Thursday, March 20, 2008

Rain outside, rain inside

Yes, it's one of those days.
It started last night, as I listened to him speak.
At first it was just a hand gathering the fabric of my lungs and heart in a quick squeeze,
but as the conversation ended
the fabric around my ears and eyes were tugged into that fist as well,
and the grip tightened.
I sobbed, I even wailed.
I felt like I was falling down a long, dry well.
My imagination was giving me a preview of how it would feel to lose him,
that's all,
but it felt so real, so...
I kept saying, out loud, "I can't do this, I can't do this."
And what I meant was I can't love someone so much that losing them would leave me debilitated, broken, so raw that infection would set in in the blink of an eye, leaving me with a gangrened heart.
And then...
A song was sung, on the tv I had ignored during this spasm of hopelessness, and a smile breached the Fortress of Wallowing.
And I was reminded that I am loved so deeply that I don't have to fear that he will reject the love that pours out of me...
And that Fear of Loss is a natural balance to this strong of a love, but that I have "nothing to fear"...he is as much mine as the moon is the earth's, and I am his.

In the next moment there was an advertisement proclaiming that "I am Legend" is available on DVD and I finished cheering up enough to go to sleep.
But this morning,
as the clouds hang low over the mountains,
and the rain splashes up from the street,
I find myself frowning again, and hollow.

I told myself it was fear of heartbreak that crushed me last night, but...
maybe it's just the vacuum he left when he went home.
We had a week of paradise and now my heart struggles to beat.
I want to be cool
But I guess that's not in the cards for me at the moment.
I miss his hand on mine, gently brushing my skin.
I miss his presence, assuring and accepting in every way.
I miss his heart beating just inches from mine and the way just one kiss could send me over the moon.
I will see him again in one month.
And our love for each other is deep and solid and true.
But I guess it is not pure enough to evade the monster that is Pain of Separation--
somehow I had imagined that the joy of our time together would carry me a lot further.
It took a day for me to truly feel his absence, because I was so thoroughy satisfied in every cell.
But last night it hit like a whole mob of tornados.
Today I stumble around in the wreckage, looking for a silver lining.
And finding one, of course:
I may not get to hold his hand or spoon him today, but I do get to do so for the rest of my life.
Just have to have a little patience...

Sorry for that.
Just needed to get it out.
I feel so much better now!!

The flashback portion of this post is:
We had the most amazing, beautiful, serene, exhilarating time together.
We fit like a hand in a smooth leather glove, like peanut butter and chocolate--
like thunder and lightening.
We are a natural fit in every way and we both feel so blessed, so joyous to have found each other.
We went to the opera and it was beautiful--we were beautiful!
We went to Moab where he shared his incredible cameras with me
and taught me to take some extra cool shots,
and where we stayed at the most dreamy b&b
with the BEST breakfast
whose name was Aztec for "house of dreams".
In the Fiery Furnace (restricted hiking area) we met a dear friend of his and the love of her life, with whom we spent a most gorgeous day--
conversation flowed between us all, and the deep, passionate love we all shared for the red rocks and our respective partners made us light up the world.
When you're in love like this it's like being a member of a secret club...
that you wish everyone else could join!
And then we came home and went skiing--where I skied the best I've ever skied.
We played with my kids, who adore him, and he played handyman--fixing a faucet, a toilet, a shower head; a garage door opener, a light fixture, and resolving a dryer vent/bird's nest situation.
He met some of my best friends and one of my brothers, and everyone feels our joy, feels our connection--and they are all as ecstatic as I am (well, almost!) that I have found my soul mate, the love of my life, the man of my dreams....

I guess it's natural that I panic once in a while over the thought of losing him.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make a habit out of it!!!!!
No dwelling on that shit.
Fuck no.

Ok...enjoy your day!!!
Happy full moon, happy spring, happy Spring Equinox, cuz I doubt I'll be posting again tomorrow and those are all awesome things!

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