addiction upon you.
But, hey, isn't that what addicts do?
Hehe...

Ok.
Back to ME, cuz isn't that what you're here for?
Har.

**********

I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with my D-earest friend!!
Oh, that voice has been missed.
So good to reconnect.

I have missed this outlet as well.
I don't know if I'll ever be "a blogger" again,
but I sure do hope so.
I like it here.
I have so much joy in my life now that it will be interesting to see how that changes my writing style--
for, the content will certainly be different.

Tomorrow I will leave straight from work to go to the mountain.
The snow will melt soon and I must wring the last drops of sweet ski season out of this winter!
It is light until nearly 8, and night skiing lasts until 9:30, so I should get a full chunk of it in before they close the lifts.
It's so warm now, too.
I'm not even packing my silk thermals.
I'll have my tunes and my skis and my memories of the last time I skied...
so I will smile, even though this time I will be alone.
He'll still be there with me, a shadow lighting up my night.

I don't mind doing things alone, but I prefer people to even the coolest adventures.
If I don't have someone to share it with, I see far less value in any endeavor.

Ok, it is past my bedtime and I have an awesome, long day ahead.
Later--

Rain outside, rain inside

2008-03-20T11:16:00.003-04:00

Yes, it's one of those days.
It started last night, as I listened to him speak.
At first it was just a hand gathering the fabric of my lungs and heart in a quick squeeze,
but as the conversation ended
(early)
the fabric around my ears and eyes were tugged into that fist as well,
and the grip tightened.
I sobbed, I even wailed.
I felt like I was falling down a long, dry well.
My imagination was giving me a preview of how it would feel to lose him,
that's all,
but it felt so real, so...
unrecoverable.
I kept saying, out loud, "I can't do this, I can't do this."
And what I meant was I can't love someone so much that losing them would leave me debilitated, broken, so raw that infection would set in in the blink of an eye, leaving me with a gangrened heart.
And then...
A song was sung, on the tv I had ignored during this spasm of hopelessness, and a smile breached the Fortress of Wallowing.
And I was reminded that I am loved so deeply that I don't have to fear that he will reject the love that pours out of me...
And that Fear of Loss is a natural balance to this strong of a love, but that I have "nothing to fear"...he is as much mine as the moon is the earth's, and I am his.

In the next moment there was an advertisement proclaiming that "I am Legend" is available on DVD and I finished cheering up enough to go to sleep.
But this morning,
as the clouds hang low over the mountains,
and the rain splashes up from the street,
I find myself frowning again, and hollow.

I told myself it was fear of heartbreak that crushed me last night, but...
maybe it's just the vacuum he left when he went home.
We had a week of paradise and now my heart struggles to beat.
I want to be cool
calm
chiiiiiilled.
But I guess that's not in the cards for me at the moment.
I miss his hand on mine, gently brushing my skin.
I miss his presence, assuring and accepting in every way.
I miss his heart beating just inches from mine and the way just one kiss could send me over the moon.
I will see him again in one month.
And our love for each other is deep and solid and true.
But I guess it is not pure enough to evade the monster that is Pain of Separation--
somehow I had imagined that the joy of our time together would carry me a lot further.
It took a day for me to truly feel his absence, because I was so thoroughy satisfied in every cell.
But last night it hit like a whole mob of tornados.
Today I stumble around in the wreckage, looking for a silver lining.
And finding one, of course:
I may not get to hold his hand or spoon him today, but I do get to do so for the rest of my life.
Just have to have a little patience...

Sorry for that.
Just needed to get it out.
I feel so much better now!!

The flashback portion of this post is:
We had the most amazing, beautiful, serene, exhilarating time together.
We fit like a hand in a smooth leather glove, like peanut butter and chocolate--
like thunder and lightening.
We are a natural fit in every way and we both feel so blessed, so joyous to have found each other.
We went to the opera and it was beautiful--we were beautiful!
We went to Moab where he shared his incredible cameras with me
and taught me to take some extra cool shots,
and where we stayed at the most dreamy b&b
with the BEST breakfast
whose name was Aztec for "house of dreams".
In the Fiery Furnace (restricted hiking area) we met a dear friend of his and the love of her life, with whom we spent a most gorgeous day--
conversation flowed between us all, and the deep, passionate love we all shared for the red rocks and our respective partners made us light up the world.
When you're in love like this it's like being a member of a secret club...
that you wish everyone else could join!
And then we came home and went skiing--where I skied the best I've ever skied.
We played with my kids, who adore him, and he played handyman--fixing a faucet, a toilet, a shower head; a garage door opener, a light fixture, and resolving a dryer vent/bird's nest situation.
He met some of my best friends and one of my brothers, and everyone feels our joy, feels our connection--and they are all as ecstatic as I am (well, almost!) that I have found my soul mate, the love of my life, the man of my dreams....

So.
I guess it's natural that I panic once in a while over the thought of losing him.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make a habit out of it!!!!!
No dwelling on that shit.
Fuck no.

Ok...enjoy your day!!!
Happy full moon, happy spring, happy Spring Equinox, cuz I doubt I'll be posting again tomorrow and those are all awesome things!

Remember me?

2008-03-05T13:54:00.003-05:00

I used to be a blogger...
Or something.
What a foggy, distant memory that is!

Well, this is all still feeling very preliminary, but I wanted you guys to be among the first to know that I have been offered representation!
For my writing!
By a literary agency!

I will most definitely keep you posted...
And?
I will get my ASS IN GEAR AND START WRITING MY NEXT NOVEL!
cuz...they're interested based solely on my collection of fantasies/poems/stories from this here blog site.
Which rocks enough, but I will feel better about life if I have a true-blue novel to offer them.
Besides, I'm reading The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield right now, and I am READY to stop resisting my fate as a writer!

This is my year...
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
I have some news that is even more exciting than that, but this is far too public a forum for such a thing...
let's just say that my heart is full of the purest and most exquisite type of love and I feel blessed, truly.
I can't even believe that this kind of love is possible...but then...I have always believed it was possible, haven't I?
That's why I wiggled my way out of the Wrong Fit marraige.
And this man...he is a match for me in every conceivable way; he adores me.
And I?
I get butterflies in my stomache just thinking of him.
I have bonded with him more deeply and more solidly and more naturally than anythign I've imagined, in all of my years of imagining love.
This exceeds my expectations by lightyears.
We have a deep appreciation and respect for each other, as well as that convenient little thing called ATTRACTION.
Yum.
He is the answer to every prayer I've never offered.
He is the clone of the one I learned from, the one who showed me that men like this exist.
He is...my heart's home.

So there.
I hope you all feel the warmth of my joy and have a most delicious day!
Life is grand...!

How apt...

2008-02-25T20:00:00.003-05:00

I wrote this while at work today,
a palate cleanser...and a palette cleanser...hehehe...

Sometimes I have to purge some poetic residue
Before I can carry
On
With my grinding out of words-for-pay,
Words on parade,
in a monochrome of homogeny,
pictures in grey scale painted by my rainbow-tinged voice.

I must let these words flow out of me
Like letting blood for healing in olden days.

My thoughts all swirl around one man
In a teaming vortex of readiness;
My whole life has been leading me to him
Every step I’ve taken has been down this path
Even when it seemed I was being led away from anything resembling joy.
I want to share every part of my world with him,
And take every part of him into me.
We were made for each other as surely as the stars were made to shine.

And when I got home, I sat down to check my email and my son shouted for me to come see the rainbow--

So I did.

My life. Rocks.

2008-02-20T18:33:00.001-05:00

Tonight?
Idol.
Yes, I worship it, like a fucking golden calf, baby!
Ok, not really...I reserve that level of blasphemic adoration for my car, Pearl Jam, sushi, and sunsets...

This afternoon I made banana bread with chocolate chips for my boys.
It is one of our favorite treats.
We sorta had it (and popcorn) for dinner...in bed, with the Fairly Odd Parents movie...
What?? It was super fun!
I love that show...and they made a movie where the Fairies had a BABY--the first baby fairy in thousands of years, so the bad guys tried to steal it and it couldn't control its magic yet so all sorts of wacky stuff happened.
...good thing I have kids as an excuse to watch cartoons...
Did I mention how fun it was?
Have I ever mentioned that I don't have a TV in my living room?
When I moved in here in September, I was in such a state of joy...
almost as good as how I feel right now, in fact.
I was free for the first time in ten years--
free from oppression, sure, but free to make decisions, free to construct patterns in my life however I wanted, ya know?
I was free to choooooose!
And as I arranged my living room, I saw the perfect spot for my painting...the woman in the winter night, in the form of a tree.
The colors and textures so rich, it fit perfectly as the centerpiece for the room.
And suddenly the idea of putting a television in the same room as that loveliness was repugnant.
So I didn't.
And I haven't regretted it once.
The boys have one in their room, which they rarely use.
I have one in my room, which I use slightly more than rarely.
And the Wii is hooked up to one here in the computer/toy room, the loft.
And I love it.
I love everything about this house, this time around.
Before?
I hated everything about this house...
(except for one thing)
slightly symbolic, don't ya think?
The one thing I loved about it before is the same as my favorite thing about it now: the views.
My mountains hold me close and give me the most gorgeous sunsets and sunrises...my soul is sated by the feast for my eyes.
I don't even feel like the same person who lived here before...
But, sitting in this very spot is where I discovered blogging,
which is where I discovered National Novel Writing Month,
which is how I came to write my first novel,
which is how I found my Self...
I will write another...soon.
My biggest problem as a writer is that I'm too social: I would rather talk to people than invent them.
I need to be forced into solitude again, like when my boys were babies and I was a housewife with no one else to talk to.
That's ok...I'd rather fall in love than write about falling in love.

"I'm glad you like me so much, otherwise I would feel like a total stalker."

Good night, and good love to you all--

So much to say...

2008-02-14T12:34:00.003-05:00

I'm going to hit this typical BHW style and just kamikaze my way through it, ok?
Ok.

We got 6 inches or so of snow last night and after I dropped off the kids I decided to tackle the shoveling.
I will work from home today
(again)
I shovelled and shovelled and then I switched it up and did some left hand-propelled shovels and it was just such a beautiful day!
So then I was heading east on my sidewalk, and I didn't want to stop--
it felt so good!
So I went all the way to my neighbor's driveway,
but I still didn't want to stop.
Her car was parked in the driveway, and ohhh...how easy it would be to just clear a strip behind each tire so she doesn't have to drive through this huge pile of stuff in her little red car.
And then that left such a small patch that I couldn't just leave, so I cleared it all and
Daaaaaaaamn, did that feel good!!!
About halfway through, I thought of a guy who has already begun changing my life, from so far away, and I thought of him plowing his neighbors' driveways and I felt like maybe...
maybe I will be filled up with love again, so that all that I want to give can be given without leaving me feeling desiccated, withered, gasping for air.

This morning I awoke to sweet nothings, in text form...
cupid's arrows themselves could not land with such precision in my heart.
And the last one said something so sweet about my kids and a heartbeat later, Oliver walked into my room and said, "Mom! I didn't buy you a present!"
He was stricken...
I said, "Oh, honey, it's ok, just come give me a hug. I don't need presents."
and he laid down next to me and snuggled up and I couldn't imagine being happier.

And after the shovelling I decided to tackle the downstairs toilet which the kids managed to plug up a couple of days ago...
hey!
I tried to plunger it, but the one in that bathroom is rather ineffectual and kept forgetting to drag the one from my bathroom down there...
(Yes, this is all just the sexiest stuff you've ever read, isn't it??)
So after some manhandling, I had a totally clear bowl, but it was still not flushing right.
I bent down and something caught my eye...
a matchbox-sized cement truck!
Siiiiiiigh.
I don't know if it's been in there since we lived here 3 years ago, or if it got knocked in accidentally, but I thnk they're over that phase...
The toilet happens to be much newer than the rest of the house because when they were 2-3 they started flushing rather large toys down the toilet in that bathroom, causing Noah-esque floods and biblical-style wailing and gnashing of teeth, and eventually it reached the point of no return and had to be replaced.
So who knows.
But it should be working better now.
Oh, yes, that means I got to stick my arm down into a lovely, semi-clean toilet bowl.
Good thing my Valentine is not physically present, eh??
Snort!

Hope you're all having a happy day, whether celebrating or not.

Beautiful nights...

2008-02-12T00:11:00.000-05:00

I just went for a walk in the beautiful winter sunshine.
It is in the 40s, feels like spring.

I keep starting and stopping.
Can’t seem to find the right topic—
My thoughts are not scattered, they are lunging in twelve directions at once!
I feel more centered and happy than I have in a long time...
I am Me.
I own myself again...that marriage seems like a book I read once, that woman seems like an old friend.
Utah finally seems like a choice, and because of that I hate it less, but...

This week is going to fly by and then it’ll be time for skiing.
And writing.
There is no reason I shouldn’t get paid giant gobs of money for splattering the images in my head across paper.

I am ready.
For everything.

Ok, so now that my head has cleared (somewhat)...
Can I just take a moment and dwell on the magnificence of the other night?
I looked pretty hot, first of all—black pin-striped pants, grey wife beater, bad-ass belt and bracelet, hair down and wild.
I loved walking into a dance club with “Rock” tattooed on my forehead…
I loved getting lost in the rhythm of the unfamiliar songs,
And I love the DJ for knowing I needed to hear lots of old school stuff and for playing every current dance song I know.
As I drove to the city, I began a conversation and it didn’t fade when I got to the club…
I put my ID and my cash and my lip gloss and keyless clicker in my pocket and hesitated.
I looked at my phone, the flush of flirtation still warm on my cheeks and I was in a white space, a place where there was nothing else to hear or see or want….
The phone giggled and leapt into my other pocket, giving me a suspicious bulge on my hip, ruining the line of my silhouette.
I smiled and locked the car.
This place was cool...a bit of an older crowd so I didn’t have to feel out of place, huge screens all over the top half of the high walls playing videos of the songs.
We went straight to the floor and didn’t stop dancing for hours—
Pausing once for the bathroom,
Once for a tall glass of water.
The whole time my body moved, my eyes stayed on the screen of my phone...
I couldn’t feel the vibrations in my pocket,
But I seemed to pull it out to check every time there was a new message.
And...
Your words.
They trickled into me,
They shivered through me,
They rushed to my head, while the blood flowed south.
My body is a compass and you became my North Star.
The music fell around me like rain, but I was in a patch of sunshine,
lighting up the whole room.
Your words heated up—the pace quickened, like my pulse—
Our bodies connected across the dark expanse of the sleeping country.
My battery came
this
close
to dying...
and then it was time to go the car and I plugged in my charger and handed the keys to dear S and they giggled at me, having a love affair with my phone…
Then we cruised Taco Bell and I got hot sauce all over my keyboard as I willed myself to disappear into that phone and catch a ride on the transmitting signal.

Everyone should have a Friday night like that.

Have a happy Sunday, everyone.

Monday nights are for being...

2008-02-06T23:43:00.000-05:00

Just being.

I was going to take a bath
But I got sidetracked by taking sexy pictures
And falling in love with the comfort of my bed,
sideways.
And now I'm listening to the Juno soundtrack....
And I am smiling at the upbeat melancholy of the sounds surrounding me.

Night skiing is a lot like night swimming...
We had shots of whiskey as we rode up the mountain,
we had numb fingers as we rode up the mountain.
I had lines of poetry, somewhere in there--
but I lost them when the stars came out and
I can't find them now (because the sun came out).

Skiing in muted tones, under the big lamps under the small stars--
the snow feels different in the shadows,
the air feels different with no rays of light in it.
And into my ears melt the notes of "Nightswimming"...
I smile, and think, Yeah...
Then I swish
slowly
down the slope...

The end of an era...

2008-01-29T23:48:00.001-05:00

I just realized that tonight is the last night of my official run as a housewife.
I am buzzing with excitement--
or is that just the plum wine I'm sipping while dinner cooks?
Either way.
It is worthy of celebration.
While I was grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my little dears,
there is something to be said for going out in the world and being a part of the whole circle of capitalism, ya know??

Might I take a moment to interject a little something off the subject?
I hate a lot of things about MySpace--from the insecure way they ask you every time you do anything, "Are you sure you want to________?" (add that friend, that song, post that comment), to the difficulties that arise with editing the html--come the fuck on, people, just let me edit my goddamned template!!
So anyway...what annoys me the very most is right here in the blog function. See, I have this styyyyyle, man, this grooove.
I have a WAY I do things, ya dig?
I type a post like it's a poem, no matter what I'm saying;
I can't help it, it's just how I roll.
Yo.
HOWEVER.
In this particular stupid-ass editing window, I can't just hit "enter" and get a return.
Oh no.
I must hit "shift" and "enter" to get a normal "enter".
WHY?????
Dear, god, tell me why!!!!
It makes no sense.
So, like, Tom, you dirty bastard, if you are out there, listening, could you pretty please, with sugar to be licked off a stripper's nipples on top, make it an option to just have NORMAL key functions in this shit hole????
Thanks.

Uh....
Wow.
Who knew 5 and a half sips of plum wine would turn me into an irate little pumpkin pie maker???
(I made pumpkin pie today)

Odd.
Well, I came here to write about something...but now the timer is beeping loudly in my plum wine-dazzled ears, and I should go remove the garlic, mushroom and spinach pizza from the oven before it burns.

Ok, I removed the pizza and now I'm back.
I also ate the pizza, and it was good.
The kids were not as impressed with the gentle mixing of flavors as I was, but that's just tough.
Now that picky-eatin' daddy is out of the picture, I'll cook what I damn well please!!!
Wooo, that feels good!
There are so many things I can do now, it's awesome.
Like, have a job, for example...
I can't even tell you how wonderful it feels to know that I will have something else in this world that I'm responsible for other than my own home....
and when people ask what I do, I can say, "I write marketing materials for a software company!!!!"
And sadly, yes, I'll probably have four exclamation points worth of enthusiasm when sharing that news.

I have so many great ideas about how to navigate my newly reset future that I can hardly sit still.
I must, though.
I must find that quiet place inside and really think, really feel to figure out my next step.
I need to commit to a vision and run with it.

Also, I could use an ice cube.
Someone's eagerness for that pizza may have interfered with her mouth's intentions to not get burned...

Pseudo-Sick Day

2008-01-28T22:43:00.000-05:00

The kids and I had very minor cases of sniffles, but...
I just felt like keeping them home.
I do this about once a year...just as a treat.
It snowed like a motherfucker today, so I ended up grateful to have no reason to leave home.

Weekend was superb.
Had an impromtu dinner party on Saturday night which went spectacularly well.
Good food (if I do say so), good drinks (thanks to a new friend from home), and great company!
I am so lucky.

I feel so...peaceful.
So calm, so sure.

The divorce decree will arrive any day now.
I am not holding my breath, necessarily, but it'll be nice to stop waiting for it.
And it'll be even nicer to have my financial peace of mind more firmly in place.
(I'm sure Mr. Ex would love to make me pry my half of the assets from his cold, dead fingers, but the papers say otherwise...)

And then...who knows.
I start working on Wednesday.
Will be very part-time.
But whatever.
It'll give me some purpose in life...I've been spending far too much time on MySpace lately.
Filling out surveys and corresponding with old friends from home, new friends from home, and oddly yes, all the people I've been emailing with are from home--some of them live there still, some of them don't; some of them were my friends in high school, some of them I have only known in recent years (or weeks), through email.
Friggin Bizzzzzare.
But fun.
Oh, yes.
So fun.
Life is fun, but I have to make a plan...
Ok, fine. I'll just be a world-famous author.

good
night

Drunk on a Weeknight, Part 2

2008-01-25T03:02:00.001-05:00

Lordy, I'm blessed with a great babysitter.
Who was I talking to...someone asked where my kids were.
It felt almost accusatory.
With their favorite babysitter who plays with them and has a great time with them, asswipe.
I wish I could remember who it was...
Anyway, great night.
I did not get a hangover today, and that was such a miraculous and joyful experience that I decided to try it again.
We shall see.

Tonight there was a pool tournament at a very smoky small place.
There was a tiny little pixie of a girl, celebrating her birthday, so genuine and dear.
And toothless Mark, who got more than just his two front ones for christmas; he looks like a new man.

And the kid who thought he knew me, but he didn't.
Or maybe that was a pickup line....? ha. maybe.
But he looked familiar, and his last name wasn't Durden, but I checked, cuz Tylers must get that a lot.
and then when I say I'm a writer, i get a good lesson in why not to be quite so pretentious because you wouldn't believe how often people will say, "oh, everyone tells me that I should write a book about my life."
No.
Sorry, dude.
Your life is just your life, and it's not that special.
You gotta have soul, you gotta have purpose.
Why the fuck do you think I haven't written a book yet, and why the fuck do you think there aren't 8 million memoirs lining the shelves?
No one cares that you did drugs and now you don't. Whoopdee frigggin doo. It's how the story's told that matters.
I'm an asshole, aren't I?
Yes, but that's just my attempt at balancing my life because you see, I was married to an asshole and now I'm not, so therefore I need to be both the asshole and the sweetheart, kind of like being both the mother and the father. Ha. That was a bad joke. Truly terrible.
But I'm good at terrible jokes.
And I'm terrible at good jokes.
But more than that, I'm terrible at pool.
And suddenly I have to pee and want some food and I want to stay up all night watching movies, but I'll be asleep 5 minutes after I get in bed, and for the moment I wish I had a man in my bed for just those 5 minutes, so I could grind into him and then kick him out. With a wink. Never would I really just gobble up and discard a precious Man Creature--they are delicacies to be enjoyed for a long time...
I am insane.
Yay!

I had something to say about the rockstar-pimp that frequents the bar we went to, something about how his hotness sizzles across the room and leaves you with freezer burn along the length of your neck and up into the corners of your mouth, your tongue dancing in your mouth, trying to leap out and down his throat or his pants or dear god, wherever he wants it---
fuck, he was god-like.
And his wife makes me seriously reconsider my sexual orientation.
They are this power couple, of hotness.
Fortunately she is amiable and inclusive and we hit it off...actually we pissed off the God of Sex by cheering her on in her victory against him in pool. I must have been drunk because I was very comfortable joking with him about the scowl on his face as she whomped him. And I must not have been very drunk because I didn't even once ask him if I could lick him.
Which is what I wanted to do.
Anywhere--hell, I'd lick his elbow, just let me touch that skin!
Ok, someone's horny.
not mentioning any names, but her initials are--
me.

I'm just glad I got my drinking out of the way early.
Now I can stay home and watch movies all weekend in my pajamas...
It's going to snow from now until next month.
February starts in about 6 days, but that's still a lot of snow.
Good for the skiing, right?
I wonder if I'll be divorced by then?
I will celebrate by buying a plane ticket to hawaii.
I have friends there--
a dear friend whose husband is forever in my heart because he knows my beautiful sister and he dubbed ME the "prettier sister"! No. Way. Lived my life in her shadow, folks, and that explains a lot doesn't it?? But the point is, I'll never forget that Irish bastard for sharing his preference. Sniff. I love you guys!!!

Ok....
I'm going....
good night.....

They call me Mellow Yellow...

2008-01-13T21:44:00.000-05:00

quite right.

No, they really don't call me that.
I know I've mentioned this before, but I really have no clue who "they" are, anyway.
I do, however, wish they would quit being so opinionated and involved in everything.
Damn meddlers.

Good weekend, overall.
Spent some quality time with the kids yesterday, or rather, let them spend some quality time with their friends at an indoor jump around and be crazy place.
It was awesome.

I did not make it skiing Thursday, because I realized I had some grocery shopping to do and I sort of lollygagged around and missed the window of opportunity in which to go skiing...
I'm such a day dreamer sometimes.
Anyway, I may try again tomorrow.
My horoscope suggested that I be responsible tomorrow instead of giving in to my urge to play, but who really takes those things seriously???
So.
We'll see.

Today was a day of cooking and lounging.
It was lovely.
I played with the kids some, and fed them a gorgeous dinner--
which, oddly enough, they appreciated!
They always do...and yet it never fails to move me and shock me that they are aware of the difference between Mom's Juicy Roast Beef and Freshly Mashed Potatoes and macaroni and cheese from a box...
Ok, it shouldn't shock me; they are NOT morons.
Anyway, it's cool to be appreciated.

I wish my head would stop spinning.
I am excited for this beautiful, fresh new year.
It's going to be a magical one, I can tell!

Well, well, well...

2008-01-10T11:19:00.000-05:00

The Almost-Ex sent me the divorce papers last night.
Everything looks good.
We could be officially divorced in as little as 2 weeks.
Again I find myself with memories rushing down on me, and disbelief.
My future has been wrenched out of my grasp, but only because I wasn't holding on to it.
The thoughts fill my mind, without permission, of all the ways I could have done this better, could have made it work.
And how could I have made it work?
I could have changed the very last speck of Who I Am.
But that just wouldn't do, now would it?
Fuck no.
So now I smile again; see how quickly I can work through this stuff??
(Ok, maybe it helps that I initially wrote that little section in an email to my Dearest friend, who knows the patterns of my soul like the route to work...but either way, writing it cheered me up.)

I am trying to decide what to do with my possible last day of mid-week freedom...
Something about having a job is so thrilling to me!
I know, you guys think I'm crazy.
I just miss being a part of a team and I miss that satisfying feeling of earning money!!!!
I haven't had a real paycheck in 7 years!
The newspaper was fun, but it didn't really pay.
With a job on the horizon and the divorce cruising right along, my financial worries are alleviated, just like that.
I mean, let's don't forget: I've been a tad bit pampered the past few years and haven't had any involvement in my family's finances for nearly ten years...
It always felt a little weird, frankly.
And I am STOKED to be responsible for myself: instead of under his thumb.
I could possibly still take one class...
And maybe I will meditate on that.

It's weird, I don't feel like I have a voice anymore, in writing.
Maybe it's because I'm too accustomed to it, so it doesn't startle me anymore, but maybe it's just gone.

Whatever.

Anyway, the kids don't have school tomorrow so today is my (possible) last day of mid-week freedom, as I was saying.
I really want to go skiing....
Or I could clean/organize the Christmas vomit that has taken over the guest room.
Or I could get in bed and watch movies all day.
Or I could go grocery shopping and to the gym...
Hm.
If I'm going to ski I better commit to it pretty damn fast or it won't be worth my time to go.

Rambling and disjointed?
Who me???
Nah.
Have a great day--

Melancholic Monday

2008-01-07T11:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like You are a song I wrote,
but then I realize it must have been a collaboration,
and I feel a great sense of loss--
you were never really Mine.

But the sun is shining and I have lots to do, so I shall do it!

I went skiing yesterday--and this time I took a friend.
A friend who is a seasoned skier!
Yaay!
A friend who was very patient and very kind in instructing me.
In other words: I got my sea legs back!
I am ready to ski.
I am happily sore and ready to go back again and again until I get very comfortable.

My thoughts are not the most cheerful today.
I feel...a heightened sense of awareness that my husband replaced me and hasn't looked back.
I worry that he is not dealing with this properly, and I also worry that he is trying to change the financial arrangements, the secrurity of which has made it possible for me to not spiral into black depression.
I mean, money is low on my list of priorities in life, but it sure is nice to be able to feed the kids and drive a dependable car and live in a nice little house.
I fear his resentment is growing and his commitment to being "fair" is slipping.
I fear he is hiding money and lying about stuff.

He's probably just mad that I'm not suffering.

I refuse to be eaten up by worries.
I will continue to look for a job so that I feel less dependent on him and more in control of my own future!
I need to decide in the next couple of days whether I can pay for school or not.
I am applying for financial aid, but it's too late for this semester.
Welcome to reality, Lisa.
It's a little scary at times, but mostly I am excited to be a part of the world again.

I am in love--

2008-01-04T22:13:00.001-05:00

With Regina Spektor, sillies.
This woman continues to move me like a U-haul.
But...
if you must know...
I'm pretty content with My So-Called (Love) Life at this precise moment.
I feel calmer, more centered;
yet--
more alive.
This man.
Yes, I've graduated him from the casual term of endearment, "boy", to the more Real term, "man".

I feel.....
like the beach instead of the waves right now.
Smooth, warm, stable...if ever-shifting.

Just spent 2 hours on the phone with the dear friend who lived here for the month of November.
Miss her!
Love that baby of hers.
And she gave me the BEST fuckin' epiphany just before we hung up.
Rock that shit.
It was so amazing.
And I"m going to write it down so I don't forget, and then
I'm going to go to Sh's house and play Tetris til the break of dawn!
Epiphany:
The reason the universe has thrown this perfect man into my lap and then made him unavailable is that I need (in a desert/rain manner) to learn to be ok with me and I need the space to pursue my interests and spend time with friends and--
oh, this doesn't even sound cool on paper, but it's sparky in my head, so whatever.
More later?

The newest addition to my art collection:

One of my faaaavorite artists, who happens to have both a beautiful soul and a beautiful face to match her beautiful creations!
(for the record, I got it for a STEAL at on auction...)

HAAAAAAA

2008-01-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

ppy New Year!!!

I hope this isn't an omen, but I am hungover and my cold has cranked up a notch or twelve.
I feel like shiiiiiiit.
But I choose to believe this is just the last of the previous year's ickiness being purged from my body before I move fully into this fresh, new year!

I think I had some cool shit to say, but then my congested chest and sinuses sort of choked the words from my grasp.
Oh well.

I think I'll snuggle back into my soft, warm bed and watch Hairy P0tter.

Why do I only come here when my thoughts are churning like a tornado on crack???

2007-12-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah...
maybe it's because I think best with my fingers.
It's not very convenient; especially for verbal communications.
Gah.
Why do I keep trying so hard to fuck up my budding relationship???
Answer: probably because I'm not really ready for a new Relationship.
In case you hadn't noticed, it takes a lot of work to sustain one of those over time.
Yeah, I know, it's a shocker.
A fucking new idea, man.
And I'm pretty much tapped on from that last one...
but my reserves are building and I know what it takes, but maybe that's the problem...?
I know too well what it takes...I get tired just thinking about it.

The thing is...
I know I'm worth more of his attention, I just know it.
And I know he digs me.
He really does.
SO WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS THE ISSUE??????
Yes, that is what I would like to scream at him.
But I don't.
I just smile and nod and play Pleasant/Polite/PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Hey, Lisa?
STOP IT.
Speak your mind, you fucking moron, tell him it is NOT OK that he is never available.
(yes, I'm chastising myself here--stand back)
But no, I don't.
I wait until I've hung up and the tears jump out of my eyes and the sobs leap out of my throat and I find myself sitting on the floor in my pitch-dark bathroom, the traffic on my emotional highway merging from sad into angry.
And then, when anger arrives I text him.
Because, don't forget, I'M PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE as a motherfucker.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
Him.
I want him.
And I know he wants me, but Jesus hairy ball sack Christ!
Why didn't someone warn me that dating is PURE, CRYSTALIZED HELL ON EARTH????
God dammit.
Give me back my shitty and unfulfilling marriage cuz I can't take this torture anymore!!!!
I'll call you tomorrow when I'm not so tired. We should talk.
Uh, yeah. Are ya sure??
I mean, technically there are two hours and 31 minutes left in today, the "tomorrow" you mentioned, but no.
Not a word from you.
My hair happens to look so fucking great right now that I'm considering heading out to the neighborhood bar just to let someone else look at me, I mean, they probably don't deserve to be graced with my beauty, but shit, this kind of hair day doesn't happen every...day....that felt redundant.
But whatever.
Not that this is about my hair, or my appearance at all, but still.
At least I have a date for New Year's Eve.
A guy friend who wants to date me...but ya know...I'm hung up on this other fella so it's hard to see him as more than a friend.
It's hard to see anyone else that asks me out as anything but a weak and unsatisfactory replacement for this other fella.
But I guess that's what I get.
That's my punishment for expecting divorce to make me happier.
Divorce is supposed to make you miserable, right??
Right.
So bring it the fuck on, universe--
I'm ready for your worst!

Yeah.

I just want to quiet the inner turmoil.
Feed the demons, etc.
But...that's not what I want.
I want to be happy, I want to be in love.
But maybe the two are mutually exclusive for me, for now.
And maybe this is why I have avoided being in love for the past 14 years...
Because, goddammit, opening oneself up to love deeply just opens oneself up to excruciating pain.
What happened to that Embracing All Emotions attitude that I adopted to nobly face my life as an "artist"?
Yeah.
It's hiding somewhere far away and refuses to grace me with its humble presence and I am cringing here in the bright light of Reality while waiting for the screaming masses of Crazy to descend upon me, as they would if I were really an artist.

Well.
...time for a check-in with the Bright Side Seekers committe, the Silver Panty Liner Gals--
Tomorrow or the next day I should be receiving my new painting.
And today I got a $200 check from Google for my Ads, so even though their very content offends my fickle nature, I will cash that check and party it up!
Happy New Year, indeed!

And now, because I feel it roll off my tongue, may I present:

Poetry for pussies--

Put something in me
Fill me, fuck me
Make me ache
Lick me raw
Shave me smooth.
But do it quick,
cuz I'm tired and sick
of you.

...what?
Did you think I was going to be all figurative and metaphorical and shit??
Nah; that stuff's for pussies.
Heh.

I hereby set myself free of all my angst and all my expectations!
Tonight is mine, tomorrow y'all can come back of you must...
But.
For tonight I choose happiness.
That boy be damned--
he's as scared of commitment as I am and we will find our way soon enough.
Because he...he fits inside my soul like I fit in that corset he loves
and he fits inside my body like sex was invented just to define the phenomenon of Us.
...our limbs intertwining and responding and writhing and---
fuck.
Good thing I replaced the batteries in that one thing...

(yes, I'm as glad to see the Crazy Bitch known as the Bored Housewife as the rest of you...maybe my fatigued and perpetually-on-the-verge-of-tears self will be entertaining to someone...)

P.S. I just composed an "I miss you" email to the Soon To Be Ex...fortunately the tears and snot factory sent me running for tissues which gave me the chance to come to my senses before sending it. Gah. I think this calls for getting drunk and fucking a stranger, whadda ya say? Ok, fine. I'll just binge eat.
P.S.S. My head feels like a block of cheese that has been shot through with a machine gun; no, not Swiss Cheese--the bullets ripping through fleshiness is an important part of the image! The swiss are far too uninvolved to convey my feelings with accuracy. They're terrible marksmen, too.

Head, heart--scrambled

2007-12-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

The crowded smoky room
can't breathe
thoughts pounding too loudly against their bone cage.
The cold air against cheeks
feet crunching through yesterday's still-frozen snow
making tracks in this abandoned Main St of Small Town America
So dark, so still
Thoughts begin to assemble into an order, digestible, comprehensible.
The heart still clenches together, refusing to break.
Too much recent scarring, too many fresh lacerations--
broken and rebroken and as misshapen as a veteran boxer's nose.

All I want (I tell the stars) is for you to reach out
just a little more often.
Let me love you before the dam bursts and all my love crashes over you in seething waves of anger, as hot as the tears
that sear
their way down my cold cheeks.

Everyone wants to love me but you.
And then I almost laugh at my drama--
you do, too, but you know...you know how powerful it will be, how strong and unbreakable, unshakable, un
endable
it will be.

I should just let me heart finish breaking for that man I failed.
That man I never loved right...even if my failure was aided and abetted by his failure and even if we both know this is the right decision, but sometimes I can't believe he's not myfamily anymore he's not my partner (no matter how deficient) and I just want all the sadness out and I know it's almost all gone, I've come far--fast, but I just want the blood to stop pumping straight out of my heart, leaking into my respiratory system, making it so that I can't breathe without choking on my own broken heart.

When tears flow over my neck the salt leaves a red rash...
So hot.

I feel like I am nearing the summit of this mountain, so
close
so
so
close.
When I reach the top, will B. be there?
Yeah...
I believe with all of my heart's broken strength that he will.
But if he's not, I'll be ok.
There are so many fish in this sea that I'm getting sushi envy.

Whew...
That was intense.
I wasn't exactly expecting so much to come out, but it just sort of poured over me.
I hope it was coherant.
...mostly I hope that my words continue to flow
and grow
more beautiful as my wounds heal.

I am still lighter and happier than I've been in years, even with all the leaking of sadness...
So that is why I can smile as I wipe the tears from my itchy neck and feel as comfortable and settled into this life of mine as if it was my destiny.
Oh wait...
*wink*

Merry Christmas, anyone who's out there.
Let's all be thankful for as many things as we can possibly think of today.

No more words--

2007-12-22T02:28:00.000-05:00

Tell me you love me while you're lookin' away!
Ha.

I finally swung by the bar to drop off a thank you gift for the artist who sketched me...a few weeks ago, now.
Feels like forever, but I guess it was just 2 weeks ago.
Hm.
Anyway.
I had just missed him, but the bartender took the little red gift bag with 3 packs of his brand of cigarettes, a sheaf of paper with words from this lil ole blog, and a bill, folded into a bow-tie...
I wish I could commission one of his bronze sculptures...of anything--it wouldn't matter.
The one I've seen is imprinted in my mind, the power of the lines, the grace of the shaping!
I'll have him draw the kids sometime, for my Mother's Day gift to myself, maybe.

And speaking of my growing art collection!
I won a silent auction on a piece from my favorite painter's gallery!
She is one of the dearest human beings on record, and has a soul as lovely as its shell.
Not to mention the way she makes a simple painting come alive--
when it slips along your optic nerve it leaves a trail of glitter
winding through the pathways of your heart and that indefinable place inside where giddiness is conceived,
the images she imagines slip inside you and dance like whole tribe of fertility gods for your own imagination.

Yeah.
And it'll be delivered from Phoenix next week.
I will be breathless til then.
I will tear pictures of my own dear chidren off the wall, because I already know where this gorgeous piece
MUST
hang.

Graffiti I left on the table
at the bar...
with a pencil:

Words--
used to come so fast I tripped over them.
Now they lie behind a rock wall,
dammed...
damned.
Writer's Block isn't even in my lexicon.
But it should be tattooed across my forehead,
or one letter on each knuckle--
a prison tat
for my liberated soul.

And now I'll go shower off the smokiness.
Cuz...
BLECH!
And I snuggle into that giant bed of mine,
and maybe...
I'll dare to dream of the time when I can dare to dream of the time...
when I'll be in love again.

This just doesn't seem real right now

2007-12-19T00:37:00.000-05:00

I mean...
I had my path before me, ya know?
It wasn't the path I wanted, but it was tehre, just the same.
And now it's all gone and I'm happy with my new path, but sometimes I miss the comfort of familiarity.
Sometimes I miss the easy life.

I was just putting jam on a hunk of bread (jam I made, in fact) when I realized that one of the things the SoonToBe never recognized or appreciated about me was that I am considerate.
There are many things about which others have noted, things I value, that he spent 9 years overlooking.
And...
I'm sure there are plenty of things about him that I didn't value as I should have.
But I tried awfully hard to find all the good in him that I could.

Whatever.
I'm just feeling a little weirded out about the fact that Christmas without him will be happier than Christmas was when I was with him--because he was a Grinchy ole Scrooge.
And I have fun presents to open and great friends and family to be around--
and a babysitter for New Year's Eve!
...and a faaaantastic date to spend it with, if I'm lucky.
(Luck, in this case, equals his work schedule cooperating)

Anyway.
I apologize for the touch of a downer, there.
I am fighting off a coldy-flu thing and have spent the last couple of hours apathetically watching some unaccountably good soft-porn.
Ah, wait--I can suddenly account for the apparent quality!
See: fighting off illness.
Ha!
Seriously, though, I watched an episode of 30 Rock and laughed my pubes off and then somehow I stumbled onto Skin-amax...
I can't be bothered to be aroused by it most of the time, and tonight's no exception.
I should write that stuff.

Ok, that's enough of a schizophrenic post for one night, don't you think?

A gnawing orneriness seeps into me, and out of me...

2007-12-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

I feel hungry, but I just ate
I feel tired, but I just slept...
well, no, actually I didn't, but I have been lethargic all day.
The kids won't stop talking, but it's happy talk so I can't actually do anything about it but participate.
We had s'mores for dessert, because someone gave them a S'mores Maker.
It was fun, but my head still hurts.
Maybe I just need to take a long bath--
but no, that thought makes me almost snarl.
I would blame PMS, but we're in the Post stages, and I learned at the age of 13 that the P stands for Pre...
I was a little confused and was complaining of a headache, trying to brag that I had joined the ranks of women, and my best friend's mother asked some time line clarifying questions,
leading me to throw out the word "Post",
and then
she laughed her loud and full laugh at me--
the P stands for Pre, Lisa!
Anyway...
I love taking little strolls down Memory Lane in the middle of a huricaine.

I think I had things to say,
but now I don't.
Life is good, just feel unaccountably icky right at the moment.
Kids are being so loud I can't even remember why I wanted to post earlier...
something about a follow up to my last post...?
Oh yeah--
I got a universal remote and my tv woes are over!
So yay for not buying a $500 tv to replace a $6 remote.
Good girl.

So does that mean you do surgery on dummies?

2007-12-14T19:40:00.000-05:00

That's right.
My best friend successfully defended her disertation yesterday and she is offically
Dr. G!
I am soooo proud of her.
But did you ever think of how hard it is to explain that to a couple of 7 year olds who are hearing about it for the first time??
"So does she work at our hospital?"
...uh, no. She's not that kind of doctor...
So after a few minutes of explaining that she has a doctorate in Philosphy, which is a PhD, rather than a doctorate in medicine (MD) and that makes her sort of an expert in her field rather than what they know of as A Doctor...we were back at square one.
But I still laughed in a barking and exuberant manner--
and, giving up, I just said, "Yes. That's what it means. She does surgery on dummies."
How hard do kids rock??

I am so ready for the weekend.
I finsihed my finals yesterday and then went to the aforementioned defense, and to celebrate after, but I still don't feel like I've had a moment to catch my breath.
I feel like I've been running at top speed for weeks...maybe months.
That's ok.
It's all good.
I'm so ready to relax that I haven't even had the slightest desire to go out tonight.
I am considering it...
but.
Unless I hear from The Boy, I will be happy to stay in, maybe catch up on my tv shows.
Fuck.
That reminds me.
I had to switch to a new satellite provider after ten years with the other one, because the Soon To Be Ex decided to turn off his and our bills were linked, and long story short, the other provider was offering a much better deal.
All went according to plan until I tried to change the channel on my tv so I could program my new remote...
see...I have no remote for the tv, but my old satellite remote was programmed to operate it.
Being the considerate fella that I am, I returned the receiver and remotes to the Soon to Be immediately, so that he could do what he needed to do.
I'm sure you're thinking, "Can't you just change the channel manually?"
Well, one would THINK.
But, no.
The Channel up/down buttons scroll through precisely TWO channels: 20 and 14.
What the FUCK IS THAT???
I've checked the on-screen menu and everything, but there is no way to put it on channel 3, which is the channel the satellite guy told me I needed to use for the satellite...and to program the remote.
So.
I have no way to watch tv in my bedroom.
I can watch DVDs, but not tv.
It makes my chest want to growl.
I keep doing everything I can to make this go smoothly for that Asshole and what does he do?
Tells my kids highly inappropriate things, spends his whole visitation weekend ignoring them, and pulling rugs out from under me left and right.
Could it be a hell of a lot worse?
Yes.
It absolutely could.
I just wish I would learn to stop trying so hard to make everyone else's life easier.
Cuz no one seems to give me the same courtesy.

....would you like a glass for that, or do you just want to pop the cork and chug it?
(sorry)

Cuz, actually, the satellite guy went out of his way to make sure I had the remotes I needed and the tv setup that I preferred, even though it was out of the ordinary.

I got all my Christmas packages in the mail today!
And priority mail was only a little more, so they'll all be there in time for the holiday!!
yay!
I just hope I addressed them all correctly...heh.

Later, fuckers.

Ssshhh....

2007-12-08T15:23:00.000-05:00

Don't tell anyone I'm here...
I just really felt like being this Me today.

I love the way I feeeeel
when I write here.
This is where I became myself, where I expelled all of my neuroses and fantasies from the corners of my soul, offering them to the world for examination.
My voice lost its dimension as I battled against the vise grip of my deteriorating marriage and I tried wearing other monikers, but none ever felt right.
So, I'll see how I feel about writing here...
I miss it.
I miss the way I felt here.

So.
Here I am, coming quickly upon the 5 year anniversary of the start of this blog, and I am ready to return to it.
I am no longer a wife (well, technically I am, but in reality, the term 'Wife' has been fading from the place it was etched on the epidermis of my soul for quite a long time).
I am no longer bored--not only am I in college full time, but now I have joined the ranks of the toughest broads in America: Singler Mothers!
Woot!
We rock, girls, just so you know.
Anyway, the point is:
I am neither a wife, nor bored.
So I guess that just leaves House...
Can I go by "House"??
...I am not British, I don't have a limp, nor do I look sexy with stubble on my chin.
I also was not in Stuart Little and I can be witty at times, but I tend not to be cruel with wit, especially to people who are sick or dying.
Sheesh!
So...
I guess House is out.
I could be the Post-Marital Syndrome Bored housewife...
snort...
the PMS BHW!
Ok...well, I'll think of a name.
Maybe I'll stick with Lucky Star or Back in Black,
but this site...
kids, there's just something about this place, ya know?
It feels like home.
I could be the Un-Bored House(un)Wife...?
I'll find something that feels right, I'm sure.

Today is a lovely, warmly snowing day.
B. is enjoying his first day of snowboarding and if I close my eyes I can feel the wind rushing past him, and see his grin--it's the easiest way to imagine him since he is such a smiler...
Insert dopey, smiling Siiiigh......

I am falling, but not as gently as the snow.
I am falling haltingly, giddily.
Lurching forward, I fall into this great, gaping crevice in the mountain...

What a week, what a month--
what a bloody YEAR!
I am going to celebrate the end of this year with the fire of new life burning through each cell of my body.
Time to start again, and ready or not, new year,
here
I
come!

Life is good.
I have reached a new level of comfort with this life of mine.

Wow...the snow is falling in giant clumps, so soft and light.
It's going to pile up fast...
tomorrow will be some fucking awesome skiing!
...for people who know HOW to ski.
*grimace*
I will plan on taking a lesson as soon as I get there.
(And remind me to check to see when my Linguistics final is due...)

Life is one big ball of chaos, here, but it's a shiny, pretty one.
D. is moving away today,
Je. is moving away tomorrow...
Ja. is coming tomorrow to visit for the week, and then it's almost Christmas
and then it's New Year's Eve...
And 2008 will be here and we get to have a new President!

Wine and deep thoughts,
karaoke and deep laughs.
Dancing and pool--
the guy who used only one hand, because his skill is so refined that it isn't fair otherwise.
There was the karaoke dude,
with news of his far away friend.
There was my date, and his passion...
And there was the moment He told me something that made me shiver.
And on the way home he dozed a little and slid his hand down my pants and the music was soft and soothing and then we got to my bed and he awoke with a vengeance--
hours and hours of vengeance, in fact.
Daaaaaaaaamn.
At one point I smiled into his glowing face and said, "No one else on the whole planet had sex this good tonight. There's no way."

You could say the divorce really agrees with me.
Hehe...
Also, my kitten is sitting on my desk looking out the window watching the snow...
it's so cute!
Here, I'll show you:

As Tom Petty once said...

2007-09-06T14:27:00.000-04:00

It's time to move on, it's time to get goin'
what lies ahead I have no way of knowin'
but under my feet baby, grass is growin'
It's time to move on, it's time to get goin'.

Also, in the immortal words of the great Robert Plant--

Leaves are falling all around,
Its time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, Im much obliged
For such a pleasant stay.

But now its time for me to go,
The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain,
And with it pain,
And its headed my way.
Ah, sometimes I grow so tired,
But I know Ive got one thing I got to do,

Ramble on,
And nows the time, the time is now
To sing my song.

So, yeah.
I'm closing the door on the Housewife and the Star.
Lucky and Bored, though they may be, they are mantles I must shed.

If you want to find me, please send me an email.

luckystar AT cdadirect DOT com

Thanks for playin'--

Archives and Fantasy Friday still available; scroll down a bit and they're on the right sidebar.

Let's play Ketchup

2007-08-21T11:50:00.000-04:00

Or is that catch up...?
Mustard?
Whatever.

Over the weekend we spent some time with good friends,
some time with his family and some time with mine.
Well, we went to the Ratt-Poison concert with his brother, so that doesn't really count as family time.
Yes, Ratt and Poison touring together!
How fucking hilarious is THAT??
It was interesting.
As a child of the 80s, Poison was a lot of fun, but I had never been into Ratt, so it was hard to get excited while they played.

They put on a pretty good show, but I felt fuzzy and disconnected.
I rediscovered a bit of my energy when Poison took the stage, but I'm feeling so cynical in general right now that it was way too much effort to really be present there and to stop my thoughts from churning.
When they sang, "Something to Belive in" they had a handful of Marines come on stage with them and it filled my head with lots of unwelcome visions.
Standing there so young and so proud in their dress blues, with that signature haircut, I couldn't help but see a familiar face.
And then I couldn't stop myself from imagining the dust and gunfire of the Middle East and I wanted to shove them all into my pocket and run away to Canada to save them from going there...
The worst song, though, was "Every Rose Has its Thorn".
I cried.
As cheesy as it is, it captures so much of what we've been going through lately.
Music is far too inspirational for my own good, I guess.
But at least my husband was drunk, and he's a happy, sentimental, cute drunk.
And at least we snuck onto a golf course and made sweet love under the stars after the show.
I saw a shooting star over his shoulder.

So, yesterday was my first day of class for this new school year.
Summer is not over, I refuse to accept it.
It is still so hot and sunny.
Yesterday it was only in the 80s, though, so that was refreshingly cool.
Bah.
I can't believe I'm saying 85 degrees is COOL.
Anyway, it was a great day.
My circuit training class is pretty fun, although the instructor does not speak English.
It makes question-asking difficult, but otherwise it's fine.
The rest of my classes seem interesting and invigorating and I feel great about the semester!
It's going to be awesome.

Maybe some day I will be a writer again.
For now, I am a student and a wife and a mother.
That is more than enough.

I heard your voice yesterday.
It wasn't really You, but I imagined it was.
I wonder if I'm crazy, or just imaginative.
A little of each probably.
This isn't what I meant to say--
but I find the words stubbornly lodged in my throat.
So many words smashed together that I can't even swallow.
The only way through them is a scream, but it's lying silent, too.
I don't feel like myself; something is missing.
That something is unknown, just out of reach, but maybe I'll find it.

Therapy tonight.
And not a moment too soon, by the sound of that last paragraph.
Heh.
We have a new guy, I don't know if I mentioned it, but he's awesome.
Tonight is just me; should be good.

Today I will do homework and take the boys to the pool.

It is a beautiful day.

Back in black

2007-08-17T15:13:00.000-04:00

and feelin' blue.
Nah, not really, but I like the way that sounds.
It has a nice ring to it.
Back in black, and feelin' blue.
Yup.
I dig it.

I've been playing Yellow Ledbetter on repeat for days now.
Not sure if it's because I love it so much or if it's because I'm avoiding listening to about a hundred songs that make my heart cringe.
Either way, it's working out just fine.
Except for the times that the cringey songs sneak up on me and I have to hurry and turn the station/track.
Cuz what I've solidly committed to recently is that I will not wallow.
I will not excessively FEEL stuff.
I'm not saying I plan on shutting off all emotions or anything,
but being an angsty writer is just not working out so well for me.
It causes all flavors of trouble, is what!
I don't know.
Sigh.
It's like my whole identity is shifting, and I'm trying to coax it back to its most authentic version.
Cuz...I have made some pretty vast changes to who I am over the course of my marriage.
And I think that those changes produced resentment that festered in me without my knowledge.
So.
Time to get back to basics, baby.
Time to stop letting my need to please others interfere with authenticity.
I just need to figure this out.

And I can't stop missing my friends.
And I can't stop wondering how they're doing, and what's going on in their lives.

For a little while there, my mind was about to shatter into pieces the way that my heart has, so many times.
I truly felt like I was losing my grip on reality,
and one of the main reasons for that was the impending loss of my Life As I Know It.
It feels so wonderful to have a clear head again, to feel whole, if damaged.
Bruised rather than broken; I will mend.
I just wish I could have it all.
Mostly it feels good to be reconnecting with the core of me, instead of being so confused by all the blame and guilt and pain.
I spent so much energy trying to assure that I would not be bound to an unhappy life that I ended up pretty unhappy.
And now...
I feel calm.
It has been one month since the day I was supposed to move out and I was invited back for the final time.
This has been a good month.
Slow, steady progress.
I want to succeed and press onward with school.
I want to graduate, even if it's more than ten years after my friends got their first degrees, most of whom have second or third degrees now.
The greatest hope I have is when I feel that I have a partner in parenting; I relish his involvement in the most important part of my life.
We are building new habits and I hope they last.

Boy, oh boy, what a process this has been.

Torn--

2007-08-15T16:58:00.000-04:00

between wanting to bask in the lazy, warm nothing of summer forever
and
needing the kids to be back in school to save my sanity!
They are growing tired of so much freedom, and of each other's constant company.
This is the way of school aged children; I do not feel unique in this regard.
I just can't believe how fast the summer has moved.
Utah is weird (for many reasons, but I'll try not to get sidetracked).
It is so hot here in August that when school starts it is still TOTALLY summer.
It's been in the 90s and 100s for most of the summer this year, which is a little unusual, but it is making it extra hard to get in the right frame of mind for going back to school.
I am still tweaking my schedule for classes, but I will nail it down tonight.
I had myself scheduled for 5 days a week, but I am chickening out.
It is an hour and a half round trip, including the walk to and from the car, and I'd just rather not be committed to making that journey EVERY day.
So I've switched to a 8:30 to 12:40, back to back classes schedule.
My biggest hang up with this new schedule is that the first class of the day is a PE class--circuit training for 2 credits, hell yeah!
But...that means I'll have 15 minutes to shower, dress, and walk to my next class...
Ugh.
I'm a pretty low maintenance gal, so I'm sure it'll be fine, I just have to wrap my head around it.
One of the other new additions is a Philosophy class on logic which will count for my remaining math credit.
I tend to grasp mathematical concepts easily, so I'm not too worried about it, and it'll be a nice change from all the English classes.
Hopefully.

I'm sure that was riveting.

I bought a Pearl Jam album on Monday.
Lost Dogs.
When I put in the first disk I felt very disoriented; it did NOT sound like Pearl Jam.
At all.
It was great, but not very Vedder.
But then Yellow Ledbetter came on and I cranked it and wailed with him and all was right in my world.

An update on the new black car:
I.
Must.
Drive.
It.
I am flooded with adrenaline when I'm behind the wheel of that thing!
For anyone interested in car stuff it's a C32 AMG Kompressor.
I guess that is why the engine purrs like a happy lion...
And that is why I purr like a happy kitty when I drive it.
I have requested joint custody, so we'll see.
I think it's a reasonable request that I get to take the car once or twice a week.
Otherwise I'll end up stealing it and running away to Mexico to have a secret love affair with it!
I mean, I still love my Volvo, but...
I must admit this black fella is much closer to my True Love.
It purrs I tell ya, purrs!!!

Ahem.

I jotted down some stuff the other day that came out like poetry, so here it is, if you're into that sorta thing:

Cries should be rushing out of me--
aural evidence of my sadness.
But they lie tangled in my throat,
Strong hands leave them strangled in my throat.

***

I wander through the terrain of my mind
and find
the path has become tortuous,
the way out is now torturous.
This landscape is alien--
I fear that I have never been here before.

***
And then I wrote a freaky little beginning of a book that sounds way too dark for me, but I may end up using it some day.

I have so much more to say, but it does no good for me to dwell on the things that hurt me.
I will find solid ground again.

This just in--

2007-08-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

Me.
I just got in, that is.
We had planned to go to a B&B in the mountains next weekend to celebrate our anniversary, but our plans changed and we went this weekend and it was loverly.
Beautiful spot, delicious food, fantastic sex, fun excursions.
Unbeatable.

Last week sort of blew chunks, though.

Helped my best friend pack her moving truck, and babysat a couple of my nephews, both activities culminating on Friday morning.
And then...my mother-in-law called to suggest that we take our trip later that day.
It all became rather clusterfucked before it was settled, but it worked out great, so I guess I just can't complain.
Or shouldn't...

Today we golfed, and man, had I forgotten how much I love being on the golf course!
I'm not that great at it, but I'm improving and I have the best teacher, so that helps.
Mr. Anderson is an exceptional golfer.
He's an exceptional athlete all-around, for that matter.
He his unnaturally good reflexes and I have unnaturally poor ones, so it's usually kind of dissatisfactory for us to play sports together.
Golf works out much better than raquetball...

Today marks the one year anniversary of the motorcycle accident which stole our brother from us, so that is where my thoughts are today.
If I can recover from my day in the hot sun I just might drive the sleek black car down to leave some yellow roses for him.

I am distracted by another, poetic loss today as well.
When is it going to be enough?
Will I ever be good enough?
I think Soon and Yes, respectively, but still I sigh.

I am happy.
I have made the right decision for my future.
This is my life, I chose it, and I will live it.

I really ought to see what I can do about the ads

2007-08-10T13:27:00.000-04:00

They seem to be rather...
themed.

****

So anyway.
Mr. husband bought a new car this week--
FINALLY.
I've been wishing he would treat himself to one for so long.
I am thrilled with his choice and can't wait to steal the black, sleek,
German thing from him at every possible occasion.
As long as the little hood ornament doesn't get stolen, we'll be pleased.
Yes, I'm referring to a Mercedes.
How pretentious is that???
He's such a low-key guy that I'm sort of shocked that he would deign to drive such a flashy vehicle, but it is 4 or 5 years old, so I guess that tones it down a bit.
We took it for a drive a couple of nights ago, just to enjoy it and we ended up driving all the way around Utah Lake--the long way.
Let me see if I can find you a map so you can fully appreciate the length of our journey.
I'll show you our intended route and our actual route.
(the red line is our actual route, but then we had to drive east to Santaquin and take the freeway back to Salt Lake City...our intended route was to turn at Fairfield, go through Lehi and back to Salt Lake...)

It was dark and starry and lovely out there,
and we enjoyed the serenity of the heavy blackness.
Once we rounded a bend to abruptly come upon a large owl in the middle of our lane.
Fortunately there were only about 4 other cars on that road the whole night, and the owl has better instincts than a deer, so we avoided collision.
There were jack rabbits aplenty, and one little field mouse type of a creature bounced across our path, but we never hit anything.
Our next surprise came when we were rounding another bend, after we had discovered we were in Eureka (which, incidentally, did not make us shout, "Eureka! I have found it!", but instead remark, "Aw, fuck. We're in EUREKA???").
A large, black beef-cattle lay, bloody side up, across our entire lane.
That one scared the hell out of us, but again we were lucky that there was no oncoming traffic.
Christ.
These events all added up to make me acutely aware of the fact that I have long since outgrown my daredevil ways.
I used to go 90 whenever possible.
I used to change my clothes while driving 90 whenever necessary.
And I thought I was invincible.
I guess that's what they mean by The Stupidity of Youth.
Or whatever they call it.
Anyway.

Today is the day that my best friend is moving to Virginia.
It finally hit me a couple of days ago that she's really going to be gone and it was highly unpleasant, to put it mildly.
She is my biggest link to my past right now--the one person who has known me since I was 13 who is still a big part of my life.
I feel quite lost at the moment.
And very, very lonely.
Well...I would feel lonely if my house didn't have FIVE little boys in it right now.
Gah.
Ok, I'm off to play Monop-yu-ly with Max.
That'll cheer us all up!!

Whoa.
I just got off the phone with my credit card company.
I've been identity thieved!!!
Well, not entirely.
Just this one card.
The woman I bought the painting from actually tipped me off,
by alerting me that the rarely used, $3000 limit card was declined.
At first I just assumed she had had trouble processing it and gave her my debit card number instead.
But when we checked the on-line statement we discovered about $2500 dollars in charges that we didn't make!!
They are obvious--several were made in Utah while we were in Maine, and the rest are in the $100-200 range at gas stations.
It's MY card and I never go into a gas station and buy extra stuff, and even with the atrocious prices they're charging for gas these days, my tank-filling prices is capped at under $60 (just barely!).
So I know those charges aren't ours either.
FUCKERS!!!
I am sort of ranckled about it, but god bless the credit card companies for taking the liability!
If you get two grand in cash stolen there's no one to reimburse you, ya know?
But still.
I want to punch them in the nuts.
Gaaaaaaaah!

7th row, baby!

2007-08-07T12:43:00.001-04:00

The moment they took the stage I felt the thrill of witnessing one of rock's Legends shudder through my body.
I am not specifically a Rush Fan, but I enjoyed every second of their finely tuned and energetic performance.
You don't have to know their songs to feel the heat coming off the strings of that bass.
I recently read a book Neil Peart wrote about his bicycle trip through West Africa, so his was the most familiar face to me.
I couldn't shake the Ozzy Osbourne meets John Lennon look of Geddy himself, but it made him feel more familiar, which was cool.

I took a little self-portrait of Mr. and I, but the sun kepting jumping up and down behind us holding up rabbit ears, trying to ruin the shot.
Fucking SUN!

I darkened it up a bit because I think it's a cool shot of us anyway.

Two weeks from yesterday my classes will start.
One week later the kids start school.
Here.
We.
Gooooooooooo!

Oh, what a busy weekend it has been!

2007-08-05T17:50:00.000-04:00

And it's not over yet!
Mr. and I are going on a date tonight.
(I would put an exclamation point there, because I'm excited about it, but I can't feel good about ending 3 sentences in a row in such a spazzy manner. Sorry.)

On Friday I made this blueberry pie, which may have been the best one I've ever made, to date:

Yes, those are lobsters...

Oh, I just can't even tell you how much fun yesterday was!
(crap, there's another one...well, fuck it. Just know that every time I use one, it's sincere, ok? Ok.)
So J. and I went shopping yesterday in Park City.
There are outlet stores there, which turned out to be
way
more
fun
than I had thought it would be!
Were the stores a bit crowded?
Sure.
The prices, however, were just lovely.
I had a bit of an orgie with Ann, Tommy, Calvin and a bunch of others without such easily anthropomorphizable names.
Heh.
Hey, the kids needed school clothes, and so did I!
I just figured out why high maintenance chicks are so bitchy, though--
it's because shopping really takes it outta ya.
Damn.
We were exhausted!
Carrying around all those bags all afternoon, from store to store to store to store...
whew.

But that was FAR from the best part.
The best part was after the other awesome part, but hold on, let me do this in order.
So then, weary and hungry and with a car full of bags, we headed for Park City's Main St. where the Arts Fest was underway.
I was in search for My Artist!
But first we needed dinner.
So we paid $84 to park right next to our favorite italian place as a huge splurge because it would be our Going Away dinner of sorts, only to find out that they were inexplicably--and unexplainedly--closed.
CLOSED.
On a Saturday, in a tourist town, during an Arts Festival???
Whatever.
So then we kept walking and inadvertently got into the Arts Fest for free--
I swear we were just looking for an open restaurant!
Anyway, we ended up walking about halfway up the street (the center of which was filled with the artists' booths) before seeing a place that was both open and inviting.
It was a little dollop of serendipity on the top of our exquisite day--
the best salmon I've tasted in years, with outdoor seating and an impressive wine list.
When we finished eating we had about 30 minutes to finish cruising the artist booths in an attempt to find The Artist.
Just 3 or 4 small tents beyond our restaurant, and there she was!
So we looked at her paintings and I told her I had come here specifically to see her paintings and to try to get my husband on board with buying one.
When I found the one I wanted, she urged me to take it home so I could let him see if he loved it, too!!
So I did.
(she kept my credit card info so she could just run it when I decided and, obviously, as protection against theft)

And he agreed that it is stunning!

And we are going to keep it!!
I can't even describe the euphoria I am experiencing still.
She is only the second artist who has so moved me, and the first will be my second acquisition.
There were other artists there whose work I would be thrilled to possess, but we must start somewhere, and why not start with my favorite?

So then today I got the wild notion of putting on my Fairy Godmother(fucker) costume and getting a better shot of it.

What do you think?
I have wings!
And don't give Red Bull the credit, they're all my spirit.

Somewhere over the rainbow--

2007-08-03T13:41:00.000-04:00

(and I don't mean casino!)

That's where you'll find me.
Or something.
I am still not feeling very writey, but oddly enough this place feels familiar and anonymous all at the same time!!!
Wild.

Coolest Hard Rain moment last night, just moments after we finished erecting (heh-heh, I said "erect"!!) our new porch swing.
Well, not a porch swing per se, because it's not on the porch, but I'm not sure what else to call it.
Like this, only nicer.
But cheaper.
How 'bout that?
Gotta love Clearance sales!
I've been neeeeding one of these for a very long time and I am just bubbling over with joy at the prospect of relaxing on it every evening from now until the snow flies.

Today marks the final day of my Help-J-With-Her-Dissertation-Research Saga.
It's been fun, and I loved doing it, but my kids are sure glad it's over!
They have been seriously missing me, since it's been taking a big chunk out of my waking time.
I can't believe she's actually
really
truly
moving 2,000 miles away.
That's like, 4.3 billion kilometers or something.
Wah. Sniff. Pout.

On the plus side, I bought a book called something like "How To Figure Out What You Want to Be When You Grow Up, You Stupid, Stupid Girl--What Are You, Like, 14 YEARS POST HIGH SCHOOL NOW???"
It'll be fun.
It'll probably just give me even more career options to not be able to choose between.
Writer?
Chef?
Porno Actress????
Ha.
Sorry, those were just the highlights of my strengths...

Life is good--here.

In Maryland a new life entered my closest extended family:
a tiny little baby boy, completing the set for my sister and I.
Our combined four sons have all been born in the second half of July!
Some day we will live near each other and have joint birthday parties--
and even further down the road, they may all party together and have joints, but that's anotherh story!

And in Ohio a dear friend lost her father to the relentless armies of cancerous cells which would simply not stop marching against him.
At a mere 40 years old she is now completely orphaned.
I ache for her losses, reminded to cherish my own dear parents.

And so is the circle of life...

The answer is obvious

2007-03-02T11:04:00.000-05:00

I am, once again, a housewife.
Bored?
Eh.
Not usually.
But...
for some reason this site is calling to me again.
Like the last doughnut from its perch on a sun drenched countertop.
Or a crisp 50 in a smoking pocket.
Or my phone.
No, really, my phone is ringing; hold on.

I have stories.
Bloggable stories!
And yet, I haven't been blogging.
I just wasn't feeling it.
And maybe I'm still not, but for the moment I am here and I'm feeling like writing.
Etc.
Or whatever.

So a couple of days ago my husband took my Volvo (a.k.a The Vulva) in for its scheduled maintenance (a.k.a I had my period...just kidding, we really talking about the car here!!) and they informed him it was 60,000 mile tune up time AND we were getting new tires.
He walked out of there about $1500 lighter.
I hate dealer service prices.
The cost of the maintenace was $800.
For a maintenance run???
Bah.
I guess I'm not used to owning a car that's worth the effort.
This one is.
And I can't believe I've put 25,000 miles on it in 10 months...
how the hell did I do that??
oh, maybe it was more like 20, but still.
Sheesh.
It does, incidentally, drive like a knife through warm butter now.
I have never stopped wanting to make sweet love to that car, and I am more in love with it than ever right now.

Um...
I thought I said I had bloggable stories??
Well, here's one:
The other night we put the kids to bed and almost immediately started going at it like teenagers on meth, and 20 minutes later or so the kids knocked on the door.
We halted activities and breathlessly asked what they needed.
They hemmed and hawed and we let them in and they were laughing and they wanted a drink and maybe a snack and blah blah blah.
They asked us what we were doing...
we shamelessly lied to them and told them that we were just playing tackle and Dad was tickling me...ok, so we left out part of it, but that was basically what was happening!!!
And then Max said, "How can your children sleep if you're playing tackle and SCREAMING???"
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Busted.

I took my husband's wedding band in and had an inscription put on the inside of it.
The jeweler got very serious and said, "You are putting that on this ring?"
I affirmed.
"That is beautiful (still very serious). More people in the world should feel that way about someone."
Aw....
It was so cute, but I still can't shake her intensity.

Um...
I think I had more stories.
Oh well, that's enough for one day.

Tonight hubby is going out with friends so I think I'll play WoW with his ten year old.
Tomorrow night we're having friends over to celebrate his birthday and the birthday of one of the women in the group.
I'm making gourmet pizzas from scratch (I'm big into bread dough lately; don't ask) and an ice cream cake.
Sounds like a kids party until you see the fresh mozzarella and the fanciness of the cake...
I am burning him a (purchased) downloaded CD he was asking for right now.
We're going to go shopping together to buy him some new clothes (and hopefully me, too....I'm such a brat...most of his presents are for me: cologne, toys, tickets to the one-man Star Wars trilogy, The Departed...).
And on Sunday we'll take the kids to see an IMAX movie at the planetarium and go eat smoewhere fun and have cake, etc.
I love birthdays!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

4 years....

2006-12-19T10:43:00.000-05:00

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my very first post.

I love the story of how I started blogging,

because it is a story of intense curiosity, mild crushes, and the start of my writing "career."

Having this blog changed me.

I would say for the better, because it has stretched my horizons so wide that my sun sets and rises on the same plane.

I wish I had The Bored Housewife Chronicles ready, so I could celebrate this day by giving away some copies, but I don't.

I have not planned ahead at all.

But I will be celebrating in my heart, and I hope that you will join me!

I could go on and on and wax sentimental, but I think I'll keep it brief.

It's been surreal.

Here is my first post:

December 19, 2002 1:43am

So now that I have the page up and running, I have run out of things to say. No, it can't be. I have never before run out of things to say. I think the pressure's just on. Let me introduce myself, just in case anyone decides to read this. My name is Lisa and I'm a housewife in the western United States, Utah, to be precise. I'm a New England native, and frightfully proud of it. Utah is pretty fun, but I miss the ocean, good seafood, good bars, and, well, lots of other things--including Dunkin Donuts...yum. I have 2 year old twin boys, which is why I get to be a housewife. They are so much fun, and you'll probably end up hearing about them from time to time, but not to a Kathie Lee extent, I promise. The only other thing I have going on in my life is daily trips to the gym--trying hard to get my pre-child-bearing body back...going pretty well, and I enjoy the diversion, so it's a good thing. Also, I'm writing a novel. That is a trip. Okay, so I guess that's all you need to know for now. I'll get on to the good stuff.

Since it's the middle of the night, and I'm not even sure if this is going to work, I'm going to be lazy today. I'm going to post some excerpts from emails i wrote earlier today. yes, I'm lazy. It's 1:32 am and i have to get up in a while. i'll be less lazy next time i post. i swear. a lot, actually.

Going out is pretty lame around here, anyway. Try living in the fucking bible belt of the rockies. There are about 100,000 people in this county and guess how many bars? Just guess. I want to hear a number, god damn it. No, you’re wrong. There are 8. Yup. Most of them are total red-neck, cowboy dives, too. And live music? Shit. That’s what there is for live music. It’s a sad, sad thing. The other sucky thing about going out here is that there are virtually no restaurants that are not national chains. Except for Mexican—there is definitely good Mexican here. Perhaps that’s because there are lots of Mexicans here. Uh, anyway, the food here sucks and so do the bars, but we manage to have a great time anyway. Like, last weekend we went to some Elk’s club function (talk about rednecks and cowboys—and OLD PEOPLE!!!!) to see a friend of a friend do some belly dancing. That was a good time. And there are some truly phenomenal outdoorsy things to do. Like the hot springs—nature’s hot tub nestled in the top of a mountain, bubbling up from a river, with a waterfall pouring in…It’s so amazing. That is probably my favorite thing to do here. Especially since there are usually a bunch of fat, 40-ish naked white guys enjoying the soak with you…the funniest part about that, since we live in the aforementioned bible belt, is that there are signs all the way up the 2 mile trail warning of possible nude bathers. I ruefully laugh every time I see those signs. To me they mean, “If you don’t like it, leave!!!” Prudish assholes.

It doesn't usually get as cold here, and there has never once been a blizzard. It cracks me up, though, because anytime there's a snowstorm people will say it's a blizzard, and really it's just snowing. That's all--32 degrees, no wind, and a lot of snow gently falling. Blizzard? Shoah. No one drives right in the snow either. They tailgate and speed in the middle of a snow storm. It makes me very nervous. They don't put sand down, either. They plow, but there's tons of roads and not enough snowplows (in my opinion), and they always wait until it stops snowing. So, no, we don't get storms like Maine. No ice storms either, which I LOVE!! Nothing is more beautiful than the morning after an ice storm with the whole world sparkling. The skiing is good here, and it's nice to have mild winters.

Okay, I guess that's it for now. Not much in the way of a great first post, but hey, I gotta set the bar low, so I have somewhere to go.

(can you tell the email I ripped off was to a friend in Maine?? It was to the friend who was unknowingly responsible for my discovery of blogging and NaNoWriMo...and on whom I had a bit of a crush. hee...)

Thanks for playing.
I wonder how many of us will still be blogging in 4 more years?

Come See me!

2006-10-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

My new blog is Lucky, Lucky Star

You could also click here, if you want to feed my stupid ego.

Ahem

2006-09-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, so there were a lovely bunch of you who requested directions to the new place, back before I had decided where to go.
However.
Not a one of ya left an email address.
This I discovered after crafting the following email to send to you:

Hi everyone!

Sorry I took so long to get this out to you, I just wasn’t really sure what the final decision was going to be. Hell, I’m still not sure. But for now, Lucky Star is it. Thank you all so much for wanting to continue on this rollercoaster-on-crack journey of mine! I wish I had more time to read blogs…there are so many of you that I don’t read enough and I miss you.

Feel free to link me; I’m not hiding so much as finding some breathing room. ?

Be well.
Party on, Wayne.

Starsarelucky.blogspot.com

You guys are a bunch of dumbasses.
Good thing I'm one, too!!!
Love ya.
I guess I'll have to work to get the word out, and that's never a good thing for me.
Lay
Zee.
...kinda like Jay-Z...but less motivated and mogul-esque.

Ok, then.
I'm off.
Like your MOM's prom dress!

2006-09-20T12:19:00.000-04:00

seahorse

I have moved.

Snow!

2006-09-16T11:41:00.000-04:00

Snow!

If you're looking for ME, click here.

Sober.

2006-09-12T17:43:00.000-04:00

And not in a "clean and--" manner.
More like...somber and serious.
For the first time in nearly 4 years, I am ready to shut down this blog.
(That sounded a lot more dramatic than I intended...)
I will start a new one and give the address to anyone who is on my sidebar,
or has made multiple comments.
It's probably time to shed the "bored housewife" skin, anyway,
since I am far from bored and barely even a housewife these days.
I am a student and a shitty-but-hoping-to-improve journalist.

I wish I knew how to disable comments for a while or to hide all my posts without deleting them.

I am floating in the thickness of air which lies somewhere between "Humble" and "Humiliated".
Not a bad place to hang out, all things considered, but I'd like to find the door.

Everyone be on your best behavior, if you please.
I did indeed open up the Pandora('s-dorky-cousin)'s Box of a blog and invite...
somewhere near all of the other writers at the newspaper into it.
As I said, before I realized how scathing my newspaper-related blog posts were, they really are more than welcome here.
This is me.
Well...part of me.
I am much more mouthy on here...

--Back to your regularly scheduled program--

Parents due to arrive in about 48 hours.
I have forgotten to even feel excited about this, so I will take a moment to do so.
---
-
--
Ok.
Consider me stoked.
Once a year is not often enough.
I will be thankful for this additional visit, even though it's short.

Will continue pondering the change of venue, and keep you all posted.
I have a really cool domain name that I've been wanting to use full-time,
so maybe I will.
Maybe I'll let go of something before it kills me...
for once.
Eh, maybe not.

Well.
I think I'll go cook dinner, and pretend that none of the dear, sweet kids from the paper have ever seen this page or any of its...dubious contents.
Ack.

p.s. after receiving a bunch of "wait for me!" comments, let me add: I will share the URL with any- and everyone who asks.
And...now that I've had time to calm down, I think I'll go ahead with the move--
but I'll do it because it's time to shake things up, and not because I feel naked and exposed in front of a bunch of people who I'll see in real life but who don't actually know me...that's a freaky-fucking feeling, in case any of you haven't experienced it.

Here's what I need: Someone who knows how to transfer archives from here to another site...anyone...?

p.p.s. I realized that I should probably explaina little bit about what happened.
To summarize: I was extremely stressed out about, well, about life in general and specifically about the new expectations associated to my job at my school newspaper. I have no excuse for venting so ruthlessly here, but I hope the bigger picture can be understood. I am a giant lame-o who doesn't deal well with change--takes me a minute to adjust to new ideas and expectations. I was emotionally drained and attempting to drag myself and my two unrulier-by-the-second 6 year olds into Back To School Mode after a long and...unruly-making summer. I know, poor me. I am a baby, I guess. Anyway, it was just a lot for me to wrap my head around--I was scared of trying to switch my focus from reviews to previews and I began doubting that I was even doing a good enough job for it to be worth it to continue. I began wondering if I had the energy to do what it would take to be good at this job and its new responsibilities. All I wanted to do was sit in the cab of an abandoned truck and listen to CDs that don't belong to anyone anymore and cry for all the unspoken conversations, all the days I could have hugged but never did. But I couldn't wallow forever and we had to clean out more of his stuff from the garage this weekend and the truck is gone. Gone. I hate that I finally get my privacy back at this cost--I didn't mind, I really didn't. But I feel guilty for being happy to shower with the door open, and I feel guilty for being glad to have a guest room to offer my parents tomorrow...yes, in a house this size, we really only had one extra bedroom. Fuck, how did this turn into this? I guess...it's still heavy on my mind and in my heart and I don't care who I'm talking to right now. However. I wish I had expressed my concerns to my editor instead of trying to sort through it all first. I wish he knew how highly I really think of him.

September Eleventh

2006-09-11T18:14:00.000-04:00

The first thing that struck me about the day was the date.
9/11
911
It was surreal,
and sad in such a large and encompassing way that it was almost too much to fold it into me.
I am so sorry for the thousands of people out there who lost someone (or more) close to them that day.
I am so sorry for the thousands of people who are still afraid to fly because of it.
I am so sorry for the people who believed with all their hearts that they are right and we are wrong.

***********

Now.

My brain is on fire.
I guess I should watch who I mind-fuck.

Yes, yes, I know--
I'm hilarious.
Actually, I wouldn't know how to mind-fuck if you gave me a Mensa Kama Sutra step-by-step manual.
Unless you're talking about dirty thoughts, cuz I have plenty of those,
and I know how to share them.
But.
that's not what mind fucking is.
Why am I stuck on this subject???

Odd...I am so accustomed to being flighty that talking about one thing for more than 2 seconds make me feel stuck in a rut.
I'm a weirdo.

A weirdo who would like very much to be asleep right now.
I think I have had too many late nights and not enough late mornings recently.
I shall work to rectify that.
I took down a couple of posts today, because I fear I may have opened the door and ushered in some newspaper-related guests.
That's ok.
They are actually more than welcome here, but I am sure you know the posts I am referencing.
Ugh.
I was just venting...

How about if I stop being such a self-centered bitch?
How are YOU GUYS doing?
What's new with you?
I want to know.
Tell me what you did over the weekend, and make it good--
we can have a little round of, "Lie or Lay",
and you can either tell a lie or get laid.
er.
No, back up.
You can tell a lie or tell a truth...and I'm not sure what "lay" has to do with that, but I like the way it sounds.
And feels.
And...
uh...

Ready, Set, Go!!

edit:
Um. It's official...
If I would have read my horoscope today, it would have said, "You're an ass. Stop talking."
Or something like that.
I should write horoscopes.
Or be a "Dear Abby" impersonator.
Or just crawl back in my hole and revel in my creativity...
where did it go?
I had some once, I know.
Back...
so long ago.

Domestic Goddess: I have far less on my plate than you do, which is why I have time to blog...it does little to explain why I weigh twice as much as you, though.
Who's the third founding father??
I watched Bowling for Columbine today and blushed.
And...this project is amazing...You are truly a Goddess.
Why am I answering comments in an addendum to my blog post?
Why am I sitting here at all, when I have Astronomy homework to finish and a tooth-aching husband to hang out with??
Ok, I'm off.
Like a prom dress.

I logged in because I had something to say

2006-09-09T19:00:00.000-04:00

But that was an hour ago...
really?
I think my time stamp is off.
It feels like it was at least 3 hours ago.
Hm.
Whatever.

The point is, I am marginally "over" my tantrum from yesterday.
I realized I can't quit, because I have a 3 credit class which is tied into working for the paper.
Bah.
So much for my "I don't think I'm what you're looking for" speech.
Besides, that's bullshit.
I'm not sure what's going on, but I know he (editor) knows I can write,
and I know he knows I can do this job.
What I don't know is why the fuck I'm having such a hard time interviewing people.
Ok, so I've only had a few tries, and really no idea what the hell I'm looking for when I go into it, and that couldn't be good.
I guess I am just going to have to try to get by on reviews and a few opinion pieces...

Ok, I'm finished with that rant.
For now.

I have a much more exciting and creative project underway, anyway.
Outweigh,
Thatway
Yourway?
Whatever.
I'm brainstorming and will let you know if/when it turns into anything.
All that matters is that it's going to be fun and hard.
My favorite...
ha.

I am glad it's Saturday night, because that means the chances of anyone reading this drivel are very slim.
I cannot promise a better post next time, but I will sure try.

Whoever mentioned doing a story on my dentist did not have a bad suggestion--
he IS an alumnus, after all!
And a former Chronicle reader, to boot.

I also loved amusing's suggestion for a story, but...
since I'm supposed to be doing theatre previews, articles, and reviews, I don't think that'll really fly.
And it's precisely why I have no desire to be a journalist.
The news has always frightened and baffled me--
the collection of it, the presentation of it.
Shut up.
I'm serious.
I'm pretty sure it was just last week that I was proudly declaring that I should change my major to journalism because it was my true calling,
so....
seriously, who's slipping me the Crazy Pills?
Is it the same person who's giving me Memory Loss and Weight Gain Pills????
Fuckers!!!!!

Ok, well, that was my hot date on the phone.
She'll be here shortly, to escort me to tonight's play.
Do not let the fact that she's a former lesbian influence your interpretation of those statements.
Unless your name starts with a....
Heh.

Oh, I suppose I should mention how I've spent my day:
luxuriously swaddled in high thread-count sheets, in enough positions to make your head spin.
Well, they made MY head spin.
Seriously.
Almost blacked out at one point.
there were also movies and breakfast-in-bed and a bath for me/nap for him.
Very
very
Nice.
We haven't had a gooood lazy day in a while,
and we needed it.

I got home yesterday and the truck was not in the driveway.
I was slammed in the gut with a brief urge to puke, but it passed as soon as I realized hubby had probably just taken it for some cargo-related errand, but...
gah.
This morning we were watching VH1 Classic and Quiet Riot, "Cum on Feel the Noise" came on.
I didn't cry, but I was sucked into reminiscing about the funeral.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I am so emotional about this...
I'm a deep-feeler.
And it's strange but I really like crying.
It's when I think about him without feeling sad that I get freaked out.
I panic--"why doesn't it feel like he's gone?"
Oh, I also took the opportunity of a long drive last night to cry loudly.
Hadn't done that before.
It felt good to let out the barking sobs and suspiciously wail-like sounds.
And meanwhile I keep putting off sending an email to all the brothers to ask them for (content) contributions to the book I'm making.
Blah.

Hey, you're welcome!
If I can bring anyone down on a Saturday night, that just makes my day.
I think I need to start a blog for my thoughts on him.
Ok, maybe I already started one...
I just need to get un-lazy and use it.
Do you even know how hard it is to post to more than one blog????
Jesus.
it's like...so crazy, that you have to add extra syllables--
Cuh
ray
zeeeeeeeeee.
Trust me, it's nearly impossible.
I have like 8 with this account, and I
nev
er
use them.
I don't want to hear your success stories, so keep 'em.
In fact, keep the damn things
AND
fuck riiiight
off.
Or on, I dont' really care.

Ok, see?
I'm cheerful.
Be cheerful, too.
I'm going to go enjoy a super fun play with a super fun friend.

It's a grey day

2006-09-08T10:03:00.000-04:00

And I'm feeling a little frustrated.
Hopefully I can do better next time.
Hopefully I can learn how to interview people...
Fuck.
So, that restaurant I was supposed to write about?
Turns out it wasn't supposed to be a review after all.
I don't know how much more of this I'm willing to put up with, honestly.
I was not told it wasn't a review--
I was told to interview the guy and see what I could find for a story.
Guess what this SEASONED, 2-interview journalist found from a couple of guys who only wanted to talk about the restaurant?
Nada.
Not a damn thing.
I will share in the blame:
as I said, I am new to interviewing.
Not only that, but I never read newspapers, so I don't even have the feel of what a "good" news story is.
I also didn't know I was supposed to be WRITING a news story.
I thought it was supposed to be an overview of the place, with some history/background info.
No mention was ever made of "Hey, make sure you're not writing a review."
Bah.
I know, D-man, I kow--
that's what writing for a paper is all about.
Journalism sucks balls.
No, I take that back.
I would rather suck just about anyone's (freshly washed and disease-/cootie-free) balls than do this.
And the great news is that I have 2 more interviews to arrange and collect for an article due by Wednesday, and 2 plays to watch this weekend to review--
and then probably get told I am not allowed to review them.
I'll give it a couple of weeks, but after that, I'm hitting the road.
It is sucking my will to write, and I don't really need that.
I do know that I wouldn't want to write for a newspaper again, though.
I need to be my own boss...
("Oh, dear dad, can you see me now? I am myself like you somehow...")

Sorry for the whiney rant...
I should probably have breakfast before reading my stories.
Ok, so not only did I write a pretty great review (well, it had some funny lines, at least) which then got stripped down to the facts of the interview, but THAT got cut just about in half and is left dry and lifeless.
It sucks--hard and with teeth.
I am thinking that maybe the editorial process could be changed.
I don't know.
Maybe he wants me to quit.
Maybe he's trying to get me to quit by making all my articles look like shit.
Maybe someone's paranoid...
It's really a bad article, though.
And I wrote a pretty decent one.
I feel terrible...and this is why I'm ranting.
Do I care if my words are fucked with?
Eh, not that much.
I'm an egotistical writer, sure, but the main reason this is pissing me off is that I looked those guys in the eye (the restaurant owners, and yes, they share an eye, what of it??) and told them I would write a good article.
Because I know how to write.
I forgot the tiny little part about the editor and his axe.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I feel like I let them down.
And I tried hard not to, but they aren't going to know that.
I'm half-tempted to take in a copy of what I originally wrote, just so they know I tried...but all that does is make the paper look bad.

I hate it.

I have a dentist appointment at 9, shit! I better fucking go shower!! Dammit.
And then...
the gym.
And then...
kids home from school and go pick up babysitter so I can go to my Chronicle class.
Fuck.
I am far too emotional at the moment to talk to the editor, but I really should.
I should also not be writnig about newspaper stuff on here, in case someone finds me.
Oh well.
Fuck it.
I just need to ask him what the hell he wants from me.
It sounds like I missed the greatest year to be on the staff--
last year they had restaurant reviews,
last year they had hilarious, great columns.
For some stupid ass reason, the head editor has said, "No more columns in A&E".
what the fuck???
Those are the best part!!
Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
What do I know?

Ok, like I said, I gotta run.
I have precisely 35 minutes to eat, shower, and dress, so I better run.

Wish me happy teeth cleaning!

Where I would rather be...

More from Hawaii...

Goooood morning, world wide web!!

2006-09-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

One thing I love about being wrenched from my bed at the christless hour of 7:00
(yeah, shut up...I know it's not very early)
is that I now I have the
entire
day
spread out before me.
I have a bunch of homework and an interview with a restaurant owner,
but it feels great knowing I haven't procrastinated
(yet).

Guess what else feels good?
No, not my hands down your pants, but that's a good guess.
Also not your hands up my shirt--
although, I should clarify...
both of those examples would
actually
feel good.
Verrrrrrrry (purr-ifically) good.
However.
My point was that that's not what I'm talking about!
But look at that--I ended up talking about it anyway!!!
ha.
Shows where MY head is, eh?
Ok, so back to the subject...
Well.
Maybe not.
See....I don't remember what the Heff I was going to say!
"was that a typo?" you may be wondering.
Nope.
It's my new curse word.
I mean, shit, Hugh Hefner is an important man in the history of our nation's skewed perception of beauty, and I should think that earns him the right to be a swear word.
He really is a bit of a god...
I mean, how many other octogenarians can live polygamously with two insanely beautiful women??
Sweet.
I probably sounded contradictory just then, but I can't help it.
I'm in awe of the man, fer Hefsake!
Also, if you're not watching "Sexual Healing" on Showtime, then you should be.
It's my current favorite show.
Although..."Weeds" is right up there, and "House" just started a fresh season, so...
wow, it's gonna be tough to get homework done with all those great choices!

Ok, so the original "other" reason it's a good day
(or the object of the "feeling good")
is that I finally found the cable to connet my camera to the computer for purposes of
PICTURE
UPLOAD-a-rama.
Yipppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

And I just remembered that I have a whole bowl full of ripe avocados....
and another full of ripe peaches....
I love good produce.
It makes me almost as giddy as good wine.
Ha.

Ok, so without further ado, here is the famed
Green
Traverse City Film Festival
T-Shirt!!!
Sent by the lovely and fabulous-in-87-different-ways Domestic Goddess,
signed by the boss-man himself
AND a NYT Bestselling author---
I give you---
MY TA-TAs!

Voila!

p.s. Blogger photo isn't taking my calls and Hello couldn't get Blogger to pick up for a while, either, but finally we tricked the dirty ole coot by using *69. Ha! Gotcha, Bloger, GOTCHA.

Sleepy afternoons are for....

2006-09-05T18:24:00.000-04:00

doing homework and tying up odds and ends.
Which is too bad, because I was hoping a sleepy afternoon could be
slept
in.
Like a freshly made bed.

And now I'm being summoned and I have not the energy to return to blogging
upon completion of the task I'm about to perform.
oh, it's a big one:
walk up one set of stairs
find game on computer
See?
Tough stuff.

Happy Labor Day!

2006-09-04T19:53:00.000-04:00

Hiking, pastries and beer, oh my!

Weather like this,

2006-09-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

or whether like that...
ha.
But seriously--
weather like this makes me want to stand up and shout.
Sing, dance, etc.
Will have to think of something fun to do with the kiddos.
Tonight: girl's night out.
Yes, I realize it's Sunday.
But tomorrow's a holiday!
So...we're going to attempt to find some sort of hot spot tonight.
Drinking, possible dancing, possible karaoke.
I haven't had a good Girl's Night OUT in a while.
Tomorrow, a good hike with the J. and then a birthday party for a friend's little boy.
Should be a helluva weekend, all around.

I just found a piece of paper on my desk, as I rounded up little scraps to throw away
(somehow, I've managed to have trash cans in every room of this house except THIS ONE. And I'm the only one who ever puts things in the trash, so I really ought to have one in MY OFFICE...bleh.)
and I'd like to share it with you.
It's one of those hastily scribbled thoughts from a late night of tossing and turning.
Interestingly, it ties in with the thought I had last night:
each of them is expressing my concern over my writer's block.

My once silvery tongue is now more like slivery--
because, perhaps, someone told me that if I licked a tree branch at night
it would turn into.......
MORNING WOOD.

hahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!
Why, yes, I DO think I'm funny, why do you ask??
So then last night I was thinking about it and I began to wonder if the problem was more in my head, or in my own perception that it was a real problem.
I was thinking...
What if the problem is simply that I have stopped dazzling myself?
(and no, that's not a masturbation joke...)
Truly, I think that could be a part of it.
That and the fact that I just haven't written anything exciting in a long time.
So.
I should quit stressing about it and just let it flow...like I used to.
I guess there is no use living in the past.
Just let go and
BE.
Stupid girl.

I am so wrapped up in my own fears that I can't write.
Hell, I can barely even conjure a proper fantasy inside my own head for my own
personal and
immediate
use.
If ya catch my drift.

I don't know if I am meant to live in this world.
This white picket fence world...
it feels like walking around in someone else's life.
But I've had this thought before, and it always ends with my concession that I couldn't be happy if I had as much freedom as I think I want.
Ok, hands up--
who thinks this paragraph is the definition of CRAZY???
Come on, don't be shy. Raise those hands.
Shit, I can't count that high...
Oh well.
I explained it to someone once...
I said I balance on the edge, between appreciating and enjoying my life and wanting
wanting.
And that is how I can write.
but I think that's a lie.
I think I can't feel both contentment and restlessness at exactly the same time.
Within moments of each other, sure.
But not concurrently.
Not simultaneously.
Not synchronized...
I got sick of wanting, and so I stopped.
I don't really dare to Want anymore.
It hurts too much.
So.
Here I am, back at square one: can't write.
My head feels like a whole bag of pretzels.
And I HATE pretzels.
They're so bland...
and TWISTY!

Ok.
Maybe I'll go make eggs for sweet Max and then I'll come sit here in the quiet and open a blank word document and see what comes out.
Maybe.

Good Night

2006-09-01T00:39:00.000-04:00

and....good....crap, what's that word I'm looking for?
good fuck.
Yup.
I wish you all a good fuck.
Everyone needs one once in a while.
Say...once a day or so.

My body is achy, but my mind is clear.
The stress over the newspaper gig has passed;
my editor is the king.
He is giving me the city theatre beat--
and having someone else cover the on-campus stuff, the stuff I was stressed about.
I can have a lot more fun with the city stuff.
I still have to finish up the one I started, but that's ok.
I feel like such a slacker.
I haven't turned in an article for any of the last 7 issues.
Eek.

I am just glad the clouds have parted a little bit...
I was feeling very overwhelmed.

I am finally letting myself cry again...a little at a time.
It feels like months have passed since August 12, 10:30pm.
Not so.
Only 19 days.
That BareNakedLadies song reminds me of it...the way they count how long it's been since different things happened.
It's been 17 days since his room looked like his room.
It's been 13 days since they put him in the ground.
It's been 19 days since he sat on my couch and we discussed his friend's penis. hee...fairly large, so they say.
The crazy part is it really feels like he's still here.
It's been 4 hours since I told the kids to get the hell out of the bed of his truck.
It's been 10 hours since the sheriff's office called to tell us they won't be able to helps us find his other truck.
Big penis-friend has been driving it for a year or so and he hasn't been reachable since...19 days ago.
I saw him that day.
No, I didn't see his penis. :)
He wanted in on some hot lesbian action that G. was planning and that's how it came up.
Came up...oy!

sorry for the downer.
You know me: if it's in my head, it hits this page.
So...sorry.
I know you don't technically mind, but I am still going to apologize for not being a more entertaining blogger lately.
Maybe I should quit stressing about it and just do whatever I want, eh??

Maybe what I want is to go to bed and think dirty thoughts before drifting off to sleep.
....maybe.

I need blogging like a junkie needs a vein--

2006-08-30T15:59:00.000-04:00

Or like Ed needs Sophia.

Well.

So today was my first day of complete freedom.
And it feels daaaaaaaaaaamn good.
I lolled about in bed, reading Robert Browning and watching "Dogma".
I made french toast and eggs for my husband.
I watched a lot of music videos...I forgot how much I love them!

Today my History textbook arrived; the one for the course I will not be able to finish on time unless I turn on one assignment each week starting now.
Stupid, STUPID Lisa.
The last minute is the best minute, right?

I have been feeling scattered and unmotivated for the past week or so,
and that is beginning to change.
Had a good talk with hubby last night.
A talk about my newspaper commitments...
I think I've gotten past my anxiety there, or at least the bulk of it, but...
I am still a little fearful.
I think I'll take to interviewing like a duck to water, but for now it is the great unknown
so
therefore
it scares me.
He gave me lots of great advice.
Now if only I could remember it all...

I also need to force some structure on myself, or my "free" days will turn into wasted days.

Aren't you glad you stopped by???
I'm just a laugh a line over here!
A thrill a minute.

Eh.
I'm getting my groove back, a note at a time.
Two steps forward, one step back.
Somethin' like that.
Or maybe it was never really here...
a figment of my imagination.
I feel like I am fighting my way out from under a heavy blanket...
depression creeps in.
But I will tell it to fuck off.
And it will.
I hope.

I love how soft and springy my curls are when they're almost dry from my shower.
I love how smooth my skin is after a luxurious coating of lotion.
I am freezing in my house.
I am overdosing on strawberry-rhubarb pie and vanilla ice cream...
I have had a headache for days and days and days.
Yesterday I thought it was leaking out of my head and invading other parts of my body.

Friends are moving on Saturday; will be closer to us--yaaay!
hoping to talk hubby into a one nighter in Moab with the kiddos...
Would be good.
For all of us.

2006-08-29T21:13:00.000-04:00

What the fuck???

2006-08-29T15:07:00.000-04:00

I actually made an audiopost with some goddamned MEANING and it didn't post.
Figures.

I got caught in the traffic o' Presidential visit this morning.
Why am I so stupid??
I do not know.
I sat at one, unchanging red light for 9 minutes.
I was on the verge of panic.
It felt very claustrophic, not to mention the late-for-class factor.
Fluck.
(yes, that's a new word. It heralds the correlation between "fuck" and "luck". It should really have a positive connotation, though, don't you think?)

Classes were good.
Parking was eeee-ville.
Hubby is cute, and trying really hard to make sure I do not feel ignored...

I am so hungry I could gnaw my arm off.
So why the hell am I HERE???
Well.
I had to pee before shopping and gyming.
Yes, that's a word.
Fuck off.
Today I think I'll be here when my kids get home.
'magine that.

Happy Tuesday.
Oh!
I may have pictures soon.
Cables, cables.
(thanks, for the tip, you.)

It's a great day to be around

2006-08-28T14:52:00.001-04:00

Happy 8 year anniversary to Mr. Bored Housewife!

(a reprint of last year's post)

yes, it's a digital picture of a snapshot...
I don't have a scanner, ok???
and these are the shoes I wore that day, to come so close to his 6' 3"...

It was a beautiful day, a happy day.
we were supposed to get married on a Schooner in Camden harbor...
but I decided to worry about a hurricaine the almanac had predicted for that week.
stupid girl.
so we got married in a beautiful garden behind the marriott where we had the reception.
it was lovely, but not the same.
AND.
the stupid florist got my bouquet all wrong.
I said no roses.
I said no long traily thing--just a BUNCH, a simple, bouquet.
oh well.
at least I found the perfect shoes, right?
...oh, and the perfect groom.

**********

Today I stopped holding my breath over the question of whether or not the school bus would be running this year.
IT CAME!!!
See, here in suburban-hell, there are like 18 elementary schools in a one mile radius of here.
So there are not very many school bus runs.
Somehow, we scored one, and the stop is right next to our house.
This is such a beautiful thing.
I can't even express the depth of my joy...
The boys seem to grasp the urgency of not missing the bus,
whereas they have no respect at all for my pleas of, "Hurry! We're late!" if I'm driving them.
Not to mention I don't have to fight the crowds of other parents picking up kids--
AND it buys me an extra 15 minutes or so (I don't know what time it drops them off yet).
Praise Jesus and his eight tiny reindeer!

Now I have 2 hours left and I can't decide if I should go grab some groceries, hit the gym, or simply loll about and feel lazy!!!
What a beautiful, geometrically perfect day.
...oh, and I think I'm going to stick with my Astronomy class, so grab your earplugs.
It's going to be a whiney few months!

Happy day to all of you.

Krispy Kremes are neither crispy, nor creamy--discuss

2006-08-27T23:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, so some of them have cream fillings, but the donuts themselves are not technically what I would consider "creamy".
And if you ever see a crispy donut?? Please don't eat it!

Today was crisp, though.
Dammit, I hate unintentional segues.
Not as much as I hate unintentional Segways...
Ahem.

Tomorrow marks the day that my husband and I have been married for 8 years.
Pretty damn cool.
The kids start school, so we'll have the day to ourselves.
He has a few conference calls in the morning and an evening flight, so we're going to do lunch.
Hawaii was technically our anniversary trip, but I hate for the day to pass without being acknowledge.
I sort of just realized yesterday that I still have to get him a present!
Criminy. What the fucking hell do you get for the man who earns all the money you could spend???
It's an odd sensation.
Besides which, I don't have any
frigging
clue what he needs or wants.
Aside from some fucking golf club, but I'll be damned if I've been paying attention.
I think he's planning to get a whole new set soon.
But I don't frigging remember.

I got stung by a hornet or a wasp or something today.
Just sitting at the gas station, with my window down.
J. was filling up, on our way up the mountain for a hike with the kids and dog.
We make the coolest lesbian family; oh, if only we liked each other "that way"!
(sorry...just a private joke: we've been on trips together, dating back to the early 90s and have been asked "one bed or two?" on more occasions than we care to admit. We also used to get propositioned for 3-somes, back when we were Mormon-virgin girls. bah. What a frickin waste!!)
Ahem.
Ok.
Anyway, I didn't even see the sting-y thing until I felt it.
The sting didn't hurt but it wasn't too pleasant for the next few minutes.
Thank god I had a bottle of ice water to put on it.
I haven't been stung since I was a kid, and have actually fancied myself a bit of a bee charmer.
If there is a bee in the house, I let it crawl onto my hand and I carry it outside.
I do this quite often, and have never been stung.
Bah.
Stupid bees.

I am beyond stressed.
School starting, hard class, homework, heightened responsiblity at the newspaper, lingering family "stuff" from the hideous, dream-like occurence of 15 days ago, and general worries.

Too much change.
Hubby thinks we're moving to Kansas City, now.
Why do I tell you this?
Because I'm hoping to jinx the plan.
I figure, it worked for Texas, why not?
Eh.
We'll see.

I hope I don't forget anything important for my boys' first day of school.
They are going to have so much fun.
I am going to weep with joy.
And then go shopping for some unknown spectacular anniversary gift for the best husband on the planet.
And.
Do homework.

Anyone have some headache pills???

(I feel like a whiner, just for the record. But the cool thing is that I have been returning to myself lately...a self that none of you has ever known. a self that is...self-less, coincidentally. I love people, and I love helping them. Life is good.)

Last night

2006-08-26T13:25:00.000-04:00

I composed in my head a lovely blog post, and the start of a story.
Fuck if I can remember 'em though.
I just need to give in, and go live alone and be that crazy artist chick that everyone's a little afraid of.
It would be so much easier.
Then I could sit bolt upright and dash for my laptop in the middle of the night without my husband acting all suspicious and/or interupting my train of thought with his (perfectly reasonable) stupid questions!!
So, instead, I lie awake and spin tales which are lost forever.
Oh well.
As we've learned, through trial and error (but mostly error), my thoughts have a short shelf-life.
If I try to write somethnig down which sounded brilliant in my head only moments before,
I usually end up with Grade A turkey poo.
Or Grade F mouse poo...
Anyway, you get the point.

Today I am off to lunch and a movie with some good girl friends.
There is too much drama in their lives;
I feel sad for this and hope it abates soon.

I am wearing new shoes,
and may have actually uttered the phrase, "I think these shoes make me look fat."
I belong in the Whiney Women Hall of Fame, don't I?
Oh well.
They do!
But I'm wearing them anyway.
If you can't be fat and be ok with LOOKING fat, then--
er.
...diet?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Piss.
I hate that part.
nah, I look pretty good.
But I have very small feet and I'm used to wearing very big shoes.
It's all about symmetry and balance--
small feet make big parts look bigger, right?
Well.
Whatev.

I'm going to have a fun day.
I hope you do, too.

Cro-Magnon Blogging

2006-08-24T17:02:00.000-04:00

In which I transpose penned words from lulls in my non-computerized day.

8-24
Class is not starting yet.
Too many girls.
Everyone
so
young.
That guy looks familiar.
That girl is part of the play for which I need to garner interviews for my preview piece.
--wow, that last sentence was---
awkward, at best.
Coherant, in its wildest, steamiest, most technicolorful dreams!

(and then a man introduced himself as "Not Professor Whatever-the-fuck"...can't remember his name. Anyway, he said our professor was doing a triathalon today and would be with us next time. He then instructed us to go to the department website and take a test to see if we can handle the class...GULP. I don't like the sound of that. Astrology--I wish! Physics is so totally not my bag, baby.)

And now I'm on to English.
A couple of familiar faces...
One straight out of a fantasy
And another straight out of--
my last English class.
Ha.
I am shiny.
Want to blot my face.
Ok, not so pretty as "shiny" implies--
red-faced and sweat
eeeee.
Must
find
something to wipe my face.
Hands won't do.
Shirt?
Too tank-y.
Strike the adjective-maker.
And the "too".
It IS a tank.
Ah, now I'm cooling off.
So many people who know each other...
This classroom has been double-booked.
Sorting.
My first class only lasted 63 seconds.
Ok, possibly it was more like 64.
BUT.
That's my absolute highest limit.
And now we're taking roll.
Role?
Hm.
I'm mostly amazed at how many people go by completely unrelated names to the ones on the roll (role).
But hey.
Perogatives, etc.

Ok, that's the end of my notebook ramblings.
I started writing the review for a restaurant I haven't visited yet...
but I read about it, and I'm sure this will reflect my reaction!!
Shut it.
I also scored an interview with the theatre student I overheard, in my first class.
See, as you may recall, the class was rather rudely...
truncated.
curtailed.
abbreviated.
Shortened.
So as we were all packing our things, I asked her about the play and told her who I was.
She confirmed that she is in the play and was somewhere between willing and enthusiastic to give me an interview.
I explained that I wasn't really prepared for it, so I would rather schedule a future date, but then we just went for it anyway.
I got her number, in case I have follow-up questions, and I got the number of the lead actress so I can get an interview with her.
Oh, my editor will be so proud!!
I saw him right after that, but he was talking to someone so I didn't want to bother him.
Oh, the theatre student wanted to know if we needed more writers, too.
I would kind of like her help with this whole preview business, I mean, what the fuck do I know about theatre???
Nothing, that's what.
She wrote for her high school paper, and loved it, so it's not really a stretch.

Ok.

Happy first day of class to me.

I'll let you know how that test goes...
eek.
AND.
I just discovered that my Independent Study History class that I "started" last January and is due in precisely 6 weeks (with 5 assignments, each due no closer than 7 day intervals...) is missnig half of the textbook.
They sent it to me and I never looked that closely, butthey only sent volume 2 and the assignments start with volume 1.
Fuck me.
Time to get that extension.
And remind me to NEVER do Independent Study again. :)

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!!!

I am speechless.
(no, that's not the announcement, although it's pretty big news, I know.)
There are no words to describe the way this makes me feel.
I just.
Poor Pluto!!!

2006-08-23T14:44:00.000-04:00

Hawaii pictures, alright! This one is from my first trip--TEN YEARS AGO!! It was taken to showcase my hellish sunburn, but frankly, I like how it showcases my lovely legs and my overall thinness. Yippee!